%title jrnl 201027
:jrnl:review:gratitude:
%date 2020-10-27 23:29

Something that Jack mentioned at climbing the other day has been stuck in my head, he said "Tash tells me the girls are keen for a big sesh". And when I write it like that it's totally innocuous, but there seemed to be a context there. I imagine it's referring to how I "explode" at parties, or enter "tiger mode" (as a recent reading of my past jrnls reminds me haha) and try and be a social butterfly and dance around and make people feel welcome and be a part of many conversations. I think part of the reason it's still on my mind is because of Casey and the way she hugs me so tight and idk I just get the vibe that she enjoys my company. And Jack telling me this feels in some way related. That part of the reason I feel so loved is because I make the girls feel comfortable. idk it's just been on my mind. I like that I can help make people feel comfortable. At the same time though, I can sense some discomfort from their boyfriends. Most noticably with James and Russell. Though James' seems more directed at me and Russy's more at Alexa I do feel there is some better bridge building that needs to happen between me and them to ensure they don't think that I'm gonna steal their girlfriends, because I would never do that. I think so long as it's on my mind I'll figure out small ways to make them both feel more comfortable. 
In some ways, Jack really feels like my "keeper" in this group. We're the unstoppable duo, and I think I see him the most out of anyone else. I really like Jack. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is how white washed I feel now that all my friends are white. It's a palpable difference in my mind state. I really miss having non-white friends, but I don't know how to go about making them. I noticed this in particular when my hindi felt noticably harder when speaking to Nirvan and Vanee today about New Years plans. I think I would like to spend it with them, perhaps. At this stage neither is certain either way, so we'll see how that develops. There's the guy at the EzyMart who's always there and I'm certain he's Indian but I never seem to be able to muster up the courage to ask him and talk with him. Either way, I think as the year draws closer to an end, I would like to move out of Brisbane. It's been an excellent jumping board and a lovely place for me, it has grown a little stale, and I think that is to do with my lack of other friends. If I can find other friend groups here, I think that would change my outlook, but I don't want things to become stale. 

There was something else I was thinking about, that I wished to write down, but now I have forgotton. Oh, that's right, it had to do with Slack and growing our group. I suppose that can wait, I need to think more about that.

What went well today:

- Seeing Woodley and Connor
- Sticking to my morning routine even though it was exceptionally difficult

What did not go well today:

- Work had a lot of fires
- I didn't get enough sleep and felt groggy most the day
- My naps did not rest me well enough
- I did not exercise or meditate
- fapping as soon as I woke up
- Eating lots of snacks to the point of pain

What can I do tomorrow to improve:

- sleep earlier, stop vaping sooner, get melatonin

Today I am grateful for:

- finishing readImap :)
- Having mostly clear feeds on my rss reader 
- The lush rain reminding me of summer holidays in B'lore
