I've been avoiding my feelings and my jrnl for quite a while now. And this is a particularly bad time to write since I'm feeling especially low after the failure that was Settings-redesign deployment of weekend gone. That weekend also happened to be my birthday past, and we both know how I can be on my birthdays. Perhaps that makes this an important time for me to be writing a jrnl, it's hard for me to say. I can't believe I'm still thinking about Parul 3 months into my new relationship. Maybe I'll forever be stuck being a lil boy who wants want he can't have. I keep wondering if I'd feel differently if I was in a relationship with her instead, and I don't have a definitive answer. It's pretty shameful. Having neither the courage to go through with it nor the honesty to face it. I keep trying to convince myself that it'll get better, that over time I'll stop thinking about her, but it keeps not happening. And then there's Dee, who keeps falling more in love with me and somehow that is pushing me away. She's so kind and sweet and lovely, but all her affection is getting to be too much. I want more and more time alone, and the more I push her away, the more she wants to be closer. It's a pattern I've noticed of myself and those I'm in relationships with. It's not a healthy pattern. Knowing now that I have ADHD I can see how it makes things difficult, and this "routine" is certainly a part of it... I'm struggling. It's fair to admit that, but I'm not giving up on Dee and our relationship. I really do want it to work, even if it means I'll never be with Parul. Even as I write these words I can sense the lingering doubt in the back of my mind and that is a terrible thing to feel. :(
Asides from the whole relationship drama inner turmoil, I also am feeling sad about work. There was a lot of pressure to deliver and I haven't been able to. I feel like a terrible engineer. That all my training was for naught, because I can't seem to bring myself to do the things I know I need to do in order to be excellent. Excellence is still something I'm striving for. I do want to learn. I have to remind myself of that. I actually want to be good at software development and engineering and creating things. I will not go softly into that good night.
How am I going to do all of the things I want?