#[[Archive]]

im an asshole and just havent realozed it yet
* elders always seem to not like me
* know it all
* embrace it?
act like i enjoy my company most of all, and dont care to engage with people i dont care about?


no more feel worried about depression and suicide (planning a letter or accident)
annoyed at housemate(s), uni/work balance
assertiveness
bored of uni
(regular people stuff)
sexuality
dating

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reality vs hallucinations
suicide

unsatisfied:
* emotionally
* intellectually
* physically

▘▙▘▙▒▕▜

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* the lump on my left/being evil
* fear of abandonment so dont dont commit and remain lonely
* anushka
* invasive thoughts/snapping
* sexuality, demi/bi
* smoking up
* lonliness/friends/introvert

* increasing thoughts of suicide, lump in my throat
* abandoning those who i care about most
* being fundamentally broken

* Drugs
* Hapiness = Reality - Expectations
* Expectations of myself, being hard on myself
* I'm not who i think i am
* "The Future"
* Resiliencey
* Agreeable-ness
* Hope
* Being Evil, abandoning my friends, Breakdown at the start of the year
* not having a support network
* Bad memory 
* job
* Sleep
* Exercise 
* being intense/taking myself too seriously
* depression as a growing,looming darkness
* tried to beat it with mentality,tools and force of will, but failed.
* lacking meaning/purpose, giving up
* Love of playing devils advocate
* night time focus
* disassociation, hallucination


* Don't understand who i am and what I'm capable of, or what i want - doing/being too many things
    * The multiplicity in my life that i sometimes see as "inauthentic" or "two faced" and how to console these contradictory perspectives 

Able to keep myself just barely out of depression through sleep, exercise and decent eating habits, but juggling too many things. not fixing the underlying problem. any one of them slightly going out of order and i fall to pieces 
