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<h1> Can't Sleep </h1>
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<date> 2022-03-20 00:59</date>
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<p>Can't sleep once more so I'm here on my computer writing things down like a peasant in hopes it'll put me to sleep. i was trying to fall alseep before, but i kept using my phone, an if i'm gonna be up anywayway i wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. i so wish i still had my xtec i wouldn't have to get up, just type away, gosh i've been missing hat tthing lately. Anyways...</p>
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<p>I'm getting sick of how much i'm unable to move past this Parul / Dee thing, just last night, after spending all night with Dee, doing MDMA with her, and having a fun time, I dreamt of Parul still. I was looking at Parul, we were sitting really close and smiling at each other and were generally happy and then I look around and see Dee, heartbroken and distraught. I woke up moments after that, and was not happy to find myself in Dee's bed having dreams of my ex. I jkeep wondering if she thinks about me as much as I think about her, whether she even feels what I felt and continue to be unable to express. That's certainly part of why it's weighing me down, not being able to talk with Dee about it, I know it would break her. And I keep trying to protect her from it, but it just makes the issue bigger for me. It doesn't help that they look similar, and sometimes even whin I'm looking right at Dee, my brain parses her face as Parkl. Ughhhhh.</p>
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<p>Another reason I'm annoyed is because I really <em>need</em> because I'm going climbing fairly early tomorrow, and then I'm going to a Satsung with Dee. So I want to be well rested but my stupid brain just won't hit the off switch even after taking a mellie and trying to lislten to a podcast. I was laughting earlier about how I've been popping pills (mellies) to ignore my problems. It's certainly true, this time of night is when I'm most often compraing Dee and Parul, nad simply because I'm still contemplating it, it's clear my lack of progress points to substance abuse (hah :P )</p>
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<p>It sucks especially, because I actually still do really like Dee. I like hanging out with her and generally spending time with her, though not as much as she does with me. Even still, she tries really hard, and I can't blame her for that. Even if i feel we're starting to run out of things to talk about, i still enjoy her company. I noticed that even when she was draped around me, even if i was a little annoyed I was still kinda liking it. idk. It seems all the girls that fall for me want all of my our time to be spent to gether even though I could not do that. Am I making fake promises to my partners? Am I not honest about my own expectations? Why do I always feel like I'm running out of time? I think much of my dissatisfaction with my relationship with Dee, my fantasizing about Parul, are both merely symptoms with a deeper cause, noe that I have not managed to elicidate just yet, but one that surely comes from within me, and not from some difference between Parul and Dee. I don't believe that I wouldn't feel this way if I was with Parul buty some mysterious magic. Even if the fantasy is tantalizing, or conceptions of "idenpendence" desirable, I know that the root of my unhappiness is my own creation.</p>
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