%title Still struggling with getting my notes online
:blog:meta:bangalore:
%date 2022-01-28 02:44

Part of this frustration comes from the fact that my notes are in various different "formats", despite all being plaintext and accessible to me through search and just digging through the files, parsing them into a consistent state is proving slightly challenging. Another issue I'm having is that they're all notes for me. I see notes from so long ago that are basically just little reminders to myself on the things I wanted to do, or write about, or progress I made towards them. Unifying them is a big part of this project, and that involves cleaning a lot of them up, but I'm struggling to find the motivation to do so, certainly in part due to the vastness of the project that I'm undertaking. 

I keep coming up on failures too. Between being stuck on this, stuck getting a working DNS server to grant DNS names to services behind my wireguard VPN, and being unable to debug why I can't get video / VoIP calls to work across countries for my Matrix server, *and* also failing to put in a good amount of effort at work I feel pretty stuck. It doesn't help that I've been trapped in my room, just browsing the internet in order to distract myself from being stuck in my room for the past week.

I don't believe that the solution is to just "try harder". I find this often happens to me when I'm in Bangalore. Losing the motivation for things that I actually wish to accomplish. Loisng any resemblence to a rythym to daily life. It's frustrating because I don't want it to be this way. Even more frustrating  is when I try to explain this to people they inevitably respond with "yeah, but you're on holiday, relax, enjoy it, it's fine". It doesn't feel that way. I mean I am still going to work. I am intimately familiar with this place, and this house. All the people I meet are also familiar, for the most part. Sure I do meet a lot of old friends and it's great to reminesce but it doesn't feel like a holiday? I don't know, perhaps I'm just looking for things to complain about while I'm here. It was most of what I did when I was a teenager, and old habits die hard.
