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%date 2022-01-16 05:09

my heart still palpatates when pearl texts me. i'm clearly still attracted her. i keep thinking about going to vancouver / seattle to see her. it's even worse than that. i think of moving there to be with her. seeing her again, was, really nice. and i cant help but feel like we'd be good for each other. i really enjoy her company. even just talking to her. on some level i don't want our story to be we are really good friends from a way back, who also happened to date way back then. i clearly still really like her. and i'm fairly certain she does too. our chemistry is *still* electric. we really just fit. even though we're quite different people, we have similar goals from life, come from similar places. seeing her again reminded me of all that. i guess our lives will always be intertwined. for that i am really grateful. maybe it's okay to wait, or maybe it really wasn't meant to be. 
it's fucking awful. i feel terrible because it's exactly what dheeraja is afraid of. i still have so much to learn, and to grow. it's even more awful because even the first time i met dheeraja i instantly noticed how similar to parul she looks. how sometimes in my mind they get confused. that's such a fuckcing terrible thing. but i really do like dheeraja for who she is. on one hand im really excited about this relationship, and what our future can hold, and yet on the other, i'd be disappointed if that was it for parul and i. i dont know, i think these feelings will pass, ass more time between the moments we met goes. and i'll be once more glad she's still my friend. i think that is what grounds our relationship, and even me. even if that is the end of our story, that were lifelong friends (who were sometimes maybe still attracted to each other) that's okay. :)
i'm still trying to convince myself that intentionally not giving her a hug the second time i saw her was a good idea. i only do this because i clearly regret it. 
