2643 lines
398 KiB
JSON
2643 lines
398 KiB
JSON
[
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{
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"text": "Okay now with time! ",
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||
"title": "10-February-2018 at 20h11'11''",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180210091136675",
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||
"created": "20180210091111591"
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||
},
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||
{
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"text": "now with proper time! ",
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||
"title": "10-February-2018 at 23:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180210125112357",
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||
"created": "20180210125036541"
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},
|
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{
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"text": "hmmm today has been both up and down. i didnt go to my computer graphics lab which i really should've gone to because i know basically nothing about the course and it's already week 3 but oh well, and then because of that i got a bit depresso but then i felt a little better and jonathan came around and we played some music and then i went to dagar's place to see nikhil and dullah and daisy. we smoked a bit and watched some netflix and argued about why fascism is bad (even though nikhil for some reason defends fascists and their violent opinions???) but on the way back i met this awesome chill uber driver (i forgot his name but it was like nidum?) and he was so happy and joyful and from bhutan and even though our drive was short i really enjoyed talking to him, he seemed like a lovely person. over the course of the day i also played around a bit with tidalcycles and tried to get parrot working but couldnt so setup gnome on a base nixOS install which i'm excited about switching to. shouldn't be too hard, and hopefully i'll be able to set up a permanent rice. looking forward to using gnome and paperWM though I'm curious to see how it does in 2 screen mode. might just have to switch back to BSPWM or i3 or some shit if it doesn't work out to my liking on desktop but i'm not worried about that :) ",
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||
"title": "10th August 2019 at 01:43",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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"modified": "20190809154956725",
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||
"created": "20190809154346509"
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},
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{
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"text": "what went well today:\n\n* morning yoga \n* morning habits (Meditation and duolingo) \n* hard workout\n* brewing kombucha \n* coexisting with riya\n* laundry and clothe folding\n* sleeping in\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* being hungover\n* finance/investments\n* budgeting\n* creative things\n* didnt catch up on work\n* setting an intention for the day \n* being sorta overwhelmed by box\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* do the work you need to get done\n* dont drink as much, and drink more water\n* set a daily intention and weekly review? \n* invest! \n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* my new phone\n* ricing it to near perfection\n* the good vibes madre becoming so big\n",
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"title": "10th August 2020 at 00:11",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20200809141941183",
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||
"created": "20200809141146356"
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||
},
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{
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"text": "it's now pretty late and im tired\n\nive been reading microsolidarity (http://emotionalanarchism.com/courage-before-hope-a-proposal-to-weave-emotional-and-economic-microsolidarity/) by Rich and am fascintated by the idea of having my own farie ring, but im not sure who to add to it. I think it would make sense to have it be temporily close people and the only person that i can think of that would be interested is jack maybe? idk.\n\ni'd love to do something like that and artifex in a way kinda fills that piece but not directly and it would be nice to have something explicit.",
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||
"title": "10th December 2018 at 04:59",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108073552561",
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||
"created": "20190108073529586"
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||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "alright here we go. gonna see if this is a good idea. heres to a new start",
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||
"title": "10th February 2018",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180210090750708",
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||
"created": "20180210090619195"
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||
},
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||
{
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"text": "today im grateful for ❤️\n\n* the rain\n* coffee, both hot and cold\n* meeting a new smasher \n* talking to new friends (😉) \n",
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"title": "10th February 2020 at 23:56",
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||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200210130026444",
|
||
"created": "20200210125658474"
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||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "i just finished adventure time and im listening to one of the songs near the end of the show (\"I wanna slow dance with you\") and im feeling all kinds of ways that i dont know how to describe. just before writing this i was crying like a little baby oh my god that shows got me. its by far my favorite show ever now that ive finished it omg. i feel like it healed part of my soul thats been broken. idk how long itll stay fixed for but im so grateful that i finished it. i loved it. i absolutely loved it. lowkey i wish i got to watch it with tanu, but maybe its for the best that i didnt get to. i think part of me needed to watch it alone, but the whole time i wish i had some to hold, or to comfort me or at the very least hold hands with. it was too emotional and i was wrapped around myself. i actually cant put into words the way i feel right now. my entire adventure with adventure time, from its beginning to now has been such a wild ride. i feel nostalgic a lot, but also filled with hope once again, that beautiful curse. reassured in myself and my past and looking forward. moved to my very core. i thought id lost that.\n\neverything happen happening happened. ",
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||
"title": "10th January 2019 at 02:09",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190109151635379",
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||
"created": "20190109150935575"
|
||
},
|
||
{
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"text": "over the course of my existence there have been a few songs that i have held on to for dear life, by all means they saved me and kept going when nothing else could. today i found another one, listed in the entry.\n\n🎵i wanna slow dance with you 🎶\n\ni think this is perhaps the second marcy song that i have woven into my being. it's magical. ",
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||
"title": "10th January 2019 at 03:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190109162252302",
|
||
"created": "20190109162123416"
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||
},
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||
{
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"text": "I had a lovely dream last night. There was this blue crystal cube-ish structure in the middle of the ocean with paths around the side leading to the top, in fact the whole dream had a blue-ish tint like when it's foggy or cold out at night -- It was pitch black asides from the blue light. At the very top laying down on her back was Tanushree. She looked jaw droppingly beautiful. She was wearing the same dress that she was when Yayu went to visit her, it's this blue dress which she looked amazing in, but also had sparkles surrounding her, and this mesh blue blanket. I believe she also had wings but that might not have been the case. In any case she looked truly stunning. She either seemed to be singing or was telling me something but I couldn't hear her. I also vaguely remember it either being a music video (there was other staff there and microphones and a camera) or a vision within my dream, like I was dreaming in my dream or was being told something important. I couldn't hear what she was saying or singing, so I went out to find her and the structure.\n\nAfter some wandering I found the structure but after looking for Tanu I couldn't find her. Instead there was this man trying to tell me about how the structure was built and about some code or something and how to recreate it but I wasn't paying that much attention because I was looking for Tanu. When I couldn't find her I was sad, and jumped into the cold blackness of the water and then woke up. I can't seem to get the picture of her lying there, just gorgeous, trying to tell me something I desperately want to hear. I wonder what my dreams are trying to tell me. Actually, I have a vague idea, but I'm not particularly happy about it...",
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||
"title": "10th May 2018 at 16:20",
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||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180510065752555",
|
||
"created": "20180510062030663"
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||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "I've also been thinking about how Pearl and I got romantically engaged again, and I think it all started that night on MD when I told her I thought it'd be fun if she stayed with me for a while. Knowing what I do now it's pretty obvious that she would try and push that angle if I basically told her I liked her and thought about her a lot. She then moved on to telling me how she's sexually charged because of birth control, which is also pretty suss and defs changed our relationship towards being more sexual, if not romantic. Now she seems much less sexually charged and I wonder if she's still on birth control or ever was. It's not a very nice thing to assume, but her telling me that she's loved me for a long time does make these things a bit questionable, and I do feel like I've been manipulated a bit, but that's okay. I still like her a lot and miss her tons and wish she was here despite all those things.\n\nWhat's even weirder is that even in spite of all those things the thought of Parul kissing someone else or having sex with someone else or even being romantically involved with someone else makes me uncomfortable. I don't usually feel this way and didnt feel this way about Yayu, Charly or Tanu when I was interested in them. I can only describe this feeling as jealousy and its not something I like or am used to. I wonder if it's because being with her takes me back to when we were in school together and I did believe I was monogamous rather than leaning poly. I mean a lot of our relationship does seem rooted in that time so it would make sense. Writing this out felt rather cathartic. I hope I'll get over it since we can't actually be together. I imagine I will.\n\nOn a another note, actually about my day today, Tanvir and Aathira came over today and we jammed out a bit and I had a good time. Hanging out with them is lots of fun. I like them as a couple. After that I did some work until I went to the gym with Aaron. I spent more time than I anticipated because first I went to his place, then we went to the city to get dinner at Happy's (Aaron found a piece of plastic in his food there, yuck! also originally we were gonna eat at Red Chili, but it was too expensive so we went to Happy's instead. After we ate we both decided that it wouldve been a better decision to have stayed despite the higher cost but also because it wouldve been closer to the gym. We did get the rice free because of the bit of plastic though) and then it was raining so we were just waiting for the rain to pass because it was really cold. And then after that we finally ended up at my place and did an Aerobics session. It was funny because we did a Bipasha Basu session and he didn't know who she was. Eventually he left but then I dicked around on my phone instead of getting more work done, but that's fine. Some progress is better than no progress and the constant pressure of finishing my assignments is beginning to burn me out. I can't even imagine what it'll be like the 3 or 4 weeks I have to work full time. I can do it though. I will grow and become stronger. That's what moving forward means. ",
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||
"title": "10th May 2018 at 17:05",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180510124512599",
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||
"created": "20180510070534356"
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||
},
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||
{
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"text": "Today I'm grateful for the good days I have. When the weather is comforting and I have enough spoons and am in a good mood and get to see my friends and also get some work done and also east some nice food. They may nit be as frequent as I would like, but I'm grateful they exist and observing them is important. Today was a good day, and in glad for it. ",
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||
"title": "10th May 2018 at 22:38",
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||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180510124013369",
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||
"created": "20180510123853927"
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||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "I've been vegetarian for nearly ten days now and i specifically wanted to call out that i am able to smell meat on people's breath, which is something id never been able to do before",
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||
"title": "10th May 2019 at 01:01",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20190509150253412",
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||
"created": "20190509150154157"
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||
},
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{
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"text": "I wanted to write something but I wasn't sure where to do so and I decided here was a good idea.\n\nthere's been a lot running through my existance of late. for one the other day I got really drunk and got into all kinds of shit, like not going to work, being really mean to saad and texting a bunch of people i haven't in a very long time. but after all the damage control the one that still sticks out a little is the Saad incident. but I think even more importantly than that is my living situation. i'm getting really really over it and want something else quite badly. I don't know how to break the news to Anshul, but I'm going to have to figure it out. I hope I can find something a bit more private, and where I can spend time by myself because being in this environment and not being able to do that is driving me crazy. basic hygiene would also be nice, but at this point i think i'll settle for less. which makes it hard because I don't think there's anything Anshul can do or say that would make this easier for me, let alone easier, possible. but that's one thing to get through.\n\nin part because i've been in this environment, going to uni has stopped altogether and that bothers me a lot. i don't tend to sleep before 4am on most nights which is really bad. i dont know how to fix any of that asides from leaving this place so i think it's what im going to do. ",
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||
"title": "10th May 2019 at 02:19",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20190509165100540",
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||
"created": "20190509161919395"
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||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* survivor\n* warm showers\n* divya messaging me first\n* hand socks\n* a clean house, and cammy helping",
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"title": "10th May 2020 at 02:22",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20200509162437428",
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||
"created": "20200509162251422"
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||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "i've had the place to myself basically since work ended today, but i learnt a lot i would say. especially since i spent basically all of that time with my friends. i learnt that niko is actually a trustorthy pesron (especially because chtl trusts him, i trust him) and even though he's resistant to change at first, theres a good reason for that and that his intuition is good. i want to become better friends with him. i'm reminded of the last time when we really had a DnM, and he told e about how he didn't really accept me at the start and was apprehensive, but that it was a coming from a place of watchfulness and that you cant accept everybody into our group. and at the time i kinda just shrugged it off, but now i respect that a lot more.\n\ni also learned that even though me and debs have chemistry, nothing can happen between us. she mentioned how it was weird introducing her current boyfriend to the group because elliot still such a big part of it and that was all the hint i really needed to understand that nothing could happen between us. i was so close to telling her that it ould be really awkward if she dated anyone from within the group, but im so glad i didn't say that because from her own statement it was just implied that she would not date anyone from within the group. i mean i always figured that, but hearing her say it really solidified it for me to the point that i now can be better friends with her, since previously i had this aura of should I shouldn't i, i do like her but what to do, and now i know that it will never happen and makes it easier to not fret about it and just become good friends with her. i think it's a good thing, because i really like being friends with debs and me liking her was getting in the way of our friendship in very obvious ways, and now and especially tonight, i didn't worry about that at all and was able to connect with her much better in a way that was cleary just friendly. i hope tocontinue with that, and when it comes time ro me to date agin i will fiend someoen out side our friend group. i'm actually really happy about that because normally when i becoe atrracted to a person it's really hard for me to navigate and they cnsume my life, so i'm glad i was able to nip this in the bud, before it spiraled out of control. ",
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||
"title": "10th October 2020 at 01:17",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20201009142604213",
|
||
"created": "20201009141714943"
|
||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "today while meditating i realized a new conception of the way i picture myself (instead of the black tar pit in my side) and it is thus:\n\ni have this small circular centre and many spokes coming out of it. the spokes can either be soft and thick or hard and spiky. i think these are my main two moods, but in both cases protective and shy. people have to make their way through the thick soft spokes to get to the 'center' of who i am and it generally requires a lot on their part. when in the spiky mode im prickly and dont enjoy being around others and others generally dont have any way to get to the center. when in especially prickly mood, the spokes fractal out into more spokes and then i push even those who have made their way in. i want to learn how to pull in people who i want to stick around with, and i dont quite know how to do that yet. ",
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||
"title": "10th September 2019 at 18:39",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20190910084308014",
|
||
"created": "20190910083914814"
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||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "today i am grateful for being able to sleep in and have time to myself \ni am grateful for the conversation i had with sarayu, it was a lot of fun\ni am grateful that i was able to help parul for her homework, and could explain things to her. it was a good experience. ",
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"title": "11-February-2018 at 21:56",
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||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180211113400740",
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||
"created": "20180211105633684"
|
||
},
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||
{
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||
"text": "Anshul finally came to see me today and I let him in. It was irritating, i kinda really wanted to be alone but I guess he didnt get the message. oh well he left fairly soon. i kinda wish i had chocolate rn. \nim really really excited about my earphones getting here. its unbelievable. i wish i orded with express shipping. but patience is a virtue and this is a time to strengthen it. an object in possession rarely has the same appeal as one in pursuit. but by golly thats been on my mind a lot. \ni did most my chores today and not a whole lot else to be honest. spent most the day high out of my mind, watching parks and rec, and sometimes doing some things. im kinda upset its sunday already and i have to get back on the grind. its painful. not enough time to both not do anything, and do all the things i want to do. i guess i just like taking breaks a lot. but i get quite a bit done as well, so i think its okay",
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||
"title": "11-February-2018 at 22:27",
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||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180211113319549",
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||
"created": "20180211112720535"
|
||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "Continuing my lazy spur I still have yet to do any uni work and I'm falling more and more behind. But it'll be fine, i hope. I watched Jeremy get the world record in Fable 1 speed running today which was pretty kreygasm, but asides from that it was a fairly bland day. Me and Parul spoke on the phone this morning which was fun, but it was mostly a nothing day at work. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow. ",
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||
"title": "11th August 2018 at 01:22",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
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||
"modified": "20180810152433655",
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||
"created": "20180810152237170"
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||
},
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{
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"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Hanging out with my friends\n* Being fairly focused at work\n* Climbing in the morning\n* OSMAnd Navigation\n* Self reflection (Co star and seventh sphere) \n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* finances\n* taking a shower\n* Personal projects\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* spend some time on actually building personal projects, or just configuring dev envs for other projects\n\nToday i am grateful for:\n\n* Ferrys as a method of transport\n* Talking with woodley about AI\n* Meeting Roxanne (Mikes gf) ",
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||
"title": "11th August 2020 at 23:02",
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||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
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||
"modified": "20200811131308854",
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||
"created": "20200811130214856"
|
||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "oh man i just met this sickest cunt it was awesome. his name is andrea petriella and he stopped me because we were both vaping and we just talked for maybe an hour and vaped and smoked it was awesome. he told me a bunch about his life and how he's struggled and now he's sober and working his shit out and im already so proud of him because he's such a mad cunt. i hope i see him around sometime because he seems very well connected but also a dope cunt. \n\ni really do enjoy being stopped on the street by strangers and just talking to them. you dont get that a lot in Canberra and maybe it's part of why i like cities because that tends to happen. im reminded of Sam who i met at the bus stop back from Jeremy's. ",
|
||
"title": "11th December 2018 at 08:26",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181210212944172",
|
||
"created": "20181210212612028"
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||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "I'm really liking this tool. I might see if I can migrate all my old ones here. It's a little cumbersome with all the text options, but adding a new entry is way easier than it was before. i imagine i can also use these for dreams pretty easily.\n\ni guess the next thing is to find a way to sync habits. then maybe find a way to view it all easily. i wish ghost was as simple to work with as this. the only trouble is that it isn't stored in a text file. whatever data structure this is using could be a problem late game. i wonder if I'll sti be jrnling then. ",
|
||
"title": "11th February 2018 at 23:12",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180211121646700",
|
||
"created": "20180211121236957"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "okay finally time is perfect ",
|
||
"title": "11th February 2018 at 23:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180211121542308",
|
||
"created": "20180211121529769"
|
||
},
|
||
{
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||
"text": "i've had the worst fucking luck these past two days and it's turned my life into chaos so quickly. so on Friday I lost my battery charger case for my earphones (again!!) wwhich was super frustrating because i swear they were in my pocket right before I opened the door to our building. then on saturday my phone just up and died and is still dead, and that was probably the worst part. I'm still tryna think about what data was on there that is now probably gone forever and the one that sticks out the most is the habits data which oh my fucking god how do I still not have a backup system in place???? so that sucks hardcore. i hope i can at least fix my phone if not with the data. the dumbest part is that during work I did get it to turn on for a little bit before it died again, *and still didn't take a fucking backup*. god im a retard sometimes. the other annoying things that happened included not knowing how to turn on the oven, the course i wanted to get into being full, and sleeping nowhere near enough these past couple of days. i kinda wish i had at least one or two days to just relax after coming back from Perth because my room is a mess and I would like a couple of days to get everything in order but it seems like it'll just be go-go go. i dont even know if a couple days would help because with a roommate like Anshul around some scene is always going on and I enjoy taking part. \n\nI was somehow remembering Vanessa today, and how I've totally come around to most of her way of thinking on lots of things. I wonder if that would make us more compatible? at least right now I think so, but that might just be because im lonely. i want somebody to love and hold and kiss. ugh im such a romantic lmao. i want to say that there's more that made me dislike her than just her (at the time) radical politics, but i cant really come up with much. i wonder if that makes me kinda problematic. i wonder what she's up to now. she was sweet. or at least this revisionist history version of me thinks so.",
|
||
"title": "11th February 2019 at 08:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190327083827338",
|
||
"created": "20190327083800040"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i actually had a great day today. again, i think its residual from yesterday's work out session but today really was good. It was going alright during work, I got my website working and mostly just sat around the rest of the tine feeling p good that i got my website working. Then I came home and met Cammy and Aaron at Bentspoke and we had a great time there too. Really fun conversation and booze is always a good time. Then we came back to my place and played some melee and continued having a good time. What a lovely day. To top it all off I got my ergodox and boy is it soooo cool. I'm really enjoying it already and I only got to mess around with it for a half hour. I'm super keen for fixing it up and configuring it tomorrow. But even from the short time I spent with it, it was super fun. Wow I'm really glad. I havent had such a great day in a while. It's been lovely :) \n\nToday again I was really feeling the energy and didn't want to be depressed anymore and decided I didn't want to be. Let's see how long that lasts. ",
|
||
"title": "11th July 2018 at 00:06",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180710141310104",
|
||
"created": "20180710140615458"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for the random stranger who stopped me to talj about my phone rice. it was so awesome to nerd out like that! :) ",
|
||
"title": "11th March 2018 at 01:26",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180310142726606",
|
||
"created": "20180310142641353"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* doing things even when they're exhausting\n* seeing tanvir\n* not being too hard on myself for not doing everything",
|
||
"title": "11th May 2020 at 22:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200511120456244",
|
||
"created": "20200511120417263"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "yesterady i was sooo fucked, i had such a good time. i still feel like i have a lot of words in me, which is interesting. but it also might just be me being high thing. lol. ",
|
||
"title": "11th October 2020 at 16:12",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201011051336976",
|
||
"created": "20201011051213964"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "while meditating right now i was thinking about my job a lot. how i wished it was harder. thinking about the matrix.ai position i didnt land, and how that wouldve been the difficulty i wouldve enjoyed. i seem to think theres nothing i cant do and desire to do difficult things (nothing new there) but what is new is that my current job is difficult just not in the way i visualize difficulty. there are many tasks i have been given of which i have done fairly few, and even today i hardly did any work. especially thinking about the ML project that i havent taken any initiative with and how that would be a difficult thing to do. and yet i seem to continue to put it off because maybe deep down i know i get frustrated at things i dont make obvious progress with. i dont know what the solution is (and for a long time ive been talking about how i ned to give more attention to work) But im glad to have noticed this. what i need isnt difficulty, its discipline. ",
|
||
"title": "12th August 2020 at 21:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200812112341515",
|
||
"created": "20200812111828444"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for being Rey in the gym. he seems pretty cool. i had a nice talk with him",
|
||
"title": "12th February 2018 at 20:00",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180212090101640",
|
||
"created": "20180212090037083"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "fuck. i wrote a bunch of shit but accidentally deleted it. oh well, quick summary. feeling productive despite getting high/masturbating too much. following habits except meditation and piano. feeling satisfied. using task warrior well. very excited about my earphones. 1 - 2 days baby!\n\ni also wrote 3 letters today which is why it's so late. but I'm in bed now. I'll send them and write some more tomorrow. ",
|
||
"title": "12th February 2018 at 23:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180212122644643",
|
||
"created": "20180212122109511"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i'm on the flight to sydney from brisbane right now. i had a lovely time in brissy hanging with the boys but i cant help but feel like i let people down somehow. it kept coming up repeatedly over the course of the weekend mostly when i was high. the sesh expectations were too high and the results were sometimes lackluster. i think especially when meeting gareth and tsering's high school friends when i kinda have to be social but its really hard when im high. i think i want to smoke less now. i always get paranoid especially in social situations and i think thats not a good thing. plus since it makes me socially retarded its a bad idea anyway. \n\nbut on the other hand im going to america and weed is legal and and i kinda dont have a reason not to?? thatks the biggest thing is theres never really any reason not to. i dont think there is any reason that could really put me off it too which makes that a problem. other than work of course.\n\nalright asides from just being a stoner all the time we did a whole bunch of stuff in brisbane. we had a bbq and went to a pool bar and then got sugo mi and taros and played handball and had parties. i got sooo fucked on saturday, it was just non-stop sesh party mode. that was the day i met all gareth and tsering's friend and it was dope. i love hanging out in brisbane its so much fun. ive also been taking a lot of pictures which is great :)",
|
||
"title": "12th November 2018 at 15:19",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181112044145881",
|
||
"created": "20181112041946633"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh ive been all over the place lately. been sick and sad and angry and just in a weird jive, and now im feeling sick. im not entirely sure whats been going on but its annoying me. its been a bit of a rollercoaster and i dont really remember all of it tbh. ive just been frustrated and stressed and its been getting to me. on wednesday i got tapped on the shoulder at work for not paying enough attention which kinda bothered me but now im whatever about it. ugh. ",
|
||
"title": "12th October 2018 at 16:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181012054522721",
|
||
"created": "20181012054033898"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "For the first time in a long time im feeling drained from hanging out with people too much. once again i hung out with manya for 24+ hours and by the end i was so exhausted, i didnt have any energy, and honestly i still dont but im on the way to work right now anyway. it got me thinking about thr balancing act between being lonely and staying connected. also manya made me remember why people arent vulnerable all the time. most people arent out here tryna better themselves or figure it out or even understand others. they just want to have fun and a good time, and an easy way to do that is pick on the vulnerable guy. all the more reason for me to double down, i think.\n\nwe also watched 3 idiots yesterday and i remembered who silencer is and all that. and at first it made me uncomfortable and i wanted to reject it, but on further thought and through a particular lens it could be me and i took it as a moment of reflection and i think i learned something about the way others see me. it was pretty difficult to swallow. ",
|
||
"title": "12th September 2019 at 06:30",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084255400",
|
||
"created": "20191009084242326"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "TGIF! I'm so grateful it's Friday. I'm also really grateful uni is starting next week so I don't have to go to work 5 days a week. It's really killing my soul. ",
|
||
"title": "13th April 2018 at 16:25",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180413062720260",
|
||
"created": "20180413062558079"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today when I got off the bus on the way to work, I found somebodies lost phone on the ground. I didn't know what to do with it, and tried unlocking it or seeing for ways I could try and contact the owner of the phone. While standing there confused about what to do I see this girl running back to the bus and knew instantly it was her phone. And then I handed it to her and she was very thankful, and so was I for not having to worry about what to do with it (I was considering just leaving it on the ground so she could find it on her own)\n\nI also saw Joel (?) in the gym today and he acknowledged me with a nod and even though it was such a small thing, I really appreciated that he went through the effort. it's odd because we dont know each other well enough to say hi and im not confident enough to just fuck it and go up to him, and i totally expected him to just ignore me, and was perfectly content with ignoring him too, but I'm really glad he chose to do that. ",
|
||
"title": "13th April 2018 at 19:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180413102028492",
|
||
"created": "20180413092800995"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I just got back from Bryte and Freyas wedding and it was so beautiful and im so fucking glad i went. i was this close to not going because I totally forgot about it, but then cammy texted me on Thursday saying are you ready to leave by 3pm?? and at first i was like wtf?? and then i remember and start freaking out. so i book leave for the next day that i totally forgot about the wedding and get it, cammy picks me up from work and then i pack and quickly get ready and leave. omg what a trip. their wedding was amazing and i even teared up, i had such an excellent time. i went with jonathon bec caitlin and cammy. those two being together make me so happy. ",
|
||
"title": "13th April 2019 at 21:01",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190413111337888",
|
||
"created": "20190413110116464"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so tired and hungover today/tonight. Had to do an assignment but its done now but I'm having racing thoughts before bed now so I'm trying to write things down. I spoke to Sarayu for like 3 hours today it was nice. my thoughts are racing about my talk lined up with Tanushree though. Also the things i want to talk to my counsellor about and then also Artifex and uni stuff. my personal projects seem to have taken the back burner kinda but it also feels like i lack focus. i feel like i keep worrying/writing about this but it never feels enough. I'm wondering if i need some kind of notebook for emotions and things. but then that gets me thinking about my current notebook software and wanting to change it, which is back at personal projects. also my hand really hurts, mainly the thumb ,i think its my mouse. writing with it hurts. I've got so many personal projects already that i should work towards. ",
|
||
"title": "13th August 2018 at 00:02",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180812140812813",
|
||
"created": "20180812140222183"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i thought i was gonna try and go to bed early today but its late and here i am. ive been installing miniflux but got it done a while ago and just been dicking around heaps. \n\nive been thinking of volition a lit and how id like some kinda ibterfave for that. where it shows me my daily tasks that are scheduled, provides me a journal entry to recap the day and what went good and stuff, pulls my gym/habits data and puts it all together. i think something like that which ties into a bigger ecosystem of something that looks like monocle would be super dope. \n\nits raining and i love the sounds and quiet. this moment is nice",
|
||
"title": "13th December 2018 at 02:56",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181212161127073",
|
||
"created": "20181212155629853"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm at work rn and there isn't much to do so I'm just waiting for the time to go by. it took sooo long to get my chores done so i lost a lot of break time to that and now I'm like an hour behind on what I'm supposed to be. ",
|
||
"title": "13th February 2018 at 14:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180213032518063",
|
||
"created": "20180213031810374"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for my conversation with Tanu. it seems like she's slightly less cold, which is nice. even though our conversation today wasn't about anything in particular, it was the way we talked that made me feel happy. ",
|
||
"title": "13th February 2018 at 22:17",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180213111825871",
|
||
"created": "20180213111731933"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Doing my kombucha\n* Cleaning my shoes\n* Getting back into some habits\n* Getting up early\n* Working out\n* Talking with Riya\n* Talking with my family\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Still sort of feeling like I need to get away and take breaks from Riya\n* Didnt do laundry\n* Still not finding time to write or blog\n* No creative output\n* Haven't found motivation to keep applying for jobs\n* Task list languishing\n\nWhat can I do to improve tomorrow:\n\n* Send at least 1 job app\n* Read my blog \n* Stay commited to working on my relationship with Riya\n* Fill in time spent with Riya by also making music/writing{?)\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Playing melee with Rob\n* My hair going nearly white\n* My friends and the party we had yesterday\n* Not being hungover\n* Starting work tomorrow\n* Essential oil smells\n* My family\n* Vape coils",
|
||
"title": "13th July 2020 at 00:01",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200712140913722",
|
||
"created": "20200712140115170"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was my first day at work again! \nI got hired by a small company called ThreatDefence.com as a developer to fix odds and ends and develop little security toys to sell to business. Zlatko the owner says there's nothing threatDefecne shouldn't be able to detect or stop and so feel free to build anything that you think will help. I'm really happy with the amount of autonomy I have but also all the help I recieve. The main guy I report to (Nick) seems pretty cool as well so thats kinda awesome. \nIt feels good to have a reason to complete challenging tasks, because even though I knew about some of the technologies we're using, having a reason to see things through to completion is good. Lord knows how much I lose motivation doing my own projects. and yet in some way, a part of me yearns to be free and lazy once again. I don't particularly enjoy the time when I was looking for a job intensely, but the other times when I was just doing nothing but my own stuff had been really fun and I look back on it in fondness. In some sense I do wish I \"got more done\" but I know thats not a good way to think. Perhaps once I build up more skills and get more used to working for long streches on time with things that actually stimulate and bring me joy I will be better equipped to handle \"managing my own time better\" or just using iit more effectively. \n\nIn other news I went to the first Melee tournament hosted in Brisbane for a long time, and the first one I've been to in years. I came 4th! I had a lot of fun! Though I did have a fairly lucky bracket run, I came so close to beating Auro I wish I had. And while it's nice to fantasize about that, I can't focus on it too much otherwise its bad for me. Seeing Gareth, Niko, Sam and Gerd was nice though. It feels like I'm truly a brisbanite now, even though I got lost in the city on my way back. Plus since I get to work remote I probably won't have to move to Sydney any time soon. \n\nIt's been a really great day, and almost like the journey I had been on is now entering it's end. Now that I've dyed my hair, got a job, moved to brisbane, everything really has fallen into place. It's good to look back on where I started and how much I've changed, even if it isn't exactly growth in the strictest sense, I am proud of all the steps I've taken and the person I'm becoming. It's crazy how much landing a job changes my sense of self worth. I guess I just wasn't getting that from my own projects no matter how much I tried. I geuss the capitalist mindset is still deeply rooted inside me? because I wasn't particualrly worried about money for the time I was unemployed, and yet I felt less fulfilled. Something to think about. ",
|
||
"title": "13th July 2020 at 23:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200713134345868",
|
||
"created": "20200713132851032"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Work! \n* Melee tournament\n* Sending an email response to a job application\n* Coming in 3rd on the league for Duolingo today\n* Work out\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Too many snacks\n* Chores languishing\n* Not reading blog (not really upset about this one given job)\n* Second brain building for job (maybe, hard to say, only wrote down notes at the end of the day)\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* meditate before review\n* buy less snacks\n* Do a single chore\n* Write down things from work as I do them \n* Take some of the jobs Jeremy listed and apply to them\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* My morning routine\n* Having a job, that I seem to like\n* Having apparently good coworkers\n* Being remote\n* Playing a tournament of Melee and coming 4th\n* My morning routine\n* Difficult problems that give me satisfaction",
|
||
"title": "13th July 2020 at 23:43",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200714135936966",
|
||
"created": "20200713134352109"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today has been quite a long accomplished day. I got new coils from Shoozi, i went grocery shopping, and then tanvir came over and we hung out. We went to get maccas at like 1.30 in the morning and i loved the deathly quiet of Canberra at the time on a week day I want to go out exploring more at night and take pictures. the atmosphere is quite something.\ni havent been following my dailies much but i will get back to them tomorrow. I've been making huge progress with task warrior though it's so great I do want to start blogging too and i should be writing things down for that. I'll get to that though. I'm feeling really good about things rn",
|
||
"title": "13th June 2018 at 03:17",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180612172138193",
|
||
"created": "20180612171732258"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for the opportunity to take a nap when I'm tired. it didn't go so well forbke today, but even having the option is something I'm grateful for. ",
|
||
"title": "13th March 2018 at 19:31",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180313083414172",
|
||
"created": "20180313083152562"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for the birth lottery I won. Seeing all these people on fedi that are struggling financially and don't really have any way out despite being incredibly talented I'm really grateful for not having to worry about it and having a family that is not only capable of making sure I'm comfortable but also get to enjoy exesses not available to most people. I don't have to worry about so much struggle because I was really lucky with the situation I was born into. Even though I had nothing to do with it, the privilege I was born into is something I really am grateful for. ",
|
||
"title": "13th May 2018 at 16:02",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180513060443024",
|
||
"created": "20180513060218317"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was alright, I suppose. I slept in to a decent hour, did a little bit of work in the morning, went to the gym, then met Tabs and Felix for a photowalk near the national library. After coming home I did some more work and mostly just spent time on my phone. I managed to hit all my habits which always feels nice. Overall quite pleasant. Today was also mother's day and I spoke to mum and Nani which is always great. So yeah, I guess today was pretty nice. ",
|
||
"title": "13th May 2018 at 23:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180513130702340",
|
||
"created": "20180513130420431"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i really should be sleeping but i can't. my mind keeps racing with all kinds of thoughts and having to wake up and go to work tomorrow makes me feel unhappy.\n\ni keep thinking ablut community and things i want to do and breaking away from my individualism through starting and fostering a community with friends and family or random internet strangers. ive been thinking about blogging and networking and how to do it and who to speak to and how to foster friendship. there's so much i dont know. I was thinking about reaching out to f0x and seeing what he has to say. or just going out on my own and trying things \n\ni really need to get out of this house. ",
|
||
"title": "13th May 2019 at 03:09",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190512171319134",
|
||
"created": "20190512170943848"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been feeling fairly gray lately. the inspiration boost i got from #gamedev on slack has fulky dissapated and joining merveilles didnt seem to bring it back. the job search is draining, covid has also been a real pain in the butt and im reaching my wits ends. while i wouldnt say i have slipped back into depression yet, every day is more of a challenge. i have little energy that is generally easily exhausted. i havent really been keeping up with my goals, and even talking to distant friends is getting a little tiring. alcohol keeps me going and sane, but i also recognize is as part of the cause for my lack of positivity. for at least one day after drinking my mood is incredibly low and i find it immensly difficult to do things, and lately ive been drinking about every other day. it doesnt help that during this time i am also trying to cut so i lose my tummy leading me to be always hungry. the few people i matched with on dating apps hasnt really led anywhere, and i doubt it will. its beginning to become tedious again, though the initial bout of meeting people qas enjoyable. i keep thinking about Minnie. even writing this is leading to a megative feedback loop so i shall stop here",
|
||
"title": "13th May 2020 at 19:45",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200513095140748",
|
||
"created": "20200513094532211"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for:\n\n* a difficult job app that humbled me in my experience\n* time alone\n* hot and then cold showers to feel rejuvenated\n* getting coils for my vape",
|
||
"title": "13th May 2020 at 19:50",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200513095244073",
|
||
"created": "20200513095027831"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "welcome to dystopia general",
|
||
"title": "13th November 2018 at 07:13",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215914517",
|
||
"created": "20181112201358043"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "its the night before my interview and i cant sleep so im writing this. manya here is too and theres lots of things running through my mind and im nervous so i cant get to sleep. i previously wrote that this was the final stage but idk if thats true\n\nmore than the job, i keep thinking about manya and how i want a break. \n\nbutbut more onon that later? tomorrow? ",
|
||
"title": "13th November 2019 at 02:58",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191112160131821",
|
||
"created": "20191112155858282"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i still cant sleep and its basically morning now (its bright outside) \ni keep thinking about all the ways the talk about wanting a break could go badly and all the super mean shit i shouldnt say if i want this to be productive (you think now writing that down would ve better), so im writing them down to get them out if my head\n\nyou're so selfish the best excuse for your shitty beahviour you could come up with was \"i got fomo\" \nyou leave all sour and upset after i ask you to because i was in a bad mood, come back with a shitty lie just so you can get your own way, weasel your way into staying in my bed even though i repeatedly dropped hints and made it clear you should go, and then expect me not to be even slightly upset with you. is that what the circle of respect looks like? lying, disrespect and shittyness?? \ni go out of my way all the time to do things that i think you would like and you cant and wont afford me the same respect for the things i like\nyou add to my stress on stressful days rather than ease the stress, just another thing i have to worry about\ni actually prefer not seeing you because i put so much emotional labour into making sure things go well and you feel entitled to me trying to please you\nyou only do nice things for me if it benefits you in some way\nyou're entitled, selfish, immature and irresponsible, and ive developed a growing resentment towards you, and your behavior, so im taking a stand and want a break. \n\nit feels so good to get that out\ntoo many red flags and fights for me to invest any more into this\ni may reconsider if you show any aptitude for growth ",
|
||
"title": "13th November 2019 at 05:48",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191112185822725",
|
||
"created": "20191112184856598"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ughh, im falling sick today. i tried working on my assignment but mostly just got high a bunch instead which is not good. i have left a lot of chores lined up for this weekend and a lot of work as well and falling sick on top of that just makes it all a bit much. to be honest im kinda glad because now I have an excuse not to go to the meeting thingy tomorrow. i did want to go but im also stressed about all the things i have to do. it's quite a many things. at least i didnt get in trouble at work today, but i still wasted pretty much all of my time. i really need to get better at focusing at work. its really hard because there are so many distractions. today i spent most the time just talking to binh about his struggles. i really hope he finds a way out of it. \n\nyesterday i went to zeefan's to smoke up but it became weird idk why. we couldnt leave kinda but everyone had to go?? I don't really remember it but i remember being stoned and feeling awkward. \n\ni think i want to switch my entries to scuttlebutt (like i want to switch a lot of things to scuttlebutt in the long term, but my journal is one that would be very easy to swap. having it fragmented across devices would not be fun though. i guess ill just keep this for now. im also testing (log)[https://github.com/joshavanier/log] by Josh which is kinda cool. Im still figuring out what i want yaad to be, but the more time that goes by the less certain i am about it. i really just need to start. ",
|
||
"title": "13th October 2018 at 03:05",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181012161223429",
|
||
"created": "20181012160547062"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i was with all my high school friends and tho i was my current age (or older) they were still like they were in high school. we were at this super bougie building that was a bank. i was wearing a suit and they in regular clothes which mightve heightened this difference. it seemed like i was there to get a job because i was trying to impress someone i was going to meet there. anyways before the bank tour started we were just chilling out exploring the ground floor and my friends were so excited by all the fancy stuff. then the tour guide came and took us upstairs to explore \"the archive\". i led our group of friends and was discussing \"serious shit\" with the tour guide and being generally interested where as my friends were just being kids and fucking around (it didnt bother me or the tour guide tho) but then all of a sudden there is this nervous tension and somebody one of my friends had a heart attack in the bathroom so a couple friends and i go to investigate while the rest of the group continues the tour. at first i thought he took too much coke but he had like 6 daffys or something like that and his heart was racing hard and he threw up but he was fine. my friends offer me one of the daffys and i eat it and it kinda becomes powdery dirt in my mouth that i have to chew really hard on and it wont go away. so we all meet up at this secret marble room with a giant piano in it and I'm about to meet the person i was expecting to see but I'm freaking out because i got this powder dirt in my mouth and cant really speak well and I'm now my heart is speeding up too and I'm freaking out a little because I'm in drugs when meeting this dude and just as he shows up i wake up",
|
||
"title": "13th September 2019 at 18:32",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084435798",
|
||
"created": "20191009084209576"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today has been way better. I had so much fun bouldering on Monday with Cammy, Aaron, Bryte, his girlfriend, Caitlin and her friend. it also really improved my mood, as expected because of the work out. Today I got some study done (perhaps started is a better term) and am generally feeling happier and able to work. it's week 4 into the semester and though i still feel like i havent learned much, I'm getting there and making progress. incremental daily improvements.",
|
||
"title": "14th August 2018 at 23:07",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180814130958588",
|
||
"created": "20180814130724754"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "another reason i though of was spending lots of energy and time on riya leaves me with less time/energy to spend on my friends and being joyous with them. just a thought",
|
||
"title": "14th August 2020 at 20:09",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200814101110894",
|
||
"created": "20200814100953811"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i woke up very angry today. i kept having dreams about Pearl and her friends and we were communicating over ssb for some reason and she either kept ignoring me or wasnt listening to me or her friends said something? i cant really remember but i remember waking up and being very angry and then going back to sleep. maybe it had something to do with her boyfriend? ugh i really hate that she told me she's not used to sleeping alone anymore. like whoopdi fukcing do. idk why it makes me so mad but it does/did. i couldnt really process it and now i keep thinking about it and it sucks and maybe im still not totally over her. ugh. writing this out helps, but fuck im also really mad and annoyed. even yesterday when we were talking i felt like she was being a bad friend. but its whatever. things change and i just gotta not be a big baby about it. i'll be fine. gosh that feels like a weight off my shoulder. i dont know why i was carrying it around for no reason.\n\n i also kept waking up every 2 hours or so. i dont know if it was because of the lousy dreams or the alcohol but i was very frustrated.\n\ni finally woke up after having an angry dream about my parents and them snooping around or some shit. i remember yelling at them and giving some sort of speech about why they have to be like this or something. certainly not the best dreams ive had in a while and maybe alcohol does make me angry, i dont know. i certainly can feel the anger. though i dont really feel that festering tar pit in me anymore. at least not to any significant degree. its tiny and almost gone which is really nice. \n\non a totally seperate note im going back to india on the 19th which will be tons of fun i hope. im only there until the 31st which kinda sucks but im looking forward to seeing all my friends and my fam and nani and not having to go to work for a week. so i certainly am looking forward to it. \ni need to get out of canberra, i can feel it stifling my emotions and health and sucking the joy out of me. i want to go to a big city. yesterday cammy came over and we had a good time playing games and drinking heaps. im not hungover at all which is nice. i had a good time, i wish i had more friends like cammy. maybe i just wish i had more close friends full stop. hah.",
|
||
"title": "14th December 2018 at 15:00",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108073636985",
|
||
"created": "20190108073625549"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today I am once again grateful for meeting ray. I think i feel strongly abkut people who seem so similar to me but slightly different. i dont know how i feel about him, it's exciting ",
|
||
"title": "14th February 2018 at 20:49",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180214095021074",
|
||
"created": "20180214094906512"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "the bad luck continues: i lost my baggage on the way to perth. \n\nbut good news: they found it today!\n\nbad news: i dont know if ill be able to lodge a form\n\nalso bad news: the internet isn't installed and they haven't got back to me about the next appointment\n\noverall: trend of unluckyness continues",
|
||
"title": "14th February 2019 at 18:35",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190327083844335",
|
||
"created": "20190327083835001"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been back in canberra for a long while now and have done exactly nothing. I really want to change this. But instead I keep getting high and playing video games. I think I need to quit weed again for a while. Saying that makes me nervous. But that's probably a good thing, it means deep down I'm aware of how much I really am addicted to it and the thought of quitting makes me scared about how i'll go without it. \n\n2 days ago I dropped MD again with Junni, Anshul, Nanak. But I didn't really have a good time. even though the md was really good, I just didn't vibe very well. And then I've had to spend the past two days basically recovering. I want more from tomorrow. I want to do things. \n\nManage my focus. ",
|
||
"title": "14th January 2020 at 01:43",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200113144526310",
|
||
"created": "20200113144310522"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Working\n* Habits\n* Read my blog! (but couldn't update it due to some problem with gitea?)\n* Did some tasks! \n* Didn't snack! \n* Writing a letter to Riri\n* Note taking during work\n* devops work outside of work\n* Playing a lil melee with gareth\n* meditiation before review\n* Tired at the end of the day\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Was hungry a lot, but still didn't eat too much\n* didn't apply for any jobs, losing motivation \n* Freaking out because I kept typing in the wrong password on bowl\n* Budgeting/Finance/Investments\n* Lots of chores\n* Didn't leave the house\n* Didn't do anything creative \n* Pulling away from Riya still\n* Didn't ask for more money from work\n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Work on better building a 2nd brain? \n* Just pull the trigger on investments\n* Don't get complacent, keep striving for a better job\n* Work from the library?\n* Talk to Riya about how you feel\n* Face the challenge of asking for more money from work!\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Riya's snores \n* Jack coming over and working out with me\n* Autonomy in my work\n* The energy to keep doing computer shit after work\n* Still having my infrastructure running (since I thought I lost it)",
|
||
"title": "14th July 2020 at 23:59",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200714141827756",
|
||
"created": "20200714135920228"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm feeling terrified today. I'm so scared of what the future holds and i have so little understanding about my past and myself. ive really been reckoning with what i said to Cammy and its kinda gotten to me. I've been sleeping so much, hardly interacting with anyone - - both online amd off - - and idk what to do about it. I'm just terrified. I can sense myself falling apart again. im sleeping a shit load, I'm barely eating and not spending my time well, but also since I'm sleeping so much i hardly have any time and this is not a good combination. all the people i used to talk to on a daily basis doesn't really happen anymore our relationship changed and i think I'm largely too blame for all of them and that also makes me nervous. like i dont even understand who i am and how i relate to myself much less the world. I have no idea what to do. I want to be more resilient , but i also need friends and people who i can rely on and i dont feel like i have that right now. ",
|
||
"title": "14th June 2018 at 23:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180614132941431",
|
||
"created": "20180614132425720"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for my Artifex friends I'm glad i got to hang out with them in a chill environment and still feel comfortable hanging out there because in most group situations i tend to close up and feel uncomfortable so I'm grateful to have a place where i can feel like myself ",
|
||
"title": "14th June 2018 at 23:29",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180614133115892",
|
||
"created": "20180614132947005"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i just moved in with jxN yesterday. I spent my first night here. it's still surreal to me, that this is my new house, and these our my people. i had such a blast at the party yesterday. i do have to self isolate for 14 days at home which is a lil annoying but thats okay\n\nyesterday was a very emotional day. spent the morning packing and reminesincing with everyone and it was sorta like \"goodbye, but not forever\". pretty somber mood and some tears were shed and it was hard saying bye to everyone. and then i got here and it was a huge party and everyone was so shocked that i'm moving here (we managed to keep the secret!!) and so it was a very emotional day. i still haven't really processeed it. \n\nim really sad about not being with Riya. we're doing long distance, it's begining to set in just how difficult it will be. everyone i spoke to says you need to have firm dates for when youre going to meet next, and the rest of your life planned, and it can't just be this endless maybe sorta deal, which is exactly where we're at. alexa (russy's gf) basically pointed out how we're in the ultimate doom position which really sucks. but we'll figure it out i guess. ",
|
||
"title": "14th June 2020 at 14:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200614050731301",
|
||
"created": "20200614045157934"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "man I've been trying really hard to become a morning person but it's just not working\nit takes me quite a bit of time to get going in the morning\nand i keep wanting to stay in bed. mornings suck. I'm easily 5x more productive and happier in the night. I wish i didnt have to wake up in the mornings.\nI've also been feeling kinda like a fraud lately. i dont know if it's work or uni or both or the prospect of my future, i just feel like i have little idea what I'm doing. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to figure that out to be honest, and most people seem to imply that i have my shit together. I'm not really sure what else I'm supposed to be doing.\n\nI've just been grinding away at uni work today and i still don't think i got enough done but now I'm tired and i have to get up kinda early tomorrow so I'm in bed. maybe i really should write out a life map and possible futures. I'm not sure. I think most of this was because Ramee was talking to me and he seems to have his shit in much better order and most things going for him? i guess when i write it out it sounds kinda lame. i dont know the kinda of problems he's facing. ",
|
||
"title": "14th March 2018 at 22:31",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180314113854917",
|
||
"created": "20180314113152713"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh sync too slow so another conflict \n\nin the afternoon i went to tacqueri for mexican and it was really good lmao. mission is dope. ",
|
||
"title": "14th November 2018 at 03:06",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215924640",
|
||
"created": "20181114110622671"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "just wow. i dont know what to say. these past two days have been totally wild. today i met sean tilly from the fediverse! and i hung out with dhvani in the morning and then met yayu in the evening-ish and then met sean at a punk bar in mission which was amazing. we spent a couple hours just chatting and drinking it was great. \n\ni think the worst thing about coming here is how i now believe i would actually really like living here. san francisco is beautiful and such a wild place to live, and doing meaningless tech shit for shit tons of money is certainly do-able but i dont yet know if i want to. ughhh i hate that. \n\ni tthink another thing i learnt is that im actually not attracted to dhvani and probs not sarayu either. i dont yet quite understand how i feel about that. ive been day dreaming a lot about yayu and us being together before i got here, but today when i met her i didnt have that nervous excitement. it was like meeting an old friend. i love her and but i dont know if im in love with her. no i actually think im not in love with her. could i fall in love with her? quite possibly, but do am i in love with her right now? i don't think so anymore. she's cute and fun and awesome but idk its just not a thing. i feel like im tryna force it too much. but there isnt any time or any way to make it happen naturally, at least not right now. we went ice skating and it was so much fun. i think thats thing i enjoy about hanging out with yayu is we always have a lot of fun. i wonder what she's thinknig, or what she has been thinking. it's funny she brought up kudligi. i didn't know they were talking again. i might be thinking into this too much but i think that's kinda funny. since she only really hit me up after breaking up with troy and she probs did the same for kudligi i wonder if shes just lonely. idk, i'll probs see her again before i leave sf so who knows. \n\nits carzy to me that im already dreading returning back to america. god damn. i dont think ive had that with travelling before. normally im so keen to get home, but right now im enjoying being on the move. i mean, i only just got here and this is my first stop so maybe ill be more tired later, but i think i could do the whole travelling digital nomad thing. ",
|
||
"title": "14th November 2018 at 21:09",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181121194529168",
|
||
"created": "20181120215504520"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i'm so tired right now, i think i should be able to get to sleep, but i wanted to write something down before i did. \n\nits the first time i tripped in a long time, and it was a way different trip than what i was used to, in a great way\n\ni remember looking up at the clouds, lying in glebe park, thinking the clouds formed mountains and i was the sky. it was so unlike most other types of trips i've had, and also way more subtle\n\ni really enjoyed it",
|
||
"title": "14th November 2019 at 02:22",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191113152424276",
|
||
"created": "20191113152233777"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i keep hearing voices, but i wont pay them much mind",
|
||
"title": "14th November 2019 at 02:26",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191113152642873",
|
||
"created": "20191113152623072"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been frustrated with my computer use lately, or even my time management more generally. i spend so much time just staring at my screen not doing things i want to be doing. i also just get high and watch tv instead for ages. but mostly it's my phone and computer. I'm always distracted. i need to do something about this\n\nUGHH IM MAD. i was doing it right now again!!! i was browsing fdroid for no fucking reason other than because my brain demands i touch the shiny lights and shit. FUCK! ",
|
||
"title": "14th October 2018 at 04:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181013173225795",
|
||
"created": "20181013172429085"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "man i was in such a good mood until right now after getting off the phone with manya. i was just about to go to bed after finishing all my chores, after having texted her that i'd see her tomorrow not today, and she still makes me feel bad about wanting space. fuck that. i dont want to feel bad about needing space. im tired and been around people all day, and been with her since saturday and just wanted to spend one night alone so im the fucking bad guy. and she makes me feel shit for wanting that. i dont like it at all. \n\nand it sucks because we have good conversation, and i want to cuddle too and it puts me in a difficult situation and when i still decide to be a responsible adult, i look like an asshole for standing up for myself. every time she says this time we'll go to sleep immediately. and every time it never happens. i just didnt want it to happen because i have to go to work tomorrow and didnt get any sleep last night anyway. i wanted to play noita, i wanted to read quietly in my bed. i wanted to do nerd shit with haasy party. but now im just in a sour mood and probably wont do any of that. instead i should meditate. \n\nshe gives me criticism and i try to work on it and better myself, and sure i have flaws. but she wont change herself. \n\ni dont know, i feel like ive intentionally tried to keep her out as well, because i dont want to get attached, and maybe thats having the opposite affect. does that make it my fault though? im trying to look out for me, and sure thats selfish, but i dont think that wipes away manyas flaws. and i guess she's trying to work on some of them (like affection in public) but if something crosses my line or i want to do something else, i think i should be respected. i shouldn't feel bad about myself for wanting that. \n\ngreat shes calling rn again. ",
|
||
"title": "14th October 2019 at 23:16",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191014122348106",
|
||
"created": "20191014121625312"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "and now i got bullied into going to her house. \n\ni dont know why i put up with this. i really really dont like it. \n\ni dont like not being listened to.\ni dont like feeling like i dont have a choice.\ni dont like being repeatedly talked into something i have repeatedly said no about.\n\nfuck it",
|
||
"title": "14th October 2019 at 23:27",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191014122832324",
|
||
"created": "20191014122726256"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i feel like i once again reached the stage where i was able to let go of my suffering. something xlicked for me at bouldering on Tuesday and I vividly remember thinking \"see, it doesn't have to be so bad\" and feeling like a huge burden was dropped. I pictured a ball and chain falling.\nAt bouldering this week I was able to do the purple climbs quite well. I'd say I'm able to do about half of them now, maybe still a little less. next week i want to do at least one black one. I think being able to do the purples boosted my confidence which in turn helped with my depression. \nBecause of this my mood has been excellent and my productivity levels somewhat high. After finally getting Tanu's website online (messing with nginx was a nightmare and felix helped me out) I have no undertaken my first real freelance project! I'm charging $35 an hour and building a WordPress site for a colleague, whose name is Kenedy. I've also restructured taskwarrior to be more appropriate and less long and moved things to the other tiddlywiki file, proj. as a sort of reference to where i am with my things. This has helped and im excited to work on my first real project. If I make more than $300 from it I'll be quite happy. \nin more fun news im now looking into buying a dev machine. originally i wanted a switch, but i thought about it some more and I dont want one yet. i dont really have time to game much anyway, and after watching dunkeys video I kinda caught the metroid bug (especially since I wanted to play hollow knight more than anything) so now I'm playing through metroid zero mission on my psp and after that I'll probs play symphony of the night. \n\ni feel satisfied with myself and I want to keep going. i believe in myself and want to work hard and keep trying my best because that's all i can do.",
|
||
"title": "14th September 2018 at 01:09",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180913151840376",
|
||
"created": "20180913150925210"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* taking a nap\n* hanging out with haikal and azri\n* getting grilled\n* taking a nap\n* taking to tanushree\n* trying to build vim plugins with nixOS\n* Meditating\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* talking to mum (didn't happen)\n* talking to khalla (didn't happen) \n* doing chores\n* prepping for work\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* do some chores (send parv information!)\n* talk to family\n* find training courses to do\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* all the free time i now have\n* trying to do fun stuff with my free time\n* learning things by trial and error",
|
||
"title": "14th September 2020 at 01:01",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200913150908924",
|
||
"created": "20200913150148245"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today has been a pretty good day overall. in the morning I didn't really know if I should go to Bsides, but i did end up going. and at first I felt lonely and out of place (perhaps in part because I was speaking to yayu and tanu who were visiting each other and having a ball), but I'm glad I went in the end. I got to see some cool talks, and build the badge which was pretty fun. then I did some lock picking which was awesome to finally try out! When I got on the bus home it was raining a lot and then it got really cold. After I came home I played minecraft with the boys. That was fun but we kept restarting because we did dumb meme-y shit. eventually we finally settled on a world, and we had been playing for a good hour just building stuff, during which we realised it wasn't hardcore. and then after a while longer russy pointed out it wasn't on hard either and we all collectively lost our shit and rage quit for jxN wasting our time.\nAfter that me, jxN, russy and callum played Splendour and we had the most fucked game ever. Russy got to 10 points pretty quickly and had a 5 point card reserved for which he only needed 1 blue gem to buy. The rest of us all teamed up against him to hoard all the remaining blues and golds so that he couldn't get one. We cucked him soo hard. Eventually he decided to top deck a card and got a cheap blue he could purchase, and at that point we knew there was no point in cucking him. However since he had his turn after me I had to keep cucking him for the golds. This led to me not only catching up in points, but also being able to sneak out the victory the turn before russy got his by buying a 5 point card from the board with 4 golds. It was so crazy. I'm really glad i got to be there and also be the winner. ",
|
||
"title": "15th April 2018 at 00:26",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180414145501926",
|
||
"created": "20180414142612495"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i enjoyed today and while I didn't get the uni things I wanted to done (I'm really quite behind now, with research and 2 assignments due soon and another possibly on the way) I had a nice time. I bought some new plants and got a hair cut and got a new tank for my vape. I did spend a lot of money though. I really need to figure out a better way to manage ny finances than just buying things that i want whenever I feel like it. I also decided on gonna try and grow a goatee today. I like the look already. it feels really metal/monk-like. ",
|
||
"title": "15th April 2018 at 22:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180415124154692",
|
||
"created": "20180415123931277"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Wow. I feel like ive had something i always knew about me (being lazy) and explained it to me in a way i feel i understand much better. I've been watching Will Schroder's videos and my god, I'm already in love with him. Just the things he says and the way he articulates them and all the effort he puts into things it's amazing and inspiring and is the reason I chose to give up being a lazy person and actually try. I think a new conclusion I've accepted is that thoughts are for doing. Will also goes over this briefly or tangentially (ironic that I can't remember -- I did just remember, it was his Bojack video in which he talks about how it isn't enough to just think about being a good person, or wanting to be forgiven, but taking actions to become a better person.) and this is something ive been struggling with for quite some time. But I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. Thinking is for doing. And to put care and effort into the things I create and be more patient and give it my all. Focus!",
|
||
"title": "15th August 2018 at 21:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180815114513215",
|
||
"created": "20180815113914963"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* meeting shivdeep \n* napping after work\n* watching gareth cq\n* getting paid (Lol) \n* meditation and reflection\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* work\n* Getting enough sleep\n* being slightly too hungover\n* drinking again today\n* cumming too many times, and watching porn\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* dont watch porn\n* sleep at a reasonable hour\n",
|
||
"title": "15th August 2020 at 00:54",
|
||
"tags": "Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200814145904516",
|
||
"created": "20200814145422462"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "my earphones arrived today according to FedEx. I'm so grateful they're here, though i still have to pick them up. i ran to the bus stop to catch the bus and made it. hopefully I'll be in time to pick them up. i really really hope so. ",
|
||
"title": "15th February 2018 at 16:42",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180215054314671",
|
||
"created": "20180215054211712"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "sighh\nit didn't arrive, but that's okay. it'll be here tomorrow. one more day won't kill me. in fact one day after that and it'll be normal ",
|
||
"title": "15th February 2018 at 18:19",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180215072011209",
|
||
"created": "20180215071907669"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Got heaps of chores down \n* Kept trying at work despite feeling like I was banging my head against the wall\n* Bought a tent for camping\n* Kombucha taste\n* Work out \n* Habits\n* My room is beautiful now (put up the vines all across)\n\nWhat did not go well today: \n\n* Banging my head against the wall at work\n* Didn't get enough sleep\n* No energy to do computer stuff after work\n* Got talked out of dying my hair(might be a good thing?)\n* Haven't prepared for camping packing\n* bought lots of snacks\n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Take a breather and recenter when you're not making progress during work\n* Pace yourself with the snacks, drink kombucha now instead\n* Go to bed earlier!",
|
||
"title": "15th July 2020 at 23:20",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200715133515858",
|
||
"created": "20200715132020525"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today I am grateful for:\n\n* being in brisbane \n* waking up to the incredible view i get\n* the intense double shot of espresso i made with jxN's coffee setup\n* having james and chtl over just to chat a lil ",
|
||
"title": "15th June 2020 at 22:01",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200615121044712",
|
||
"created": "20200615120123704"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "and my world just sorta came crumbling down. the ticking time bomb i was waiting for finally went off. i got rejected from the ASD position. i guess that basically means im here to stay in brisbane now. everything feels kinda hollow right now and it feels like my worst nightmare just became true. but in a certain sense i also knew that this was coming. lying about my piracy and weed habits was undoubtedly what led to me being determined unfit for the organization. though perhaps also my spiel about edward snowden didnt help. i sorta already knew this was coming to a certain degree i just didnt want to believe it. that seems to have become a pattern of mine. refusing to believe things that i dont want to believe and then not having the world shaken up, but having to face the reality i was hiding from eventually. i did it with lockdown moving to brisbane too, and dating riya (and may currently still be doing that with out future together, it's hard for me to decipher in my current state) and surely many other things in my past. \n\ni wish to learn this lesson. not to hide and run away from things simply because they're uncomfortable to acknowledge. that is the primary reason i think i didn't get hired by the ASD. that i wasnt willing to say, \"yes i've done many drugs, yes I still actively pirate things\". i need to stop running away from all that. ",
|
||
"title": "15th June 2020 at 23:55",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200615140952402",
|
||
"created": "20200615135541562"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* the chance to write a letter to a stranger\n* finishing things i was procrastinating on\n* getting TaskWhisperer working",
|
||
"title": "15th May 2020 at 01:01",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200514150157659",
|
||
"created": "20200514150115543"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm sitting in the sydney airport currently, heading to Korea, my flight is in another 15 minutes, but I thought I'd write some stuff down before leaving. \n\nI'm really excited to meet Charly again after so long! It's been over 4 years. I wonder what she's like now. I wonder if we'll still get along. I'm really glad I booked a flight to Korea yesterday, I''m excited to see what it's like. To get lost in the city. Chan will also be there which is dope, I'll always have someone to show me around. What a lucky coincidence that he had to go home too because of the HK protests. Worked out in my favour for sure. I wonder what I'll get up to in Korea. It'll be a fun trip :)\n\nI really wish I got my fx tec pro 1, I think it would make writing things down a lot easier. I did however get my onyx note pro, which is also v fun to use, though I still have to incorporate it fully into my workflow, I decided to bring it along to see how it goes. Reading mags on it will be good too, I didn't have a good way to read digital magazines, and now I do so that's good. \n\nI'm really nervous about getting the Sydney job, I really hope I do, and even though it's only been a day and they haven't got back to me I'm getting worried about that. Especially since the person next to me is sending out job applications. I really really hope I get it just because how much easier my life will get if I do find a job. Otherwise it'll be a pain applying again. Well here's to hoping. ",
|
||
"title": "15th November 2019 at 21:25",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130095111249",
|
||
"created": "20200130095059416"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm not sure if i should write much right now, im very tired and still in a bit of a mood, but something quite cool happened. for the first time i was able to quell my growing \"darkness\" through the experimentation part of my identity. that i shouldn't be afraid to try new things and be open to situations. it held me down and kept me safe and the darkness, though not banished totally, was thoroughly pierced. i want to write more of those. \n\nIm grateful for the pieces of myself I'm nailing to my future. ",
|
||
"title": "15th October 2018 at 02:37",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181014153958775",
|
||
"created": "20181014153717835"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i started reading some of these but had to stop and close them all because i was getting sad. the first entry was from Sept 17th. it's been a rough month. \n\nfuck.",
|
||
"title": "15th October 2018 at 02:41",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181014154242755",
|
||
"created": "20181014154114087"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i keep singing \"ooooh, everything sucks right now\" because im not in a good mood. i did go bouldering which helped but today has totally been a depression day. which really sucks because i had so much shit to do and now i only have more shit to do and im kinda freaking out a little bit because ive been doing awfully in university and everything is getting much. \ni know ill get through this but im not looking forward to the aftermath. i can already feel it sort of bubbling and viscous tucked away in a dark corner. burning hot like fire. i dont know how to hold it or deal with but i hope it doesnt grow any bigger. ",
|
||
"title": "15th October 2018 at 23:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181015130101146",
|
||
"created": "20181015125722523"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i was thinking of something today when i was meditating but i can no longer remember it. its only 8.30 and im ready for bed, im so damn tired today im not really sure what took it out of me. i think as well that i am wasting riyas time... i dont think i can get married to her on the timeline that she would want. but idk if I have the balls to do it. its been feeling more and more like a lie when i tell her i love her... this got dire v quick and that wasnt my intention\n\n",
|
||
"title": "16th August 2020 at 20:36",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200816103940273",
|
||
"created": "20200816103602893"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i had the craziest dream, and sleep paralysis added to it in the most positive way. I was in some sort of apartment late at night, and standing on the balcony I thought I saw Vishal and Tarun running around downstairs. I was high up so I couldnt quite discern, but I thought it was strange because I wasn't in India. A bit later they showed up at my place and I was over the moon, and we started drinking. Moments later Vishal threw up all over the balcony, the idiot lol. He wass trying to vacuum it up, and I gave him a mop instead. and then my friends just kept showing up! basically all my friends eventually showed up and i was so blown away that they all came to see me I didnt know how to react, it was beautiful. the last people to come were Sarayu, Kishan and Mum and Pa. When Sarayu came we danced together and I grabbed her hips, and then i got a bit of a boner and was worried, but she didnt seem to mind. and then we kept partying. it was lovely. in between i woke up and was sleep paralyzed and saw Papa standing in the door into the balcony, so I thought I was actually there. It was really magical. \n\nMy next dream was a horny dream involving Sarayu that I feel a lil guilty about, and worried that she will become the girl of my interest again. Perhaps not, but no need to materialize it",
|
||
"title": "16th December 2019 at 11:12",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191215230223692",
|
||
"created": "20191215221212546"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* finding my watch! \n* night pool seshes\n* fried chicken at 3am\n* ice cream at 5am\n* Aircon ",
|
||
"title": "16th February 2020 at 16:33",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200217131615695",
|
||
"created": "20200216063313529"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been down in a bit of a rut again the past couple of days but that's not what I'm here to talk about. \nWhat I'm here to talk about is how to break down my walls. Watching Queer eye has really inspired me to firmly understand myself and everything that entails. I have a lot of things going through my mind, and I want to talk openly and honestly with my counsellor so I can make real improvements. I get that I can be a sad fuck sometimes, and that I'm lonely a lot but my problems go beyond that. My relationship with my parents, my lack of a support network, my idealogicial purism. My porn habits. My drug habits. These are just a few of the things that I need to actually face and come to terms with or tame in some manner to become the person I want to be. That's something I've been thinking a lot lately. Is that I'm not the person I think I am. And I want to be that person. I really, really do. I want to thrive and become a good human being (this is actually hard for me to write because saying out loud or putting it in words scares me), whatever that may entail. I still don't know entirely the kind of person I want to grow up to be, and if I don't ever figure it out I'll never actually grow up. And I think I do have to grow up. I can't continue to always be a child despite how nice it may be. I can still be a child sometimes, and engage in playful childish behaviour on occasion but I also have to be an adult, I have to learn to be a more than just a productive or functional human being, but one that flourishes on my own terms. \n\nAnother thing Queer Eye taught me that is related that I'm still figuring out is bringing my worlds together. A lot of the people they help lead very seperate lives between all their different social groups. I'm exactly the same, and though I do believe that to some degree I will continue being slightly different in different circumstances, I would like to make worlds collide and generally be a more \"solid\" person for lack of a better word. \n\nAnd finally QE also taught me a lot about how to love myself. I hope to be able to apply the things they show and teach all those other people about how to care and love yourself and put your best self forward and that kinda stuff because I am lost and I could use some guidance. ",
|
||
"title": "16th July 2018 at 22:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180716133151322",
|
||
"created": "20180716125030660"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I was grateful to have my laptop at work and not have to use the work computer for messing around with. It's a small thing, and I don't even like my laptop that much (awww, I'm sorry, that's not true, I do like my laptop which is why I use it) but it's something I am grateful for. ",
|
||
"title": "16th July 2018 at 23:23",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180716132703726",
|
||
"created": "20180716132306099"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today has been mymy first free day after moving into my new place last week. it's been really nice but also weird to going back to living like a normal person. I already feel the momentum picking up and im really happy about that\n\nlooking forward to see how it develops, honestly ",
|
||
"title": "16th July 2019 at 04:47",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190715185005287",
|
||
"created": "20190715184748906"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm going to queensland tomorrow (today?) and I'm quite excited. I stayed up way later than I should've already but I'm really looking forward to it. I don't really want to write much about today because it hasn't been good, but one thing I certainly want to try is to lower the amount of time I spend on the internet. I think I really am addicted to scrolling on mastodon and checking slack and even checking my RSS feed. i need to stop with that. I think a good idea would be to carry around a notepad and use that to take down ideas when i dont need my phone. not having the device will make it easier to stop using it all the time. ",
|
||
"title": "16th June 2018 at 02:12",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180615161944997",
|
||
"created": "20180615161228046"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Im sitting at the airport in Brisbane after spending the weekend here and I had a lot of fun but also a lot of questions. I got really fucking drunk on Friday and Saturday was a much more chill sesh. I've missed the QF homies and its been a lil rough since the new years shit but it was great seeing them all now and im so glad i did. plus this was ny first time meeting Woodly and it was hig big come back and im so glad i was there for that. but i have some questions because I made out with Gareth on Friday and that was fun so i guess thats a good sign? 😂👀\n\ni want to see them again soon, and also ive missed journaling ",
|
||
"title": "16th June 2019 at 16:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190616062821101",
|
||
"created": "20190616062449961"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "it was on thursday (3 days ago) i saw a homeless chap (his name is Andrew) sitting around civic and decided to help him. i was going to coles anyway so i picked up a gift card for him, and then decided to chat with him a lil while before going. while doing so this elderly white lady came up to us and asked if i was preaching Islam and i couldnt roll my eyes harder if i tried. i told her i wasn't and then she asked about jesus, and i said i also wasn't preaching about him because im not christian. then she walks away all flustured but then comes back talking about how i said she isn't a real christian or some shit and just turn to her and say thats not what i said and she finally leaves us. it was incredible because we were just talking about how people are so quick to judge and how they dont know Andrew's story but will just assume whatever they want to fit their own narrative and then this lady comes up and does exactly that. \n\ni hope andrew is doing well. ",
|
||
"title": "16th March 2019 at 18:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190316075233847",
|
||
"created": "20190316074019680"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ughhh, im sad im leaving sf already. ive had such a great time here it's been amazing. im gonna miss all my friends from here, and all the rekindled friendships here will remain with me for a while. seeing akash, ishan and gadre was dope. i feel like i got along with all of them. and of course im gonna miss yayu too. and dhvani and will and jaj lol. remembering that i have people that care about was one of the factors involved in this trip, and i feel like i alreday got a lot of that seeing the people here. there was a ton of people i missed and wont be able to see, but thats okay too, y'know? \n\nim gonna miss this place a ton. ",
|
||
"title": "16th November 2018 at 02:22",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215933118",
|
||
"created": "20181116102214841"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "a torrential waterfall encompasses my hearing. quotes of freedom and eudmonia fill the walls. im shook, what a beautiful experience ",
|
||
"title": "16th November 2018 at 16:51",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120220044741",
|
||
"created": "20181120215820927"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Another week goes by.\nOn Saturday we (Me, Aaron, Cammy and Keith) went to jj's place to hang out. It was an enjoyable night, though jj seemed kinda sad. I didn't get v drunk and had a nice time. \n\nMost of today I spent watching BoJack. The new season has been phenomenonal so far. I'm loving it. next week is going to be particularly hectic since I haven't really prepared as I should have over the break. I have deliverables in every one of my courses due. Inspite of this I'm continuing on and trying not to stress too much. \n\nHowever I think the spark I was talking about from last time is wearing off. I'm beginning to realise that talking to Parul and Tanu makes me quite sad/frustrated, so i havent been messaging them as much. This makes me feel lonely though, but I'm combating that too through other ways. I'm thinking of joining Tinder and hooking up with some random to see if i can, plus sex would be great. \n\nI feel a little adrift rn. But I believe in myself. I have the confidence to do the things i set out to. ",
|
||
"title": "16th September 2018 at 23:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180916132621136",
|
||
"created": "20180916132124298"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* climbing\n* morning routine\n* trying out new art and creative stuff\n* learning new vim tricks\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* not starting work until after lunch\n* scrolling too much during work hours\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* if scrolling for learning, dive in instead of just scrolling\n* give a set amount of time or a set task to learning/scrolling and then work\n* turn screen grayscale when working, even if learning\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* finishing idiot wind!\n* having built nix packages and submitting a PR\n* fzf and a better way to navigate the command line\n* having time to spend learning my craft\n* having money to buy games (void bastards)",
|
||
"title": "16th September 2020 at 23:41",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200916135305129",
|
||
"created": "20200916134148298"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "things I've lost so far in America:\n\n* wireless earphones\n* my bank card\n* tuneers keys\n* ~~neck/head pillow~~",
|
||
"title": "17st November 2018 at 06:04",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181124002432755",
|
||
"created": "20181120215651653"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I hung out with Jeremy most of the day. Though I did spend the morning doing small chores that I had to do, from about 11am onwards, I was just waiting for him. In hindsight I should've gone to the gym while waiting which was the original plan, but I didn't commit to it fast enough and then Jeremy also woke up so I just sat aronud waiting instead. \n\nI'm really glad I got to hang out with jeremy. He fed me tons of vape, and I had a few beers and just had a swell time. We played halo co-op which was so nostalgic to go back through, but we did get owned quite a bit too since we were playing legendary. I did notice that his more conservative side rubbed me the wrong way more than usual, but I think that's okay, probably because we haven't spent much time together of late. ",
|
||
"title": "17th April 2018 at 23:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180417144605415",
|
||
"created": "20180417131859573"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been wanting to write for my blog and work on it for indie web and stuff but i never really get the chance. i tried writing at work but i forgot to save the file and send it to myself. so oh well, it wasn't really that good anyway imo. also my hands hurt a fuckton all the time now and it sucks. i dont know what to do about it. ",
|
||
"title": "17th April 2019 at 00:19",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190416144418945",
|
||
"created": "20190416141905896"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for:\n\n* talking to tanu \n* going to jacks place and the scooter ride back home\n* finishing the work task\n* getting enough sleep\n* ",
|
||
"title": "17th August 2020 at 22:49",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200817125131054",
|
||
"created": "20200817124938936"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Feeling some sort of way after my dream last night and being in NZ and far away. Almost constrained in dome sense. In my dream I was back at school for some reason as though I hadn't graduated. There I met Jay who kept talking about Parul and that made me feel weird. As though there was something I was missing, and I woke up feeling that way too. Like there was something wrong and that I'd always be just off for people, for the people I'm closest to. It reminded me of the time I tried to burn those bridges but they wouldn't let me. I can't tell if I feel alone or excited, or just done.\n\nI think I'll send them a message\n\nAlso the lines from Ultra Light Beam are stuck in my head\n\"I will field your questions, \nI will shield your pain\" ",
|
||
"title": "17th December 2019 at 10:09",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191216212117647",
|
||
"created": "20191216210923538"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Finishing my task at work\n* Buying and cooking a big bucket of fried rice\n* Work out into swim even though it was cold \n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Time management on work task\n* Habits\n* Useless breaks during work\n* Didn't get to the job application test\n* Cleaning up the kitchen after cooking\n\nWhat can I do to improve tomorrow:\n\n* When taking a break dont be mindless, collect myself, relax, \n* Don't take too many breaks, try to follow pomodoro\n* Pick utensils wisely instead of the first one that comes into my hand when cooking\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Getting the task at work done\n* Recieving good feedback\n* Swimming\n* Coffee \n",
|
||
"title": "17th July 2020 at 00:29",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200716143319955",
|
||
"created": "20200716142911731"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I am grateful for:\n\n* The city lights at night\n* Having all my stuff arrive\n* Learning to Django\n* Watching Parasite",
|
||
"title": "17th June 2020 at 23:58",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200617135901255",
|
||
"created": "20200617135816524"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was a very close call for godmode may. I wanted Parul so bad and was super horny and kept looking at naughty pictures and then just couldn't control myself. I started fapping and was edging a bunch and almost came super quickly just thinking about Parul. But with the help of my fellow gods I managed to control myself and take a cold shower and that seemed to stave off the urge. Stroking felt really really good though since it's been so long and my dick got harder and bigger than it usually I does. I can't stop thinking about Parul. Since she told me she's not bound to the US anymore I just want her more and can't wait to see her. I keep fantasizing about her coming to visit and me picking her up at the airport and giving her a big hug and twirling her around in the air and then kissing her and all the things that would follow, like getting in the Uber and then coming home, and holding her hand and touching her and everything. Ugh, I don't know I got to be like this again. Actually that's not entirely true, I have some idea. God it's so hard being in love with her when she's so far away. I really really hope she does come to visit otherwise I'll be quite upset. I keep getting jealous when she's not around and wondering what she's up to and it kinda frustrates me. I know it's unreasonable and silly and I want to be better about it but it's really hard. Reading this again is so pathetic lmao. ",
|
||
"title": "17th May 2018 at 22:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180517123137079",
|
||
"created": "20180517122448152"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i cant sleep because of racing thoughts so I'm writing them down. i feel a deep sense of inadequacy, failure and imposture syndrome. i think it was brought on by looking through Kitaab again and feeling emptiness at the entirety of my life in notes. it was strange and uncomfortable amd probably led me to the following thoughts: in some sense ill never be good enough for the standards i set. that im far too scatter brained to actually become who i want to be. but even who i want to be is not something i have.a strong grasp on which only furthers my feelings. I think back on my university degree, and how i was exceptionally mediocre for most of it, and how that seems to be a trend in my life, whether it be for personal projects or otherwise. i even paint most the relationships i have in a bleak light during this time. and then im not left with much else. and the cycle deepens again. if im not happy with the things i do, the relationships i tried to cultivate, and dont know who i want to be, where do i go? what do i do?\n\nthis may also have to do with being hungover. lately i begin to feel exceptionally shitty after a night of drinking. the physical side effects arent too bad, and even tend to dissappear some of the time. but mentally its exhausting. i begin down this path of questioning, feel totally useless and unsure what to do, let alone how to do it. i think about quitting alcohol because of these negative effects but i look to those i know that don't drink and they rub me the wrong way. almost as though something doesnt feel right. i should switch to only drinking for occasions, rather than just because prabh asks me to. but if i turn to that then a lot of my IBD friends become pointless. at first i thought that would scare me, but now having written it down it sounds like.not such a bad thing maybe. ",
|
||
"title": "17th May 2020 at 01:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200516161053616",
|
||
"created": "20200516155712687"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "omg im on the flight to Arizona (though first stop in LAS) i fell asleep and now am in LAS (which is covered in gambling machines) about to get on the next flight. gonna try and sleep some more on the flight, but the past 24 hours have been fucking crazy! ",
|
||
"title": "17th November 2018 at 07:04",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120220037050",
|
||
"created": "20181120215754712"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ughhhhh, i met charly again for the first time in almost 5 years and she's just as cute as i remember and we connected again and i wanted to kiss her soooo bad, but i couldn't because she has a boyfriend :(\n\ni guess i was hoping she would be single, and even though part of me knew that even if she was single maybe nothing would happen, the fact that im here now and we still have chemistry and she's not single makes me a lil sad. she's so cute and ughhhh i just want to kiss her face. there were so many points tonight where we were just vibing and she was leaning in and i could've kissed her but she wasn't single!!!!!\n\n*sigh* i wish i was a terrible person and didn't give a fuck and just made out with her. it sucks, but i'm glad i held on to my \"morals\". \n\nit was really fun hanging out and catching up with her regardless. i honestly think some part of me will always be attracted to her, and i think i'm okay with that. i had such a good time with her that i can't even really be mad that nothiing happened between us. if anything it's a testament to our friendship that nothing happened. that we could have such a nice time and even though i felt she was still clearly attracted to me (and i her) we could still be friends and hang out and just enjoy ourselves. \n\nwe went to a few bars and then finally a karoke place and omfg i can't stop thinking about her. why is it that i always fall in love with people forever? we got drunk and partied a lil and omg i just really miss her company. i'm beginning to remember why i fell in love with her in the first place. \n\nhah, even if nothing happens between us i'm already so happy to see her again. \n\nit's been such a great night. god fucking damn it Charly. Why you gotta be so cute and attractive all the time???",
|
||
"title": "17th November 2019 at 03:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130095146896",
|
||
"created": "20200130095140431"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so me and manya kinda worked it out. we had our first \"fight\" even though it is technically the second. anyways we seemed to have come to an agreement, ill see how it goes i guess",
|
||
"title": "17th October 2019 at 23:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130095621287",
|
||
"created": "20200130095612734"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i went to my first labour party meeting today. it was alright ,i was surprised by how similar it is to uni politics. I guess politics is politics no matter where you go.\n\nI'm fighting off stress and depression today again. but i feel more successful than usual, though not really more productive. but I'll cope i suppose. i have been watching lots of bojack but i cant tell whether that put me in this mood, or helps with it. regardless I'm really enjoying that show. it's beautiful. \n\n i also had to reschedule my appointment with my counsellor which kinda sucks, but it is what it is, i guess.\n\nmy algorithms midsem is tomorrow, and honestly i just want to be done. ",
|
||
"title": "17th September 2018 at 22:12",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180917121625505",
|
||
"created": "20180917121217395"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "reading Midnight's Children.\n\nwhy does talking to my closest friends make me sad? what am i expecting from them? what do i want from them? why do i never seem to get it? \n\ni think i need a hug and some personal attention. though i probably wouldn't deal well with that either. i keep trying to solve all my problems myself, often outright refusing the assistance of others. i wonder if I'll ever change. \n\nconstantly reminded that this is my life now, and i only have myself to blame. ",
|
||
"title": "17th September 2018 at 22:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180917125404798",
|
||
"created": "20180917125016000"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* finishing off the work thing that i shouldve finished\n* getting a late work out in\n* besting my sugar cravings\n* not snacking at all\n* hitting lots of habits\n* finaly changing my sheets and doing laundry (lol)\n* getting better at downwell\n* using taskwarrior well\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* didn't get time to work on creative stuff because i was playing games/working\n* checking my phone a lot for content, but feeling frustrated when i didnt get a 'hit'\n* taking lots of time after the morning meeting to actually start work\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* let go of trying to get new content all the time and meditate instead \n* take better advantage of pomodoro breaks (was doing this today as well, which is good)\n* start work quickly after morning meetin",
|
||
"title": "17th September 2020 at 23:35",
|
||
"tags": "Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200917134512152",
|
||
"created": "20200917133518922"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "for some reason i am thinking about Manya. about whether all i ever really wanted was her genitals as she so bluntly put it that night on the phone. the spiteful part of me wants to say yes, that i never cared about her at all. but thats not true, it was always her that kept repeating how she didnt think we were friends and that she couldnt see me that way. and i think about how i kept trying to break it off so that we were just friends. i always knew i could never give her what she wanted, and i kept trying to do the right thing, but she wouldnt let me.\n\ni guess she had to make me the enemy to get on with her life. somehow, im okay with that now. i think im at least a little less spiteful. ",
|
||
"title": "18th April 2020 at 01:35",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200417153926359",
|
||
"created": "20200417153526872"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been meaning to write about tanvir as well for a while, bur was never quite sure what to say. finishing Pygmalion helped me solve that. there's a quote about lions who find each other a bore. i think ive started to feel more threatened by him, in some sense. even though we're not quite similar, there's something about his growth that rubs me the wrong way. as though are strengths are more aligned now and so we have less use for each other, whereas before our differences made us powerful together. its funny how that works. how we influence people to be more like us, but the more similar we become they less point there is to staying together. i wonder if thats something i should bring up with him. suddenly i miss him in a way i havent in a long while",
|
||
"title": "18th April 2020 at 01:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200417154337864",
|
||
"created": "20200417153939777"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "its getting quite late and i still need to shower but i wanted to talk about the weekend a bit. Mike came down from Brisbane and its been fun showing him around Canberra and drinknig with him. we did tons of stuff, bouldering, muesums and food and ofc drinks. i really like mike. he's fun and chill. i dont however think i still have a crush on him. \n\ni also did a bunch of natas today and got to level 11 which im pretty happy about :) i wanna practice more stuff. HACK THE PLANET",
|
||
"title": "18th August 2019 at 22:34",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190818123623016",
|
||
"created": "20190818123404788"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today me and riya probably came the closest we ever have to breaking up and i feel... complicated about it. on one hand i feel relieved, and in some sense happier that i dont have to see her until friday (Not a good sign) but i also feel slightly sad and bad about what i did? perhaps thats not the right way to put it, but there is this emptiness\n\ntanushree was telling me yesterday that breaking up with her is the right thing to do and im inclined to agree, but everytime i try to things dont go well. she holds on or baits me into staying with her, which is her right and im glad she does in a certain regard, but also the challenges we will have to overcome seem insurmountable and idk if im ready for that or can commit to that. leaves me unsure of what to do, and whether to continue. im glad shes given me some space and time to think things over, i did need that. it wasnt easy though. i wonder what that means for the future of our relationship. i think thats part of it too, that i know when it comes to the big things (Marriage, kids, living together, her parents) im going to have to be the one to compromise if we have a future together at all. i dont like the sign of that, and hence i believe it better to let her down now rather than later... i wonder if ill find the courage. ",
|
||
"title": "18th August 2020 at 22:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200818130219270",
|
||
"created": "20200818121509358"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been very angry lately. i dont know if its because of a lack of sleep, alcohol (though that hasn't been regular) or simply the time of year. im reminded of last year when i was incredibly angry/vile around this time leading up to a total breakdown at the beginning of the new year and i wonder if something similar will happen again. i refuse to sit by idly and let it happen, but i also accept that i cannot control everything in my own life. \n\nive been having bad dreams as well and i think it's related. frustrating angry dreams where im yelling or left behind or just other awful things. it really sucks but im not really sure how to deal with it.\n\non to nicer things, ive been listening to the new Earl (\"Some Rap Songs\") and it's fucking dope. im listening to it right now. before this i was listening to Burial's Untrue and there really is something magical about listening to that album in the night. im really digging night shift.",
|
||
"title": "18th December 2018 at 02:53",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181217163823159",
|
||
"created": "20181217155319839"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for hanging out with Jeremy and Henry and cammy. it was a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. i had a great time. ",
|
||
"title": "18th February 2018 at 01:28",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180217143007850",
|
||
"created": "20180217142833667"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for: \n\n* laughing to the point of tears and pain watching jeremy play an awful video game\n* saying goodbye to friends that i had a good time with\n* kanga pops",
|
||
"title": "18th February 2020 at 00:14",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200217131617862",
|
||
"created": "20200217131459253"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "holy fuck im so tired. the one thing i really wanna do tonight is set up a public wallabag instance so let's see if i can get that done. i had more to say about today but i can no longer recall it. I think it may have had to do with Holly. I guess I'm gonna write about her now. So like two days ago or maybe it was last rotation i cant remember she got stuck downstairs because the door to upstairs wasnt working. and so she came to us to ask for help, and basically everybody said she had a crush on me, so i messaged her and it turns out she totally does. yesterday we were on the same bus back home and the whole way back she was laughing at everything i said and then it finally hit me that she did. i guess we'll see where it goes?? she seems cool i guess. \n\nim really bad at telling when girls have a crush on me haha. ",
|
||
"title": "18th January 2019 at 01:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190117142213344",
|
||
"created": "20190117141550582"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Watched the solution to dissatisfaction today and decided to continue gratitude journalling. \n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* The time I got to spend alone\n* Having the energy to clean the house\n* Stretching my coding muscles\n* A good workout\n* Chicken 65 Biryani from Dosa Hut",
|
||
"title": "18th January 2020 at 00:54",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200117135612601",
|
||
"created": "20200117135402848"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i've been spiraling again a bit lately and i think it because what Tanu said. and it's not even her fault because she was just looking out for her but what she said made me feel like an abuser. there's been many times now where talking to Tanu just makes me sad and I wonder if i should even try to engage with her. i mean, i would of course respond if she still wants to talk to me, but maybe it's best for her if i dont message her first? this line of thinking leads me down towards self destructive tendencies and has also brought back the dark sludgy tar ball in my core, and brings back thoughts of bridge burning. i dont know why i feel like i need to burn bridges with my closest friends. im trying to figure out where the desire comes from and what it actually represents and other than rebirth and self destruction i can't come up with any other ideas. i need to book a meeting with a counsellor again to hash out this sorta stuff. another thing i want to talk to erin about is my weed habits. yesterady was the first day in a long time that i didn't smoke up, and today when i got stoned i could really feel the difference, i was so much higher. but it makes me think that i use drugs as a crutch to mask my feelings of inadequacy and being upset.\n\nspeaking of the dark core, i learnt a new move against it today. it's like a slap of light. i picture two hands slapping really hard together sorta made of light and if i really truly believe, it does make a difference and diminishes the size and impact of the darkness. i've also had a few mantras that relate to staying strong and what being strong really is and that also helps me get out of that mind state. it helps that i've been there before so i can still see the light and know that a different outlook is possibel which also makes it heaps easier to deal with. \n\nother things that happened yesterady that aren't as bleak include going on a date with Manya. shes pretty cool, and i enjoy her company and im looking forward to see where it goes. since i'm leaving i feel like i shuoldn't get too invested, but i dont know how to draw the line and if i don't get invested at all what's even the point? so i guess im just in it for the ride. she's sweet and pretty comfortable to be around which are too big factors. im still not that open with her but that'll come with time i suppose. im looking forward to hanging out with her more. i think ill ask her to hang out tomorrow. \n\nalso finally having moved out i'm slowly beginning to pick up momentum again which i really like. it feels good, and i just got my laptop online again yesterady, so i'm gonna see if i can hook up some of the harddrives to it and go from there. i still need to setup my pi, but we're already out of lan ports so i'm looking at getting a wifi-dongle for it, which hopefully should be fine to stream tv/movies from my laptop to. i should really draw a diagram about the flow because i'm still sorta confused about how it should all come together, and i would really like to make it reproducable in some way which ive been trying for ages. \n\ni've also slept more than 12 hours these past two days and i thiink its because ive been feeling bad about the tanu thing but im planning on going to the gym tomorrow during lunch time with aaron so hopefully that's enough incentive to wake up at a raesonable hour having got a reasonable amount of sleep. ",
|
||
"title": "18th July 2019 at 01:38",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190717154916837",
|
||
"created": "20190717153838779"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i spent the large portion of the day climbing and it was really fun. I went camping with Russy, Alexa, Haikal, Azri, Fahran, Sam and Adrienne to Brooyar. Its my first time camping and I really enjoyed it. The stars are so pretty, getting away from technology and the internet has been really good, and i do feel more alive. Climbing has been really fun and I got all the climbs I attempted. I'm really grateful to have met such awesome people, go camping and climbing with them. I do enjoy their company a lot :) ",
|
||
"title": "18th July 2020 at 22:01",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200718120444341",
|
||
"created": "20200718120141575"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've had such a great weekend. russy and jack were staying at jj's place and i just hung out with them a bunch. it was Jeremy's birthday too and we got really drunk and took mdma which was awesome. I really love hanging out with those guys.\n\nit was also saad's birthday and we went to banke and rohits place and smoked sooo much weed. it was kinda silly. but i had fun. and now its really late and I'm tired.\n\ncharly and i started talking again. it seems like we can be friends and it can be not weird. i like the idea of that. I'm hopeful that we can be good friends again. ",
|
||
"title": "18th March 2018 at 04:44",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180317183010652",
|
||
"created": "20180317174408975"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today being the first full day ive had without riya since i met her effectively, has been interesting. ive been thinking about her bothh more and less than i anticipated in a weird way. on one hand im still glad that i got this time away from her, and have been able to reground myself even though the motivation to do all the things i wanted to has been lacking (as it always is). and yet another part of me misses her, wants to send her memes or just say hi. is that something friends do? or lovers? i suppose its what you make of it. i was thinking about messaging her tomorrow (A day early) Because i know thats something she would like, and yet at the same time the thought fills me with a low level dread that i will once again be swept away in the tsunami of her compassion. i suppose ill see how i feel tomorrow and then decide",
|
||
"title": "19th August 2020 at 23:22",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200819132633466",
|
||
"created": "20200819132215821"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "things that went well today:\n\n* folding my clothes \n* taking a shower\n* time alone\n* learning a little more nixOS\n\nthings that did not go well today:\n\n* exercise\n* trying to wake up early\n* dedication to things i want to do\n* wasting food\n\nthings i can do to improve tomorrow:\n\n* go to bed earlier\n* be accountable for early waking\n* better seperation of work and play\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* talking with mum and pa\n* the way my body looks and the improvements ive made\n* the stillness of solitude\n* meditation\n* doing all my laundry \n* my new room layout",
|
||
"title": "19th August 2020 at 23:26",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200819133359152",
|
||
"created": "20200819132637950"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im sitting in the melbourne airport just kinda passing the time chilling in a bar and drinking, futzing around on the internet and it's fun. im having a good time. im in a good mood generally despite being absolutely exhausted since i didnt get much sleep last night im hoping ill be okay on the plane. i haven't been doing as much as would like to lately instead spending heaps of time on masto and just dicking around which is fine for now since it's the holidays rn (??). \n\nive been taken with the idea of doign a project a month next year. there's a lot of projects i wish to underatke and i just dont put in the time i'd lie. i want to statr with small things and work my way up. i already have a bunch of them written down in my wiki so its not lie i''m lackng ideas or anything. im just hoping it'll give me the focus i need. i think i'd start with implementing feedreader for miniflux but we'll see.\n\nim looking forward to bein in India it'll be a nice time even though i wont be there for very long. i'm also gonna be in brisbane for new yeasr now which is sooo fucking dope!!! im so keen. we'll see how it unravels.\n\nanother thing ive been thinking about since mervellies shows up a ton on my tl is the idea of startig a farie ring similar to that, but i still don't know who i'd invite. i think i'd want it to be more of a support ring than a creative collab thingo, but i think i'd dig the latter too. i was thinking of doing it with artifex but i ultimately decided against it because our golas don't align and could cause problems?? idrk. artifex feels weird to me now, it's in this strange middle ground of wanting to do everything but not really accomplishing anything. \n\ni really should cut my nails ahaha. ",
|
||
"title": "19th December 2018 at 19:48",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181219091333928",
|
||
"created": "20181219084845354"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I am grateful for hanging out with the Artifex crew. Even though it was mostly business I enjoy hanging out together. Feels like we're good friends. ",
|
||
"title": "19th February 2018 at 23:31",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180219123316339",
|
||
"created": "20180219123155791"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "since losing my phone my life has been a bit more chaotic than i would like it. compounded by the fact that i dont have internet at home and my laptop isn't set up things are being forgotten a lot. hopefully i'll set up my laptop today, and get some other chores done, and then go meet wibbs for some music",
|
||
"title": "19th February 2019 at 13:54",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190327083910131",
|
||
"created": "20190327083858220"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Climbing! \n* Doing some work once I got home\n* Staying away from my phone (even though it was hard)\n* Having fun with new friends\n* Waking up at a reasonable time at camp\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Being really cold last night (better than the night before)\n* Feeling unprepared for camping\n* Over packing things that I didn't end up using (Laptop! Onyx! Too many clothes!)\n* Too much food that I didn't end up eating\n* Way too much snacking on things that weren't helpful (Popcorn) \n* Having to do sooo much laundry\n* Room is a bit of a mess\n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Create a list of things that are reasonable to take for camping/climbing trips \n* Buy healthier snacks? \n* Get better insulated stuff for camping\n* Do some chores tomorrow\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Climbing\n* Camping\n* The way Russy calls Alexa \"baby\"\n* A quiet ride home listening to a podcast\n* Talking to Riya and my family\n* A warm bed to sleep in\n* Warmth\n* Everything being brief\n* Feeling rejuvenated from camping + climbing\n* A hot shower and feeling clean",
|
||
"title": "19th July 2020 at 22:21",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200719122908872",
|
||
"created": "20200719122103617"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so far ive really enjoyed being in brisbane, even though because of lockdown i haven't been able to leave the house. at least i haven't been going stir crazy. but thats not whats been on my mind\n\nwhats mostly been on my mind is riya and our relationship. we keep getting into arguments (generally over similar topics, and largely stemming from our different beliefs about love) and it appears to me that we both know that this isn't going to work, but neither of us want to be the one to break it off. it's funny how we've flipped roles. normally i am the one that is 'free' and unconcerned with what the future holds, and she is the one that needs conformation of marriage and commitment. but now, i am the one thinking about what the future will hold and she is the one that is free. i'm not really sure what to do, i enjoy her company (for the most part, these arguments are exhausting and beginning to feel like work). this is me mostly venting about the worst parts of our relationship, and as far as worst things go, it ultimately isn't that bad. but with no way to currently meet each other, it makes this difficult. i still believe in our relationship. but its beginning to finally unravel it seems. ",
|
||
"title": "19th June 2020 at 00:29",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200618143527850",
|
||
"created": "20200618142914615"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Ahh, it's been a long couple of days for me. I had one of my assignments due today as well as the presentation for my project. And there was work on top of that so its been a very long day. Asides from those things I guess it was pretty normal. I went to the gym pretty late but finally went back to the gym which felt good, I hadn't been in a while. And as always I miss Parul like crazy. But so it goes. Also JEDI WON SKULLGIRLS at BAM10 which was amazing! I'm so proud of him. I always believed in him. \n\nToday I'm grateful for my focus and ability to get things done. I spent basically all of yesterday doing my assignment and prepping and it wasn't easy and I didn't do my best, but the fact that I got it all done means I can do it. And I'm grateful for my commitment and ability to do that when crunch time comes. ",
|
||
"title": "19th May 2018 at 01:23",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180518152941763",
|
||
"created": "20180518152324872"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was a pretty short day. I only woke up at 3.30pm and then got some food and a coffee. Watched a bunch of Seinfeld, did a very tiny portion of my 3310 assignment and now I'm back in bed again. I'd like to think it was a nice day and getting to sleep that much is always pleasant. I pretty much didn't get to speak to Pearl because she was asleep by the time I woke up and that bothered me. God she's literally always on my mind amd it's driving me crazy not being able to be with her. I really really need to see her and soon. ",
|
||
"title": "19th May 2018 at 23:27",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180519132951730",
|
||
"created": "20180519132746852"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for the 12ish hours of sleep I got. Having fallen behind on my sleep schedule during last week because of assignments and stuff I'm grateful I got to catch up on it today, even if it comes with the slight trade off of not getting to talk to Pearl ",
|
||
"title": "19th May 2018 at 23:29",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180519133052883",
|
||
"created": "20180519132953573"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i just landed in new york a couple hours ago, but ever since i left Atlanta i've had this anxiety i dont know how to deal with. im afraid and alone and very nervous and im not quite sure what to do about it. what am i nervous about? i think being forgotton? i'm not sure. i have/had so much to write about my time in phoenix and atlanta, and the extra day i spent in sf and all these thoughts going on are making me unable to write about it, i need a blanket and to curl up. okay imma try. \n\ni wish i got more time in atlanta and properly make things better with tanushree. she bitched me out a lot but i kinda deserved it and i feel like our relationship got a bit better for it but i dont think it'll change a whole lot. i dont think i communicated very clearly and i was mostly trying to understand her perspective but i kept forgetting things and zoning out. it might also be all the weed ive been smoking lately has just made me even more forgetful (very likely, given how strong it is). \n\nugh i cant really do this right now. i shouldve earlier when i was more anxious but also more awake. now im just anxious and dont have much energy because i spent the last two hours browsing the internet and now i think i just want to sleep. i dont know what would make me feel better but im scared. i dont know what to do. ",
|
||
"title": "19th November 2018 at 01:58",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215941921",
|
||
"created": "20181119065842474"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Ughh, I have so many things to do and I've been in a really sour mood this whole week. Parul told me she's dating someone else which I kinda expected and I feel kinda bummy about it, but I'll be fine, I just need some space. I knew this was coming so no biggie. Or at least that's what I tell myself.\n\nI really didn't want to be alone today but I didn't really have anyone to talk to, since she was the one I spent most my time talking to. I tried to talk to Tanu, but she just arrived in Delhi and was hanging out with her cousins (but what I really want to say is that she hates me so why the fuck would she care) and Yayu who didn't respond which is fairly typical. *sigh* I'll be fine. I think. \n\nBack to all the things I have to do: I have my Doc Anal assignment on Sunday and my Info Theory assignment on Friday. I'll be going to the Artifex meeting around 6 and then meeting Ramee afterwards to work on the info theory assignment. I also have the freelance project I took which hopefully I won't have to cancel. Then I want to see a counsellor tomorrow so I can talk about all this + being depressed lately. I also need to take my bike to get serviced. \n\nDeep breaths. One day at a time. I'll get through this like I always do. I hope. ",
|
||
"title": "19th September 2018 at 16:48",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180919065623856",
|
||
"created": "20180919064813055"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been hanging out heaps with manya lately and its been going well. i like her company for the most part. plus i finally broke my 3+ year dry spell which is nice, but sex also seems totally overrated now. like i enjoy it and its fun and all but i think emotional connections are far far more important to me, and as of yet i dont have a super strong one with manya, though obviously some because i am able to have sex with her. i wonder if this will make it easier for me in the future with other girls but i dont really know yet. i dont see us becoming anything serious (>inb4 future me is looking back on this and laughing out loud) but its really nice to have someone to cuddle and fuck :)",
|
||
"title": "19th September 2019 at 22:23",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190919122532177",
|
||
"created": "20190919122320998"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "omg holy shit, i just had an adventure and a half on the way back from Nupurs party. i was already running late and then the uber i get into ,straight up just tells me I won't make it. after a lil thought i just get out of the uber because ut didn't seem possible.\n\ni stumble back to the party and thank god tanvir and tanika are still there, we're tryna figure out solutions and then Tanika (bless her huge brain) comes up with the brilliant idea to go to the airport! some quick math later and i get in another uber \n\nim freaking out a little and quite the mess, and this uber driver is sent by the universe. he's everything i needed in that moment. he helped me calm down, believed that were would make it and steadied me. then we get into normal uber conversation and a bit of his and my life. casual things, but then we moved on to philosophy and spirituality and just connected like never before. for the first time in memory that ive been able to connect with someone so well and be awe and respectful of how deeply they have met themselves. enrapturing conversation, even if he tended to mumble. we spoke about manifesting the reality you desire amd how the universe gives you what you need. he gave me a card to amorc.org.au\n\ni wonder where this path will lead me",
|
||
"title": "1st December 2019 at 22:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191201115517846",
|
||
"created": "20191201114049774"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "why is new years always so hard for me? ",
|
||
"title": "1st January 2019 at 16:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190101063940876",
|
||
"created": "20190101063928925"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I keep getting baited into playing poker and its getting on my nerves now. we can play for endless amounts and nobody gets to get up until everybody does. it's really frustrating and i dont want to play anymore. \n\ntomorrow im going to tell lalu i found a place. im gong to sign the thing with cammy and gtfo of here.\nive had enough. im so fucking done. ",
|
||
"title": "1st July 2019 at 06:07",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190630200839321",
|
||
"created": "20190630200741865"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i cant sleep because i keep thinking about chutney and my old friends and minnie. i think i should get over her because honesty and being into her wouldnt be enough, im leaving anyway and her tangential proximity to the group makes it basically a no go and the healthy thing to do would be to move on knowing it would be for the best.\n\nit sucks because im a romantic at heart and i do want to spend more time with her, but its just not going to happen so i should get over it. ",
|
||
"title": "1st March 2020 at 23:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200301124247246",
|
||
"created": "20200301123934644"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today is the beginning of godmode may. I'm ready to be a god. The requirements to pass are nofap, read a book, go to the gym 4/7 days, meditate daily, write in this journal, go to all my uni classes except one per week, make my bed 6/7 days, have an hour of creative time a week and dont smoke any weed. Most of these are already things I do, and will just be committing to doing them with more frequency or continuing to do them. The one I imagine will be hardest is nofap. I don't think I've ever done more than 2 weeks nofap and so committing to a whole month is going to be very difficult. But inspite of these difficutlties I will perservere. That's what it means to better myself. That's what it means to be a [GOD]. I'm actually pumped about this. I can do it. I can definitely do it.\n\nTanvir also came over today and we just talked and hung out for a while. He also told me he's gonna be homeless come Thursday so I offered to let him stay with me instead. He said he probably won't be sleeping here much anyway but needs a home base, which I'm totally cool with. Plus he said he'll bring an air mattress so it's totally fine. I was a little nervous offering him to stay here because idk how long he'll be here and I really like to be alone when I can be, so it's a tradeoff. But he's a really good friend of mine and if I didn't offer him a place to stay what kind of friend does that make me? so it's good that he'll have a place to stay, and besides I do get lonely a ton and it'll be nice to have him around. I'll still push him to house hunt and shit so I don't think he'll be around forever. ",
|
||
"title": "1st May 2018 at 23:14",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180501133033115",
|
||
"created": "20180501131415865"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": " I'm really grateful that I have friends that push me to be a better person. It really makes such a difference when there is a group you can be held accountable to and the expectation of success. Striving for greatness amongst a cohort of others looking to do the same is a very powerful motivator. it's something I didn't really understand until recently. ",
|
||
"title": "1st May 2018 at 23:30",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180501133308272",
|
||
"created": "20180501133035092"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "And so another God Mode May begins. My goals seem achieveable if a little difficult which is the point and I think the hardest one will be eating vegetarian. So far so good, but we'll see what the future holds. \n\nIn other news, I'm really getting fed up with my current living situation. The house is constantly a mess, I never get to spend time by myself, and Anshul has become more annoying lately. I'm thinking about moving out but I'd need to find some place and fast with finals approaching which is kinda my concern. I have hardly been studying at all so far this semester and we're already in week 7. I want to learn and grow and stuff. \n\nI've also been playing so much poker which is fun but it's really hard to get up once I sit at the table, which is kinda the point I suppose. After going to sydney (wow I totally forgot I didn't write about that maybe I should, though I guess that's what I'm doing right now) Aaron taught me how to play a little bit, but I'm still bad at following the strategy (raise or fold) and knowing when to push my advantage and when to sit out (I still keep making really bad calls) but it's been fun and mostly I've been winning (after the training) so I dont mind. It is a good way to pass the time I suppose, but i was just complaining about not having time in the previous paragraph ",
|
||
"title": "1st May 2019 at 23:37",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190501134335303",
|
||
"created": "20190501133723896"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today is a public holiday, but i've had a great weekend. yesterday I had Logan's birthday to attend which was nice chill games sesh mostly. then after that caitlin picked me up and we went to cammy's place for a fun game of boardgames and booze. it was delightful. it was me, jj, cammy, caitlin, clare, henry, and ricky. we mostly played coup and resistance. resistance got very heated again as usual, mostly between me and jj but i had a lot of fun and i think jj did as well. however in the final game i was the one calling all the shots and fucked up on jonathon and clare. i thought clare was good but jonathon was the good guy! i came so close to orchestrating the whole thing from the ground up, i felt so powerful throughout the course of that game, since i had elected myself in charge and nobody really contested me meaningfully. social deduction games are so good. i had a very strong read on jj from the get go. clare swindled me though. there was also lots of hugs after each game so we felt better and i really liked that because i do get intense and really wanted hugs anyway. after most the rest of the squad left since it was getting late, it was just me ricky cammy and caitlin. we were up pretty late chatting about things and drinking and playing pool (though we never really finished the game) and i really needed that i think. i felt pretty good in the morning which was surprising, but i did take a nap later in the day. it was really fun talking about cammy and caitlins relationships and romance in general. i really do love talking to people. i wish i was better about it.\n\nthe internet guy is coming tomorrow and i really want my internet fixed. i didnt do any of the productive things i thought i would without internet and it really kept me glued to my phone instead. it seems that going internet-less isn't the solution and i should write a blog about this maybe, preferably sooner than later so i have the experience fresh in my mind. \n\noverall, i'm left in a good mood and feel pleased. i don't have that much uni work that is immently due, and need to plan my america trip if its gonna happen so there are some things coming up, but ultimately im optimistic about the near future. ",
|
||
"title": "1st October 2018 at 22:06",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181001121514744",
|
||
"created": "20181001120659391"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i ordered a fx tec pro 1 and its exactly for moments like this where i have a lot to write but want to do so in bed because box and curve are very distracting. im very excited for it\n\nyesterday there was a sesh at my place (biggest ine yet i think, me saad, tanvir, manya, daniel and tanika) and me and manya made out at the end of the night and she stayed the night but we didnt have sex. i think thats fine and it was nice cuddling. think i still need a bit more time\n\ni also have a 40% essay due tomorrow that i have barely started so im going to bed now (v tired) and hopefully get it done tomorrow ",
|
||
"title": "1st September 2019 at 00:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190831140924291",
|
||
"created": "20190831140454287"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i thought i wanted to go to sleep early but what i actually wanted to do was spend time on my computer. im coalesing a lot of things that were seperate in scratch/vimwiki (i really wanna rename it to memex or something or give it an actual name, puralek -- no not quite but kinda) \n\nstill plugging away at things. i realized that i totally forgot about my seedbox on my wiki fill but i dont know what to call it. ",
|
||
"title": "20th April 2019 at 04:16",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190419185321268",
|
||
"created": "20190419181657080"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Went bouldering again today and really enjoyed it. Certainly could become a new hobby for me. ",
|
||
"title": "20th August 2018 at 23:11",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180820131157210",
|
||
"created": "20180820131136972"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i made friends at climbing but i felt bad about not saying goodbye to them. i thought it was the human thing to do, but only after i walked out. i hesitated too much when i couldve said bye, even though i knew it was the right thing to do. i should trust my instincts more",
|
||
"title": "20th August 2020 at 08:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200819222001853",
|
||
"created": "20200819221803992"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i made a friend on the flight to singapore :)\nher name is Aanjali. She's way older than me and is a tech consultant in melbourne. it was nice connecting with someone. we talked about a bunch of stuff and it turns out she's on my flight to bangalore too. in fact i can see her rn in the line to get into the gate, which im sitting outside of. \n\nmaking friends is awesome. ",
|
||
"title": "20th December 2018 at 11:25",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181220002715115",
|
||
"created": "20181220002521821"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm finally back in canberra and I got a lil gift for myself! My pebble arrived! It's been fun to play with so far, i got some of the things running on it, like a cool watch face, a pomodoro timer, and... that's it really. i guess notifications and calendar is cool. I want to get task warrior working on it, and somehow get the apps to sync my pomodoro counts and maybe use tasker to trigger it on my phone too?? that would be interesting. I'd like to start trying to hit 12 pomodoros a day for studying/practicing/building. in doing so, the starting pomodoro would be for thinking everything out, and so for that i would like to be able to write out all the things i want to do and an associated time?? i may or may not need a time? depending on how well the integration goes. i think that would be a fun project to hack on. i have so many projects to hack on. now that im finally back home, I *really* need to get a vpn setup so that i can access all my local stuff from away, because I plan to be away often and I don't want to get jammed like I did with my website on this trip. There's a lot of bending of computing that i wish to accomplish. let us see how it happens, i have faith in myself. ",
|
||
"title": "20th December 2019 at 02:56",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191219161849802",
|
||
"created": "20191219155604982"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I am grateful for:\n\n* laughing a lot with my friends at Documental\n* beating someone (Haikal) who used to be better at me than melee\n* playful beef with Gerd\n* climbing \n* reconnecting with old friends in a way i havent in a longlong time",
|
||
"title": "20th February 2020 at 00:55",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200219145658224",
|
||
"created": "20200219145506041"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been feeling a little better today. ive been hanging out on ssb more and engaging mindfully with the content there which i much prefer to the unending torrent of toots from masto. it's been really good and im really digging it. let's see how it goes. \n\nive also been doodling a ton at work which has been really relaxing for me. i had forgotten how much i enjoyed doodling and it's been really great for me. i need to do more things for me as a self care measure rather than just a thing i want to do. its hard to recognize the difference sometimes. ",
|
||
"title": "20th January 2019 at 04:49",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190119175226561",
|
||
"created": "20190119174900392"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "On the bus to Sydney right now to neet Abhi and Im sitting next to Christina and we got to talking a bit. She's lived in so many different places and is studying to be in the army and manage a task force. Her perspective is so different from mine and in a way she's the total opposite of me. in the way she's all about action and not so much about thinking. She went to Tanzania to help school children as part of her medic course I love meeting people with a different perspective than mine, i feel like i could learn a lot from meeting new people and im grateful to have the opportunity to do that.",
|
||
"title": "20th July 2018 at 20:30",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180817032930887",
|
||
"created": "20180817032907096"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today I'm grateful for Roger's kindness with regards to my lack of updates on my research project. He absolutely couldve destroyed me for being shit at communicating, but he was kind and it made a difference ",
|
||
"title": "20th March 2018 at 23:33",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180320123407329",
|
||
"created": "20180320123320095"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm quite sad rn. im just really lonely and it's continuing to take its toll on me. I havent really made any new good friends in a long time. i dont really hang out with any girls even as friends. while i do enjoy the company of the friends i have made they are all part of this group and i want to expand beyond that. whether it be brown squad, artifex or ex melee friends they all seem kinda similar in a way and it feels odd? I'm not sure how to describe it. it's as though their similarities makes them less valuable? idk, maybe I'm just full of shit and all i want are friends that are girls. actually i think i want more than that. i crave companionship. ",
|
||
"title": "20th March 2018 at 23:34",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180320123655252",
|
||
"created": "20180320123416721"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "doing all this ish and all these jounral conflicts i gotta fix, but no time to write about it. gotta sleep cuz so much more to see in the morning. \n\ntrust the process. flourish in chaos. find yourself. \n\nthe reboot is well under way. it's looking quite sucsuccessful. not that i wont have to deal with old bugs, but more in that i feel strong enough to protect myself. i believe. ",
|
||
"title": "20th November 2018 at 02:30",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215950692",
|
||
"created": "20181120073000172"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I actually had good dreams. I had two but I'm struggling to remember the second one at this point. \nThe first one included Holly, and we were chatting on Telegram and playing some sort of social deduction game over telegram too with a bunch of other people. I remember there being bright colors for our avatars and we didnt know who each other person was, but then I figured out who Holly was, and I was the bad guy and I managed to convince them and I won?? Something like that, it was fun and light hearted and up beat and generally enjoyable. \n\nThe other one was also fun but I can't really remember it at all. Oh well.",
|
||
"title": "21st January 2019 at 16:50",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190121055604828",
|
||
"created": "20190121055042476"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "So yesterday I forgot to invite Chtl to my hair dying thing, mostly because I felt bad constantly asking her for help, but then she felt dogshotted by the lack of invite. Which is totally fair, even if I didn't invite her for help I should've invited her to the sesh. So I feel kinda bad about that, but I'm trying to make it up to her by doing the hair dying next stage on Friday with her around. It's taught me to be more aware of how my own negative bias can impact someone in a way I thought I was saving them from. \n\nI also vaped a lil weed and bought some again for the first time in a long time. I actually had a really enjoyable time, both with my uber driver and when talking to Riya. At first I was scared of talking to her when I was stoned, but I mustered up the courage to just call her because I realized the only thing that was making me worried about talking to her was being stoned and there was no reason to let that get in the way of what I wanted (talking to her). It turns out we had a really great conversation, and were able to talk about things in a way we generally aren't. Our communication was a lot better, because even though we were discussing difficult topics (for us generally) I was easily able to circumnavigate the tenous parts of the conversation since I found it easier to detach from things that would otherwise make me very \"passionate\" and taclk calmly and explain my perspective and better understand her perspective. \n\nWhen I was stoned, after she fell asleep and as I was falling asleep, I had some really interesting ideas. There was one constantly about \"mapping\" out my thoughts and I remember drawing a trail of the thoughts I was having and really wish I could save them by having some sort of brain implant (I can't remember them now! I really wish I could, I thought I had some interesting insights about my own life which I was previously not privy to), which led me to thinking about what the world would look like when people get brain implants, and that led me to wanting to write a design article at first, but it turned into a story. A story about how there are three kinds of homosapiens now \"Enhanced, Lesser and Vanilla/Default\" and there's also hiveminds but those aren't considered human. How the enhanced basically run the world and are super powerful, but most people can't handle it or don't go about it in the right way and end up joining a hive mind or killing themselves, and the enhanced have no time or care for those that aren't. The lesser facilitate movement of information between all three groups since they are part of all three worlds (this would be the perspective the story is set from), and the defaults look at the rest of the homospaiens with disgust and hold on to their purity. I wanted to make this story intersectional in some way, rather than just about class, but I'm still thinking on how to do that. It's times like those I really wish I had a phone with a keyboard and be able to type on it without looking, just to be able to jot down my points without truly waking up. Maybe I should go back to keeping a notebook and paper near my desk (perhaps the onyx could do this too?) to write down night thoughts. ",
|
||
"title": "21st July 2020 at 09:14",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200720233056593",
|
||
"created": "20200720231430320"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Chores\n* Dominating Debs roommate when she came to pack up her stuff\n* Finishing all my fried rice\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Work\n* Free time utilization\n* Creative energies\n* Fighting with Riya\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Commit to pomodoro\n* Work in a seperate space to fun spaces (ie The Edge)\n* Try not to be so sensitive about passing comments\n * If you do feel sensitive, say so instead of becoming condescending\n* Spend more time in places that foster my creativity (online and in person)\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Playing with Tofu (Deb's dog)\n* Hanging out with my friends\n* Lots of free time\n* My hair being less purple and more gray\n* Morning work out\n* Catching up on other slacks",
|
||
"type": "",
|
||
"title": "21st July 2020 at 22:42",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200723125815032",
|
||
"created": "20200721124252461"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Tosay I'm really grateful and my friends in Queensland and Smansion in particular since i no longer live in a share house getting to be in that environment again makes me a little nostalgic for the time i was. I'm also really grateful for my friends there and getting away for a while and having somewhere to go and people to hang out with you like me. Even though we mostly just sat around a lot it was pleasant ",
|
||
"title": "21st June 2018 at 23:02",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180623154240215",
|
||
"created": "20180621130220743"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "tryna get back on this reflection train but i got work tomorrow so this gonna be quick \nim probs moving out very soon, me and cammy are gonna be seeing houses on saturday! so thats exciting \nbut on the down side today i had a date with Amy that didnt materialize. i like that girl but she's been a bit of a mess lately. i dont mind cutting her some slack though, since im perpetually running late too, so yeah \ni also did a few chores today, but like this constant hanging out is annoying. i always go to sleep wanting to move out\n\ntoday i installed paperWM and i love it. i think this might be it, great gnome additions plus tilingWM benefits. im looking at switcher as well and then dreaming about a nix config that makes everything work together. make my computing robust. - thats a blog post\n\ni actually almost hit all the things i wanted for today! thats exciting too, ive been hella unproductive mostly. i think this system is good:\n* 3 TW\n* 2 Habits \n* Reflection\n\nokay goodnight ",
|
||
"title": "21st June 2019 at 01:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190620153728820",
|
||
"created": "20190620152451693"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've also been thinking more about this data pipeline and i want to write down some thoughts. it's more like a well, where youyou can define sources and flows and finally presentation (which is kinda whats appealing about it) kinda like indieweb but for reading\n\nsources\n\n* email\n\n* rss \n\n* random links\n\nflows\n\n* wallabag\n* shaarli\n* \"favourites\" \n\ni think it sorta ties into newpage",
|
||
"title": "21st June 2019 at 01:45",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190620154843439",
|
||
"created": "20190620154553461"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i cant sleep again even though ive been tired all day so i decided to come outside and write down things here. im not really sure what i have to say and im very tired so i cant really remember much of the past couple of days so i guess im just gonna free write this bitch. i was originally going to write in my blog and update it , but i remembered that so much shit on my desktop is broken the blog being one of them. and then i thought id take my laptop outand use it in bed but thats a bad idea for trying to go to sleep so im not gonna do that either. i was thinking of making some music but i chose this instead for some reason. my wrists have really been hurting again lately and my brace is v smelly so i haven't worn it much lately or even applied the cream which is bad and also haven't been to the physio so.... yeah. \n\ni really want to spend more time alone as im getting very exausted hanging out with my friends all the time constantly but i dont know where i can go to be alone and by myself. which is v annoying tbh. i just want a quiet room to myself with my desktop so i can mess around with it and fix it, or for my laptop or for reading but i dont have anywhere like that and its very annoying. \n\nive also been hanging out with Anushka Kumar a lot lately and i guess its alright, she keeps making fun of me for being bi and calling me gay and shit and thats kinda annoying but like w/e, but she's also become much more tactical about telling me shit and the way she behaves but i feel like i shouldve expected that given the way i was with her so maybe it'll change in the next few days or its just me and my perception of her has been shaded. idk, today she told me about the reason she broke up with her ex and it was because she kissed some other guy and that kinda cheesed me the way she kinda brought it up but maybe it was hard for her and i should give her the benefit of the doubt.\n\nive also been thinking about that fucking junkie i gave 50 dollars to because apparently his wife was in an accident and how im such a fucking ruse and he was totally fucking full of it. im really mad about that and that i fell for it and its really fucking bothering me but idk what to do about it. i knew his story didnt add up but i just let it slide anyway because im a retard. ughhhhhhh. i wanna be stronger and hold my ground more. \n\nive also been browsing mastodon a bit lately because im so sick of scrolling hn and i keep forgetting to update my feeds on freshrss (i should really move to feedbin already) so i have nothing to scroll and scrolling is a fucking hard habit to kill. especially since i havent been using my computers as much. but i realized i dont really like that space much anymore so im gonna see what ssb is up to, though i havent checked up there in a long time. i think im going to replace hn with ssb on my phone screen. its very hard to break into that circle because everyone seems very tightly knit and engaging takes a lot of effort, but also because you have to come up with something novel to say. \n\nive been trying to fall asleep since 11.30pm and its really fucking annoying how my insomnia is back and im mad. i wonder if i can get prescribed medicine to help me fall asleep here, that would probably be helpful. not being able to sleep is ruining my life. im gonna go check up on my wiki (another thing that is broken, vim) to note down all the stuff i have to fix about box. ",
|
||
"title": "21st March 2019 at 02:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190320152705558",
|
||
"created": "20190320151545352"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "and now im done writing and still not tired in the way i imagine i would be if i were to fall asleep, but with nothing left to do I suppose i might as well try again, hopefully this time i'll be more successful. ",
|
||
"title": "21st March 2019 at 02:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190320154118366",
|
||
"created": "20190320154050033"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Ugh, today has been a long day. I didnt want to get out of bed in the morning because I knew it was gonna be a long day. But eventually I did get out, but I didn't start working until almost 2pm. I was watching BAM in the morning and talking to Pearl. I swear half our conversations now are about how much we miss each other and want to kiss each other and inviting each other over. It's ridiculous. *sigh* oh well.\n\nhmm, asides from that i went to the gym. I'm working through my assignment, but didn't get as much done as I wouldve liked but its late and I have work tomorrow so I'll do it tomorrow. I was also supposed to book flights today but that didn't happen. I'm getting really sick of eating out and am looking at ordering groceries so i can cook because i dont think ill get to go and pick them out. I also spoke with Ma and Pa today and that was pretty pleasant. I like talking to them. Ooh, i also finished s5 of Seinfeld and its soooo good. the final episode George finally turns his life around by doing the opposite of what he thinks and its the best oh my god. ",
|
||
"title": "21st May 2018 at 00:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180520144632050",
|
||
"created": "20180520144015751"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I woke up really tired obviously because I went to bed really late last night. I remember dreaming about trying to snooze the alarm and was wondering why it wasn't turning off and then I woke up and realized I was dreaming and snoozed it for real. I way over slept tbh and only got up around 7.40 which is super late. I ended up being a whole 20 minutes late to work and had to skip breakfast at home and grabbed a sausage roll and a pie from The Brothers Oven. After my coffee I felt a lot better and was defs buzzing from it. I'm turning into a person that needs coffee on the daily. I'm dont really like that but I guess I do enjoy coffe a lot now. Probably because of the mood improvements. I tell myself that at least I'm taking L-Theanine with it to mitigate the bad things, but it doesn't really help with the addictiveness of it. Oh well. Work today was actually pretty hectic and I'm still stressing about all the work I have to do. I'm getting through it and I dont feel helpless, but it still is a lot and it's gonna be hard to to get through it all. For work there was a bunch of high utilisation stuff that Warick wanted me and Alex to document. Warick is really nice to me and he's always suoer thankful for all the work I do. It's really sweet. I like Warick. And I like having meaningful work to do. Most the stuff I do just feels pointless, so having something to do that actually matters makes it feel better. I'm done with work now and I picked up my pants so that's good. I don't think I'll get to the post office before it closes but that's fine, I'll just pick up the razor tomorrow. Other things I still have to do include the security clearance stuff, Artifex meeting, and then go to the gym. Ideally I'd like to finish my COMP3310 assignment today too so I can focus on getting my report for the research project for the rest of the week. And then after that is the bio inspired one. But I'm nearly at the end. I'm not gonna give up now.\n\nAnd as always I gotta mention Parul here. She sent me a really hot photo of her in just her bra and even though it's not that explicit she looks sooooo hot. I really don't understand how I'm this attracted to her after all this time. it's kinda crazy. But she's really so sexy. I hope if there's one thing I can help her with it's to realise that and be more confident. She's always blaming herself for things and putting herself down and it makes me really sad. I want her to realise just how hot she is and be more confident and to love herself the way she loves everyone else. \nAlso related, but we finally spoke about how she has been in love with me for a long time. I'm not suspicious of her motives anymore, they were never anything but pure and i was being stupid to question that. It's also funny because she only realised that she was in love with me during the office amd she thought of the time before (when we were really sexually frustrated) as different to afterwards. It's funny because I made allusions to a Jim and Pam friend couple i knew but i was referencing us but she didn't realise, though i did end up telling her. It's funny to me because I conflated being really attracted to her with being in love with her (which is basically the case for me, I can't have one without the other) to her side and knew that she loved me before she did. God I love her. I really hope she comes to visit. I'm trying not to be upset if she doesn't but I think it'd really hurt. ",
|
||
"title": "21st May 2018 at 17:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180521072657181",
|
||
"created": "20180521070446437"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Missed connections:\n\n* Charly\n* Parul\n* Woddley - Portland\n* Pranav Sriram - South Bay\n* Sachi - South Bay\n* Mihika - Boston\n* Chirag - NYC\n* Aashli - NYC\n* Rohit - LA\n* Sidd - LA\n",
|
||
"title": "21st November 2018 at 09:02",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181124041750896",
|
||
"created": "20181120220249159"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im already on the bus back to nyc i was gone as soon as i came to boston. im so glad i did. spending even the little time with both priya and divya was amazing and especially divya was super moved, it seemed like a big deal to meet her again, and seeing her was amazing. she immediately grasped that this was a mission and plan for me, something of a quest which was really cool. but much like with when i was with tanushree i didnt have enough time to totally catch up and get everything settled. it was just hello, unfortunately. it was such a wild ride trying to meet divya. i already slept in an hour which led to being late, and then had to ride a train to see her but eventually we finally met and it was awesome. it felt like no time had passed. thats kinda how it felt with everyone. \n\nwith priya i just chilled and smoked sooo much fucking weed. it was ridiculous amounts of weed for 2 people to smoke in 1 night. but it was lots of fun and chill, which i enjoyed. we orded really yummy thai food and she covered like everything. \n\ni can sense my journey coming to it's end. its making me slightly nervous getting back to the grind, but im also a little relieved. ive been running a sprint these past few weeks and harnessing chaos to it's maximum, but that requires a lot of energy. as always its a dual edged sword, tohugh one side is a lot sharper ahaha.",
|
||
"title": "21st November 2018 at 14:45",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181121194940025",
|
||
"created": "20181121192614031"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm on the bus to boston right now and i decided to write something since i have time and am not yet super sleepy (even though i took half a gummy when i got on the bus and i think its been 2 hours-ish now but im still not high, but i might also not be able to feel it since i've been sitting here for all that time). listening to jai paul and jamming out. i'm wondering where to begin it's already kinda difficult for me to piece together this trip ahaha. yesterday i met swetha for the first time in maybe 3 or 4 years and it was tons of fun, we got drinks at a bunch of different locations and eventually tuneer joined us and we went home together. then me and tun chatted until quite late and were smoking a bit and it was great. i opened up to him about parul and that was kinda nice, since there's been literally nobody else ive spoken to that about. i also recapped my wild adventures on the extra day i stayed in san francisco. man, that day was wild, i dont think i have it written here. so after been out drinking with Dhvani and then going to her friends place where she was warming up to me a lot but i wasnt down. so i just chilled and ranted about dumb tech shit to her and her friend a ton. it was fun. but yeah, i went back to sam's place and shaurya threw a party that was going off. and over there i met a cute girl named Sheela and we hit it off really quick. and then we made out a bunch but the party was starting to die down, since people were going out or to other parties. so me sheela, her friend and some other rando from the party went to some other after party. that after party was at this huge loft and they had DMT there!! so i did some even though i was high and drunk which was fucking wild. im pretty sure i broke through because i remember speaking to this entity that was very difficult to describe but mostly circular and red-orange-glow that changed constantly. i kept asking it questions and it was always at least 3 steps ahead of me and consistently managed to break the wall or be meta or something until at the very end it said something along the lines of \"yeah, welcome!!\" and that was my peak and i started coming down. i'm so glad i got to try it though it was amazing. on the way down it does have very similar vibes to acid ending and that always trips me up. but after a bit it was gone and i was back to hooking up with Sheela. it was a wild night. \n\nthen the next morning i flew to phoenix to meet kartik which was really cool and we rode around on birds and got drinks and hung out. and then the day after that i flew into atlanta to see Tanushree which i'm also super glad I ended up doing because it kinda patched our relationship up a little bit. i wish i got more time with her because we didnt get to hash it all out and she was mad at me about not staying for very long. but we all learn from our mistakes and next time i wont be afraid to ask her about it. and then i came to nyc. holy crap what a mad trip!! its still going. \n\nbefore i got on the bus this afternoon i was hanging out with ankitha, since we got lunch together and holy crap she's awesome. always has been a go-getter, but we talked a lot about tons of stuff and i liked hanging out with her. im really glad i got to see her. ",
|
||
"title": "21st November 2018 at 16:30",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120220235206",
|
||
"created": "20181120213052186"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i'm on the flight to HK rn after seoul in Korea \n\ni'm sad in a way i dont know how to put into words. travelling is painful when you go to see your friends. i've been banging out \"San Francisco\" by galactica on repeat while at the airport because it reminds me of the last time i went travelling and speaks volumes to my time in SF. and that reminds me of my time here in Seoul with Charly and Chan and all my hostel buddies. i'm sad to leave and have to go back, i love travelling. even still i don't know if i could do it full time. maybe i could adapt, but the pain of leaving would make me sad. i wish i knew how to express what im feeling better so i could sotp feeling quite so intensly, but so it goes. i'm tearing up and i cant even explain why. \n\nbefore i forget i wanted to mention Lisa once. she was a lovely (Charly kept pointing out my use of the word) Austrian girl working at the bar. She was so sweet and cute and her smile waas so warm. i want to mention Johanes who is the first dick i sucked, and was also a lovely (there it is again) human being im glad to have met. I also met Tae Woo again after school!! he travelled like 2 hours to see me which was so kind. \n\ni wish travelling wasn't so painful. i wish i didn't have to leave my friends. i wish the world wasn't so big. ",
|
||
"title": "21st November 2019 at 21:41",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130095234251",
|
||
"created": "20200130095227538"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Ive been having strange dreams in India lately. The last one was during a nap I took today in the mid afternoon. Ostensibly me and poopz (I think poonam was there too) were going to school in a flying car. Bangalore was heavily rained over so the only way to traverse was a flying car and so we set out, this may have had something to do with the fact that it was raining when I took my nap. I can clearly recall leaving our old BTM house in a car that was less than a meter off the ground and poopz was driving. she was driving very rashly and very fast and though at times the exhiliration was enjoyable it was mostly terrifying. it seemed as though it was a long time ago because rather than the bulit up bangalore i am more familiar with it was the old green forest-ed bangalore of my youth. we almost crashed on multiple occasions, usuallly into other cars and other motorcycles (of which only one other was flying) but she managed to maneovur around them all in the nick of time. this was getting on my nerves and i told her to drive slower but that just made her go faster. eventually, when we were almost at school we spun out and crashed into a wall and then i awoke.\n\nanother one i had was when we went to forum. the one in koromangala. it was me mum and poopz again, and we came in through a strange entrance and had to find a secret passage to actually get into the mall. once we did mum gave us both some money and told us to meet her at a certain place in a few hours. for some reason basically all the stores i went into were game stores and the mall at large seemed to be abandoned for the most part except the shop clerks. i was looking around for switch games but i couldnt find any. eventually i found a shop where the clerk recognized me and i was very surprised by this, and then eventually everyone starting recognizing me and this was both scary but also wholesome. eventually i got used to it and continued roaming around. i go back to the first shop where the clerk knew me and he tells me i used to come all the time and that he was glad i finally had returned. i told him i was looking for games and he decided to recommend me one, it was battlefield 4 (some sort of special edition by the looks of things) and he said id really enjoy it. i thanked him for the recomendation but said i didnt have a ps4 only a switch and he looked sad but accepting. i told him i was hungry and he directed me to a food court where he told me others were waiting to see me again. i get to the food court and nobody seems to recognize me until one man approaches me very warmly and welcomes me back to forum. the food court looks more like a old shaadi place with a buffet of very large bowls filled mostly with different sorts of chicken and people sitting on the floor. he grabs me a plate and tells to help myself to how much ever i would like. just as im about to eat i wake up.\ni think this dream happened because me and manya went to the mandalay bus and stewey rememebered my name and then she kept bringing up how everyone knew me which i believe is why everyone in my dream recognized me. ",
|
||
"title": "21st September 2019 at 21:30",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190921114141485",
|
||
"created": "20190921113040371"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today marked a special day. it's been delightful and strange and fun and warped and feels like a change in perception. today marks many ends and so also new beginnings. im constantly in a state of rebirth. I think its a wonderful thing\n\nbut right now im too high and focused on anxiety thoughts and this is what im stopping. no more. none.\n\nso i look forward to the future and reaching out and taking it. i know its within my grasp. theres a lot of work to get there though. i will do it. I'm getting melodramatic \n\nthere was moky in philosophy class and also indian studies which i enjoyed and then studying computer graphics. i really do enjoy learning\n\nthe shower was too much goodnight ",
|
||
"title": "22nd August 2019 at 22:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190822130202704",
|
||
"created": "20190822123935174"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm a bit better now\n\nI've been questioning my sexuality a lot, and explaining it to different people in my life (common stoner anxiety) and it really didnt go well.\n\ni dont know what to do about this",
|
||
"title": "22nd August 2019 at 23:02",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190822130616036",
|
||
"created": "20190822130205653"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I had the wildest dream I think i've ever had and i just had to write about it.\nI'm trying to remember ho it started because the twists and turns it ended up taking were unbelievable. \nI think it started with a party. an uncle/aunty party with mum and poopz. we were just hanging out and drinking and it just sorta set the scene of the party and made it seem believable? I remember I had both the phones that I had been carrying around when I met them. somewhere along the line I went into a basement and found Wibbles with an army of other people (for the basement this meant like 10 others) tryinng to create fake books to sell to the library. like ultra rare books that didnt exist otherwise being sold to the library because we made them for lots and lots of money. so I decided to help them as much as I could, because creating fake books sounds like a fun thing to do. basically what wibbles asked me to do was smash our fake book with this real old book such that it would begin to resemble the old one. there was one area in particular (the binding) that needed to not look totally fake (because it had blue streaks across it which were obviously done up) after many hours of doing this and seeing other people do equally boring tasks i was beginning to give up, when it worked! so then next for some reason I had to hack into the library, go there and make sure that the sale would happen. this is when things got a bit scary. there were tons of flashing lights and huge screens everywhere that i didnt quite understand and at some point i was transported to the actual location of the library where everythnig was pink and flashing and ominous (and i was getting really anxious) and i ws running out of time and so i did my best by basically smashing all the keys and then leaving. I took the elevator down to find myself in a totally foreign location with low battery on both of my phones and unable to book an ola or know where to go. \nluckily then after frantically strolling around hoping for the best, i run into a bunch of people from tisb at some sort of late night party, and they were by chance staying in the dorms there? there were tons of old faces that I didn't totally recognize but knew kinda well enough that i was just saying hi to random people. i was also really anxious at this point because for some reason i was thinking about work tomorrow (like rn im on the way to work) and was worried about how to get back until eventually i realized it was imossible to get back on time and just decided to liev with it. i thoght i saw sarayu but she was walking away and i decieded to go inside because i wasnt as fucked up as everyone else (who were probably doing md and drinking)\nand once inside again the atmosphere totally changed. one of my teachers was holding some sort of party but just behind the wall and all i could see was her with a cake seeming somewhat melancholy. i left her since she was behind the wall anyway and continued exploringn the dorms when Tejas comes out of his room wearing this hi-tech VR gear and i see kartik inside playing some other game, so i decide to chill with him. he was playing a p cool looking game so i sat down and watched him until my alarm went off.\n\nwriting it all out it doesnt seem that wild, but actually expierencing it was a roller coaster of emotions and kinda reflective of my mentl state rn. i feel anxious and unworthy a lot and it was really reflected in the dreams. ",
|
||
"title": "22nd February 2019 at 07:34",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190327083929230",
|
||
"created": "20190327083920283"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "lately i've been feeling hit or miss. sorta overwhelmed by my decision. like im in free fall. im scared that my friends here will decide to drop me or something with my housing arrangement will go wrong and that last semblance of safety will disappear. i keep having nightmares about it. but i trust and believe my friends and i just have to keep believing that. \n\nalso things with riya keep entering this tumultuous zone between not wanting it to work out and arguing about our differences on love and stuff. but i really do want it to work. i think it's beginning to settle in that i'm going to have to get married eventually and if thats the case i can't see a reason why it shouldn't be riya. she's really good for me and i really like who i become when im with her. but at the same time i still keep fighting internal demons about not wanting to settle down and not being done with my fucking around. and yet, even now as i write this i sorta feel like i'm done with it? like i do want to settle down? i dont know, i havent totally cartographed this region of my psyche. i'm working on it. ",
|
||
"title": "22nd June 2020 at 23:41",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200622134642337",
|
||
"created": "20200622134126487"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i'm grateful for:\n\n* jack coming over and working out with me\n* into the breach being a fun game that i'm enjoying\n* tuna melts\n* cookies (but also sorta not? they're dangerous)",
|
||
"title": "22nd June 2020 at 23:47",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200622134819487",
|
||
"created": "20200622134710616"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I was watching a video today about Casey Neistat's youtube following and what he gets right and I really like the idea of having a narrative to each day. I feel like even with my jounal I often just recount the days events (and even then not very well) and I would like to learn to tell stories or improve my story telling skills here. \n\nI woke up really really tired because I was up late working on my assignment which I totally didn't need to do, so yeah. I woke up to my alarm around 7 but just went back to sleep. I stayed in bed for about 2 hours and then went to CSIT for what I thought would be the replacement lab I could attend. It turend out that the lab was actually at 1pm so I just did the lab work during that hour and managed to finish it all, and then got some food and coffee and came back home. I should've submitted my assignment then but I dicked around instead so I just went to the data mining class. After 2 hours there I did go get the photo copies I needed and then went home and submitted my report. I didnt check if I published correctly but I can't imagine it went wrong so whatever. It's over now anyway. On the way home I got a poke bowl but I was super tired and thinking of just eating it later, but I ended up eating it then and then I was less tired, so I watched some youtube videos (mostly Joe Rogan, he's awesome) instead and then ended up taking a nap because I was still tired and didnt want to start my report. After I woke up, I came so close to ending gmm. I'm glad I didn't but I downloaded a ton of porn and really really want to fap. I was thinking about Parul a lot too. The pictures of her in her bra get me sooo horny. I didn't realize her boobs were that big. They're really nice. Jacking it to her is so much riskier than porn too, I finish way faster if I'm thinking about her than if I'm watching porn. I can't believe it took me so long to figure out I'm demi. That's kinda what I've been doing my whole life. Imagining someone to finish, because porn was never really good enough. But yeah, I managed to not finish which was good even though it was really hard. Then I motivated myself to get the things signed (which I realize now was a bad decision and would've made more sense to start my report because I'll have to go back there for a different piece of paper anyway, but that might be later, hmm maybe it wasn't terrible) and that was really motivating to do and made me feel a bit better. And now I'm home and edged a bit more (god I'm an idiot) and now I'm about to hop into bed. \nOh. I think I'm going to ask Tanu if I did something or if she's mad at me or something. She hardly texts me and our conversations are really strained now, but I'm trying hard to get her to engage but she just seems preoccupied or not interested or something. If it keeps going on I'll have to confront her about it. It's kinda nerve racking. I'm scared I did do something or she won't tell me and our relationship just dies and I'll fall back into depression or withdraw from my friends again. I know it's totally in my power to not do that, but it's still scary. ",
|
||
"title": "22nd May 2018 at 23:16",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180522135940101",
|
||
"created": "20180522131651195"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful I went and did something I didn't want to do, namely going out at night and getting photocopies of documents and then getting them notorized. It feels good to face anxiety and struggle and come out realizing it wasn't as bad as I thought and was totally doable. ",
|
||
"title": "22nd May 2018 at 23:56",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180522135835492",
|
||
"created": "20180522135619970"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful forr:\n\n* virtual date with a cute girl\n* working out\n* not being hungover\n* reminiscing with Nanak",
|
||
"title": "22nd May 2020 at 20:00",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200522100125222",
|
||
"created": "20200522100037035"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i met two awesome people at a club going out with chichi and bj and it was dope. their names were Vladimir and i cant remember ",
|
||
"title": "22nd November 2018 at 03:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181122084134952",
|
||
"created": "20181122084043220"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im tired. im going to go to bed soon, and its a lot earlier than usual, but this is a good thing. work has been difficult lately, mostly because of my own doing, but also because i'm a little fearful. fearful of what exactly? i couldn't tell you. just slightly on edge. it's been eating up all my time as well, but thats mostly because i dont do the work i know i should've done and am constantly playing catch up. in a way not so dissimular from university. my self-destructive flair shines again. it would still be an exaggeration to say im burnt out or overly stressed about it, but it still does bother me. i find it difficult to switch off. going to the library helps though, so im going to try and do that more. \n\nme and parul started talking again, after 2 weeks of her boyfriend visiting and she's v anxious again. immediately my mind jumped to them breaking up, followed up by us getting back together, served immediattely with a side of 'no parul, i cant put myself through that again'. its as though i both want the power to say no, but want to know im wanted. not that any of that matters, its all in my head anyway. i have no reason to presume they have broken up, and no intention of asking. i didn't tell her that me and riya broke up either, and dont particualrly want to. still, it is nice to be back in touch with her. it was like no time at all had passed. i'll forever cherish our friendship. \n\nme and riya also had a semi-real conversation for the first time since even before breaking up. ive been happy with the way i handled that, and moving on, but im lonely again. i think this loneliness manifests itself in dark ways, like the above mentioned ideas wiith parul, but also with wanting debs. on the weekend we hung out (a lot of us, at chad pad) and i smoked a joint and went full earth brain. i think i need to stop smoking weed at seshes that aren't primarily stoner seshes. i get waaayyy too dumb and feel this pressure and get self concious. so im not gonna do that anymore. \n\nim also getting quite tired of the work routine. but its more than that. even my off hours feel stale in a certain sense. the same people, doing generally the same things, in the same places. i want to meet new people and mix things up. with the forge hopefully going back up this weekend, i think its high time i paid my fee to HSBNE and started hanging out there hoping to meet cool people. that or perhaps shiv could nitroduce me to some of his friends. i really miss having a desi squad to get lit with. it would obviously be harder now that im not in uni to meet people, but also since i can only hang on the weekends really, and i tend to hang out with my current friends. \n\nim not really sure how to mix things up, but tomorrow im getting a tattoo. my first! im quite excited but also very nervous. in that regard it would be good to start work early so i can get out of work early too. but who knows if that'll happen. \n\ni guess through all of this i am trying to convey some sense of missing. some absence i can't quite put my finger on. as though to say, \"is this it? that's all?\" thats been my general mood this time period. i've been doing lots of check ins and reviews and all that, but was i really present? this is the realest i've felt in a long time when it comes to writing things down in my journal. i think that says a lot. \n\nas a final note, i lost a single climbing shoe on the way back from the gym on saturday and now i will have to buy new ones. im sad at this, because i really didn't want to spend the money. speaking of which, i've had insane lifestyle creep happen. i haven't managed to save at all, and keep spending. after my last paycheck i was actually at a net loss over the month... i need to find a place to put my money so that it keeps making me money. it's been on my backlog for so long. \n\ni also really need to start doing a \"plan for tomorrow\" with my reviews or something. i think knowing what i plan to do tomorrow the night before would ease some of the stress that comes from working. now that i use taskwarrior extensively, a lot of my tasks get put in there and i quite like the system i have. but i don't always check it as often as i should, and though things haven't quite got lost in the sauce, i want a better way to review them. i thinkt hats a general pattern in my life. so much focus on collecting, and not enough on review. perhaps that is something i should do next month, or moon cycle. i like the idea of having 2ish week goals or trials. this month i did no alc and no snacs. but commiting to something like that every month seems untenable. a smaller cycle rate would be helpful. perhaps once trialed, each cycle could be split into a 4-phase system -- but there i go collecting again hah",
|
||
"title": "22nd September 2020 at 22:19",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200922123937168",
|
||
"created": "20200922121919606"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been feeling really shit lately. There's been multiple things that I think are causing me to feel this way. For one work is really not fun. I kinda dread going now. Knowing that I just have to sit there the entire day is hard. And then finding ways to pass the time is even harder. Finally coming home after having spent all day basically doing nothing and then having to come home and continue doing uni stuff is close to impossible. It just makes me feel really shit. \nAnother one, was (and isn't really the case so much anymore) was Parul going on a date. I mean, she's told me about tonts of dates before and they never really bothered me. But this one did. Maybe because she had a good time (which is awful to say) it bothered me more, but I did realize that I felt jealous. Even now, even though I know she's just working really hard on uni stuff, it bothers me. I think it's slowly getting better, but that certainly had an impact. \nThe final thing would be just feeling like a failure, with regards to my other commitments. I didn't do as well as I expected on in my midsems/assignments so far. In fact, I did quite poorly. That definietly impacted me too. Felt like I'm not trying hard enough, even though it's hard for me. That my best won't be enough. That even if I gave it 100% it wouldn't be enough to do the things I want to do. My research project is kind of falling apart too. I failed to deliver on the collab-a-thon for Artifex. Logan mentioned that today. How certain members let the community down by not delivering on what they promised. How 2 fairly big events just didn't happen because of me. He didn't explicitly call me out, but I knew he was talking about me. It made me feel real shit. But he's totally right. And that's the thing. That's why I feel shit. Because I did let people down. I did fail. It's not just in my head. I consistently fail to deliver on things I set out to do. Sure I could make the argument that I try to deliver more than I'm capable of, but I don't think that's an excuse. I don't think there can be an excuse. The truth is that I do consistently let people down. And not just specific people. Everyone. Myself included. Even on personal projects that I do for myself. I'm just bad at doing things. It makes me want to quit and give up. Just curl up in bed and disappear. What's the point in trying if I keep letting everyone down, if I keep failing? If I don't learn from my failures, if I don't know how to learn from my failures, why keep going? \n\nBefore this turns even more depressing than it is right now, I'm gonna leave it there. That's kinda where I've been the past couple of days, going to bed as early as I can. I made an appointment with the counsellor but it won't be until the 7th of June. I'll figure some way to make it there. Hopefully. ",
|
||
"title": "23rd April 2018 at 19:11",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180423093216207",
|
||
"created": "20180423091114189"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for:\n\n* getting to talk to riya\n* melee\n* making buchi\n* buying a diffuser\n* my room\n* plants\n* keeping a budget",
|
||
"title": "23rd August 2020 at 23:00",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200823130229204",
|
||
"created": "20200823130023967"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i keep thinking back to the time Z was talking about making TD worker owned and i cant help but feel like i blew the opportunity, since later he asked me if i would be willing to stay on forever. i shouldve asked him about shares and the like and see what couldve been done. i wonder what wouldve gone differently had i done that. would my motivation be higher? my desire to get to know my coworkers? i think thats what i wouldve liked to know better before commiting (Besides firstly coming to realize that this was an opportunity that i missed) \n\nsomething to be on the lookout for in the future i guess. ",
|
||
"title": "23rd August 2020 at 23:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200823131817683",
|
||
"created": "20200823131523557"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i had such a lovely dream and its still fresh in my head and i wanted to write about it. \n\ni believe it started at a party of some sort where basically all my friends were. at first i was only meeting people from india and australia, and that was fine, i was having fun. it was in this huge house with v bisexual lighting and tons of floors. but towards the end of the party(or maybe we were moving somewhere else?) and everyone was going outside into cars, I bumped into Laurel and Charly. And I haven't seen them in so long that I wanted to go to their car. actually wait before this happened when everyone was heading outside there was gonna be a new party that we were going to (one that Kishan was hosting) but he was being exclusionary and didnt invite some people from the current party, mostly girls for some reason, and that made me kinda sad and upset because those girls were my friends too. \n\nanyway, Charly and Laurel were some of the girls that were excluded from coming to the party and they couldn't go anyway because Laurel had to go to the airport since she was leaving. when I found out that she was leaving I knew I had to get into her car because I wanted to spend whatever time we had left together. she had this super fancy ass car that she was also living in but it was like no seats and totally flat and soft like a bed. there were only 2 seats and those were the 2 in front where the driver was (at first I thought it was self driving). So on the way to the airport it was just me and charly and laurel and we were catching up and talking and being friends and it was so lovely. i hadnt felt like that in a long time, that i connected with someone. eventually we got to the airport. \n\nonce at the airport -- which was unlike any other airport ive ever seen, we tried to help laurel find her way. because the airport was acutally a maze!! the entry was beautiful, like lush green hills and people were having picnics and flying kites, it was beautiful. then we found the door and it was some sort of puzzle? everything anyone looked at would light up and we had to find the right way and not get distracted. it didnt work too well for me though because i couldnt light up many of the objects and was getting annoyed but charly pulled we away to follow laurel who was running really late at this point. then finally we got through that bit of the maze and it turned into a normal airport and laurel found her gate. and then we said our goodbyes. it wasnt even super sad, like somehow we knew it would only be temporary. \n\nand then i remembered that i didnt have a ride back, and that maybe things with charly would be awkward and started freaking out a little bit. but charly it would be fine we're taking laurels car anyway and she didnt mind. so on the way back we continued talking and catching up and being friends and it was lovely. and that was it. ",
|
||
"title": "23rd January 2019 at 11:01",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190123001429130",
|
||
"created": "20190123000125672"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Making music 😌\n* Work (The thing I was stressed about didn't need to be stressed about)\n* Getting all my laundry folded\n* Feeling better about being with Riya\n* Eating when I was too hungry to function\n* Habits\n* Applying for jobs\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Building up my digital garden/Kitaab\n * Especially wrt work\n* Setting up a VPN/Server to access bowl\n* Buying snacks\n* Feeling too hungry to function\n* Buying cake for Alexa\n* Investing \n\nWhat can I do to improve tomorrow:\n\n* Ask questions and take initive at work\n* Don't fret the small things\n* Don't lie about things you haven't yet done\n* Small steps towards creativty lead to results\n* Find a better way to engage with note-taking -> Give hypothesis a try? Get neuron? \n* Practice coding with leetcode \n* Prepare for the interview tomorrow \n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Learning about making music\n* Being accepted at work for not knowing exactly what I'm doing\n* My hair going more gray and being less purple\n* Jack and me being an unstoppable duo\n* Being able to be more picky about the jobs I want to work at",
|
||
"title": "23rd July 2020 at 22:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200723130742863",
|
||
"created": "20200723125759403"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today there is actually something specific I want to write about. It's about my desire to be different from everyone else, and how thats shaped my world view so much. I think it ties into why i thought i could be everything, why im lonely, and also why i dont have an \"in-group\". I guess i am a hipster among hipsters, hah. i feel like since a very young age it's always been fostered in me. this idea that i had potential that nobody else did, that i wasnt living up to. that i was somehow special in a way others werent. i really honestly believed that. in fact i think i still do. from a young age so many people with authority in my life told me that. my teachers, my parents, even my peers continue to express how im strange and not like anything theyre familiar with. i remember when yayu was talking about how she was talking to tanu about my episode at the beginning of this year and she said \"lol it's anish, expect the unexpected\". that struck a cord with me. perhaps was the beginning of this thought train. even my closest friends know to expect different things from me than they do from everyone else.\ni think its a core part of my identity now for better or worse, that i think im different than everyone else in a way that looks down on others. its why \"be better, be anish\" was a thing. but at the same time ive tried very hard to discard the pretentiousness that comes with it. sure, i am different, but that doesnt make me better. i think i can manage that. to be different and unpretentious. i think this is why im insufferable a lot, and why its hard for me to make friends, not only amongst the normies but sometimes also amongst the weirdos. its why i refused to be a part of only one group as my in-group. because how could i be different than everyone if there was this one group that i was entirely subscribed to? so i gave up on having an ingroup. i say this now, and im not sure how true it is, but it is what i believe, i didnt always intentionally go against the grain. for a long time, it was just \"oh this is what everyone's doing? guess i'll do the opposite\" but at some point it grew past that. i began to think about things for myself, and even though it's hard to deny the impact \"trends\" have had on my thought process, i figured out that mindlessly going against them was no different to mindlessly following them. \ni think that all leads me to now. where i feel alone amongst my friends. where i feel i have no peers with which i can relate. it's because i never really did. it's been a core part of me since the beginning. and yet this feeling is so ethereal. im still a person. i have needs and desires like everyone else. i have feelings and thoughts and emotions. i wonder if ill ever come to grips with it or my entire life will be a performance entitled \"this is me; because it's not you.\"",
|
||
"title": "23rd March 2018 at 15:09",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180323042246918",
|
||
"created": "20180323040927308"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i realised this past week has been gogogo for me. land in nyc on Monday, leave on Tuesday, return Wednesday, leave Thursday, return Friday, depart the country Saturday. ballin' out 🤙🏽",
|
||
"title": "23rd November 2018 at 18:20",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181123232140164",
|
||
"created": "20181123232003103"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been tryna sleep since like 2.30 but am not able to and keep having relevations. first it was about tanu being bango and now i think I'm in love wirh sarayu. it's weird to say that. in fact i shouldn't say that because it probably isnt true and im getting caught up in the moment, but. \n\nim fantasising about a future where we move to the country and learn to live off the land and be sustainable and live our hippie selves. we make art, and grow plants, and harvest rainwater and eat together and all kinds of sentimental things. and then later on a boat travelling around the world amd seeing all there is to see. and then finding somewhere to settle down and have kids, and when they're still fairly young but old enough to remember we could move back to Bangalore, like our parents did when we were kids and know the place for the first time. ughhhh, it's so cheesy and romantic but also kinda perfect i love it. \n\nits weird and really unfair to her to think these thoughts though, because i havent seen her in about a year, and she just broke up with troy and im also going to see her in a month and idk if she even likes me, let alone is ready to commit her life to us. idk if i am tbh, but it feels right - right now and maybe I'll wake up and be like LOL im a dumbo. and that's fine too, i just neededto write it down to get it out of my head and it's kinda a cute story so i wanted to keep it.",
|
||
"title": "23rd October 2018 at 04:00",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181022170747306",
|
||
"created": "20181022170043144"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "the week is over. finally. it's been a long hard week and I've failed in quite a few ways. I'm not in the best of moods right now. Parul keeps coming back to me and it's really annoying. I'm getting tired of being alone. not even just in the relationship sense. i dont feel like i have friends to turn to. i still think a lot of them think I'm weird or crazy or just not worth putting up with. i also keep pushing them away. ugh, this is my depression talking again. \n\n*sigh*\n\ni failed at least one of the assignments. possibly 3/4. i have no one to blame but myself. even taking a day off work during the break wasn't enough. i gotta try harder. after submitting the info theory one in Thursday i was reinvigorated to try harder. but after today's one inI'm defeated again. hollow. but tomorrow awaits unopened and untainted. i suppose I'll just have to come at it with fresh eyes and mind.\n\ni was gonna ask Sam out when i went and got a coffee. but she was on break when i went. maybe next time. \n\nwhy can't i just be happy. ",
|
||
"title": "23rd September 2018 at 22:55",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180923130130977",
|
||
"created": "20180923125504037"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "looks like we made it to day 2 of this streak, hah. I wonder how many times that's happened before. \n\ni've been struggling with my sleep lately. i can't fall asleep for hours on end while laying in bed, and it's driving me crazy. I'm not sure what's causing it because I'm very tired by the time I do get to bed. It's really frustirating. Perhaps it's work. I have been struggling a little with it, if im being honest though it's entirely my fault because I don't work when I should. I find it quite difficult to focus in the mornings, and so I just faf around for hours on end, annoyed that im not working, but not annoyed enough to actually work. and then the night comes around and i've calmed down and can focus and start to work, and at least today it turned out all my worries were unfounded. the task i was to do was a lot easier than i imagined. it's annoying because this is something i've noted before, that if im in break mode just enjoy break mode, and then do work lately. but instead im unable to totally enter break mode, and im not working either and that limbo state really annoys me. i need to figure out what to do about that. \n\nthe other actually cool thing that i did today was get inked! im so happy with the way it came out. it's interesting because while writing the above section i was pondering the power of words. that by writing down that i dont like it i'd make it true. and the truth is that there is a part im not entirely sold on. it's the colored bit just below the back of my neck. i think it's not quite perfect, or fleshed out enough, but not in execution but idea form. the cresent moons on my arm are total 😍 vibes though, i totally love it. overall i had a great experience with getting tattoo'd and i look forward to getting my next one. \n\ni keep thinking about doing a no-new-media week or two, where i just go through all my old stuff and either consume it, or at least categorize it. i was telling jxN today that I could very easily spend all day on my laptop just scrolling the internet not doing a whole lot without too much trouble. i have soo many feeds. not that i think this is a bad thing, being swept up in the internet does allow me to do things and be in touch with stuff i would otherwise miss. but it also does come at a cost. like i always say, balance. and right now the balance is not where i want it to be. ",
|
||
"title": "23rd September 2020 at 23:10",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200923131855603",
|
||
"created": "20200923131049750"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* when i sat down to work -> getting it done\n* getting inked\n* cleaning up browser tabs on curve\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* getting enough sleep\n* working during the day\n* being annoyed and complaining a lot \n* wanting to smoke a joint\n* endless feed scrolling\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* if i cant sleep just get out of bed for a little while\n* if you're not able to focus on work, take a long break, but do something specific so you can delineate work from non-work easier\n* start doing daily 'plans for the morn' (now would be a good time to start, but it's late and im tired)\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* getting inked\n* having the disposable income to spend on things i want (inked, climbing shoes, etc) \n* bumping into chtl in the city \n* having friends to share my happiness with \n* trying my best to hit all my goals",
|
||
"title": "23rd September 2020 at 23:19",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200923132419211",
|
||
"created": "20200923131901312"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm really grateful for Tanu. After we spoke on Saturday she's been a lot more receptive and kind in trying to help me stop being depressed and just generally terrible. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to try and get rid of her. I'd be in a much, much darker place if she wasn't around. ",
|
||
"title": "24th April 2018 at 01:15",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180423151617043",
|
||
"created": "20180423151506049"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today (or yesterday?) I also hung out with Tanvir for a while. It was nice to catch up with him. He told me he's gonna try and hook me up with Myrin. I think I'd like that. to be honest, I don't really remember much from that night. But she seemed sweet. ",
|
||
"title": "24th April 2018 at 01:16",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180425053218931",
|
||
"created": "20180423151636947"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Trying to free write because before going to sleep last night I wanted to. But now I'm not really feeling it since it's early in the morning and I'm on the bus and listening to podcasts and pretty hungry. Perhaps I'll save this for another time, or simply later today. ",
|
||
"title": "24th August 2018 at 08:08",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180823220943594",
|
||
"created": "20180823220842343"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm drained. I was in bed for 12 hours yesterday. Perhaps more. At the time I thought I'd just take a quick nap and continue because I thought I was tired. But what I was afraid of came true. It felt oddly familiar and not something I'd felt like in a while. Depression strikes back. In between being asleep for 12 hours the times I was awake I felt really alone. There's nobody here for me. I mean sure, I have a couple of friends and I have some acquantances but not really anybody. And then I realized it'd be the same no matter where I go. There isn't really anybody anywhere for me. That made me unhappy. \n\nI'm not sure what to do about it except keep on keeping on. Some days will be bad days. Some days I will be drained. Somedays the feedback of my supervisor will crush me. I think that's something I need to work on. Resilience training of some kind. The feedback my supervisor (Roger) gave me was honest and to the point. It wasn't harsh. It wasn't rude. When I first read it I was totally crushed. Then I read it again and felt a bit better. Motivitaion to try harder, to be better. But it was fleeting at best. I was once again greeted by my old friend \"give up in the face of difficulty\". But at least I'm recognizing it. I'm gonna try and work, and like I said, keep on keeping on. The alternative is self destruction, and despite all the romanticism I've built around it, it's not really an answer at all. \n\nSuccess is not permanent and failure is not fatal.",
|
||
"title": "24th February 2018 at 09:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180223223406311",
|
||
"created": "20180223222412709"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful I went to the Canberra show. The little piglet race and the ride and all the adorable animals we saw, it was pretty awesome. ",
|
||
"title": "24th February 2018 at 17:49",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180224065013515",
|
||
"created": "20180224064926247"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "something has really been bothering me lately and ive been meaning to write about it in hopes that it'll free some of my angst, and i think i finally made some headway that it makes sense to write about so here i go. \n\ni still hold animosity towards Parul. (no, im not gonna use the other fucking name). that she abandoned me and replaced me like it was nothing. that she then had the gall to ask me not to do the same to her. to not abandon her just cuz she did me. and that because i can't get over it im somehow the bad guy. im just sitting around and doing other things when all of a sudden she'll drift back to my mind and ill picture her with akshat (i still dont know what he looks like) and them having sex or making out or her giving him a blowjob and it fucking hurts. and i just get mad. how she only texts me when shes anxious or worried or stressed or something, and how we only ever really talk about her life and her problems now. because most of my problems are her and we cant talk about that. and nothing is going on for me and theres nothing to talk about. how she only texts me when akshat isnt around. which is why i dont text her first. because its painful to be reminded that i didnt matter, that i could be so easily replaced. that she didnt tell me until she tossed me to the side. it makes me sad, and i dont want to have to deal with that, but i often dont get a choice. how i still have to be nice to her because we are actually friends even though theres no meaning to it anymore. how she's still the only one that actually talks to me. god knows nobody else does. and she knew that. she still must know that. and it didnt matter.\n\nand yet at the same time, i rationalize that it's unfair to blame her. how can i blame her for my involvement in something i knew would only end in heartbreak for one of us? that i continued to be involved in something that would inevitably lead to pain. maybe it's easy to see in hindsight, but come on, it was pretty obvious that it couldnt work. and it was obvious that i was the one who was going to get hurt. she was going on dates and meeting people and i was relying on her as my only form of social contact. of course it was going to be me. i fucking knew that. so how can i blame her? but she knew that too. how is it her fault? she didnt betray me, it was only the inevitable that happened. maybe its because she knew that, and didnt give me any warning. not even time to fucking recuperate. no fuck that. she did handle it poorly. and even if i knew it was going to end badly for me, she made it painful. more painful than it had to be. almost as painful as she could have. and yet there was no malice involved. how can i continue to spite her for that? is it really her fault that all she wanted was somebody there with her? am i really so petty as to hold her from her happiness? no.\n\nand yet here i am. irrationaly taken by my emotions. angery that i was replaced. not only in the lover sense, but as a friend. as someone she knew. and now i might as well be nobody. well, not entirely, but still. and i dont know what to do about it. i just avoid it, by not texting her, but its not like i stop thinking about her that way. to be fair i have been thinking about her a lot less. i dont even like looking at her pictures anymore. so maybe that's progress. but maybe i also need more time off. but am i also really not allowed to be mad?",
|
||
"title": "24th January 2019 at 22:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190124115052208",
|
||
"created": "20190124113951072"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "its been 10 days since my last entry and im still exactly where i was. smoking weed and playing video and hanging out with my friends. i want it to change but talk is so cheap. thats a phrase ive been repeating a lot to myself lately. talk is cheap. i think for a long while i blamed every other thing i could. cammy, my friends, weed. but im finally able to take responsibility for myself. not that it matters because talk is cheap. \n\ni mean i shouldn't be so hard on myself, (god it feels dumb writing this out, this is the second time im writing this) since i did write some code analyzing my habits data. \n\nbut its not enough. i dont know what would be enough. i cant help but feel like theres something more. \nand its gnawing at me. \n\ni know on one hand this is the last time i have total freedom and nothing to do. but i cant help but be dissapointed by my output. ",
|
||
"title": "24th January 2020 at 02:53",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130094721323",
|
||
"created": "20200130094707996"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today has been a fairly long day. I had work in the morning. But after that it's been quite nice. Mum, Pa and Poopz are here visiting me which is great. Mum and Poopz QE'd the shit out of my place so now it's super freaking clean so that's p cool. And then we went to dinner that I paid for which felt pretty awesome to do. \nOverall it's been a pretty good day. Tomorrow I finally go to Uni, though I should catch up on all my lectures. ",
|
||
"title": "24th July 2018 at 23:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180724135447827",
|
||
"created": "20180724135108078"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "been quite a slow day, woke up at nearly 1pm, made some breakfast (eggs and sausages) then mostly just sat around until jj woke up. then i went to his place to pick up the grilse and get cucked by him for Dark Souls. That was p fun. I'm really grateful he remembered me when Clare was picking up and asked if I needed any. That was really sweet.\nLately I've also been feeling a bit weird in my tummy, I think it's acid reflux. I think it's because I haven't been eating as much lately and I also probs haven't been eating healthily. I also have been missing most my dailies since getting back from QLD but I'm slowly beginning to get back into the routine. Today I also made my first pull request! I added Canberra to Transportr. It migh turn out to be a useless PR because the Australia provider already existed, but it was fun to start working on that. I also finally got around to git pulling pleroma after ages of having wanted to do that. So overall not a bad day. I did a bunch of chores yesterday and today so that makes me feel good. I still have tons of laundry left though. ",
|
||
"title": "24th June 2018 at 01:35",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180623155108167",
|
||
"created": "20180623153534986"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im sad. me and riya nearly broke up today. i feel like i wont be enough for her and that no matter how much i try, i wont get to the point where i make her feel safe and protected.",
|
||
"title": "24th June 2020 at 22:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200624120522480",
|
||
"created": "20200624120409931"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "yoo im writing this from my new laptop and this is dope. i havent got it set up the way i want yet and the keyboard isn't that great but im already liking it a lot. it still kinda lags or is a bit slow with Pure OS but i'm hoping swapping to Nix OS and running a lighter set up instead of full GTK might help. I'm so happy. \nBut I'm also v sad that my trip is over. tomorrow I fly out back to australia, and today was my last day. I wish i had more things to write and to say but for right now i'm just sad. :(",
|
||
"title": "24th November 2018 at 04:13",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181124091512703",
|
||
"created": "20181124091313484"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "sitting at the airport for my flight to dallas and this is it. this is the end of my journey through america. ive been sitting here an hour or so already just browsing the internet, but im sad and in a weird mood and dont want to leave. i havent done anything productive in a few weeks. \n\nim on the plane now and realized this would be a 4 hour flight so i pulled out my laptop to write on it. i wanted to write a recap of my trip and all the things i hadnt alraedy written down but i think im too sad for that right now. im trying not to sleep so i can sleep a lot on the longer flight. i dont want to leave my friends. im gonna miss them all so much. ugh. its gonna be hard. ",
|
||
"title": "24th November 2018 at 14:08",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181130043147493",
|
||
"created": "20181130043134874"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Now im in dallas just boarded the plane to sydney. its super empty which is nice and im hoping i can sleep a bunch on the flight. \ni'm gonna miss all my friends heaps :( i dont want to go back to being alone and by myself and disconnected. hah, i make it sound so dramatic. but i really miss my friends and even though i know they love me and are there for me not being able to see them is v difficult and the internet is hardly any kind of substitiute. I'm not sad about leaving the country though. America did meet my expectations in a lot of ways but its hard to describe. everybody was always super polite and nice to me, but there's something in the vibes and culture that i picked up on. they felt similar to how i felt about the place from reading about it online. there are still certainly huge differences between my perspective then and my perspective now, especially in regards to white america and black america and how it all comes together. maybe i'm a little less jaded now too because of that. but white, consumerist america is still around in full force. also just the amount of wealth in this country is insane and it's a huge difference i noticied between australia and america more generally. \n\ni think another big thing i can take away from my trip is that im not attracted to any of the girls I met. Not Sarayu, or Tanushree in particular nor any of the others. I don't think I'm attracted to Parul though it's still difficult with her especially since I didn't get to meet her this trip. Though I still don't think I'm attracted to her. I think Ankitha is a bad bitch and hot af, but idk if I'm attracted to her either. It's really weird with Sarayu. It's almost as if I want to be in love with her because it would make my life easier or some ish. And because we're such good friends I think I just believe it'd work out?? but im actually not attracted to her. It's weird. I'm glad I figured all that out. It's been bothering me for a long time and ive been going round and round for far too long. But being far away from them makes it harder for me too. I don't really know any girls in Australia (or have a diverse set of friends like those I got to meet in America) which makes me uncomfortable/bored. getting back to the grind is going to suck as well. I've been partying non-stop since the 9th and it's been a total 2 weeks now. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, but I don't have any other choices. I can already feel the weight building in my chest. \n\nI wish I didn't have to leave my friends. thats what im going to miss the most. all the people i get to see and hang out with and love because i'm always so alone in Canberra.\n\nhah, that's enough moping. i gained so much strength from this trip and i feel like i solidified my base a lot. there's a lot to be happy for. there's also a lot to look forward to. and yet i feel compelled to be sad. \nI'm hoping to make a reat long post about all the places I went and people I met and things I saw/did and hopefully that'll cheer me up. I'm glad I got quite a few pictures because it'll be really nice to look back on. Gosh life moves so quickly...",
|
||
"title": "24th November 2018 at 20:33",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181130043221131",
|
||
"created": "20181130043206958"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive had a lot of positive affirmations these past few days. between manya just fan girling me yesterday, nupur saying i look like hrithik roshan, and nirvan saying im the best ABD, its been really nice hearing such sweet things from my friends, it must mean im doing something right. i want to pay more attention and focus on them. remember them so im not always a sadboi.\n\nim just doing me the only way i know how, so its good to know im doing good :) ",
|
||
"title": "24th September 2019 at 01:27",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190923153026150",
|
||
"created": "20190923152701516"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "*sigh* ive been getting hammered at work. i've been saying this a lot to all my friends and it sucks. i only have myself to blame too. i keep not working on fridays and goofing off and taking naps. but part of it is also that i hate being micromanaged. Suraj is quite the micromanager and i've decided i don't really enjoy working with him anymore. it's frusting for me because i know i also don't do much work unless i'm prodded, so im kinda doomed to either grow the fuck up and do the work, or be micromanaged. it's an easy pick for me. \n\nso here is my declaration: i am going to try harder at work. \n\nhmmm what else? not really a whole lot to be honest. i spend my off time just scrolling and managing my tabs... i want that to change. on the bright side i did some planning today, for tomorrow. i've been hitting my habits (except hindi and devlog) so things are going quite alright? idk. maybe im still in a mood because of getting hammered at work... 3ish more weeks before i pass probation but im not even sure that will be a load off my neck. Gareth's firm is hiring and I'm gonna apply there with the hopes of being paid more and working with cooler people. idk, i like Nick at my current job. and the work isn't half bad. i wish it was more security-centric but alas. \n\ni'm tired now so i'm going to bed. i'm going climbing in the morning. ",
|
||
"title": "24th September 2020 at 22:27",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200924123558820",
|
||
"created": "20200924122731095"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Getting enough rest\n* Taking care of my plants\n* Bicycling for 30 mins in the gym\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Getting rekt at work for not doing the things I should've\n* Suraj micromanaging me\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Take charge and actually do the work I'm supposed to\n* Ask questions during work hours when I get stuck\n* Ask for feedback at work so I know what to change/improve upon\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Taking a nap during work hours",
|
||
"title": "24th September 2020 at 22:36",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200924124125057",
|
||
"created": "20200924123602159"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "This should've been added yesterday, but oh well. \nYesterday Andos and Wibbles came over and we practiced Blue Letter by Fleetwood Mac a ton. It was actually quite a lot of fun and I'm grateful I didn't bail out of it despite having tremendous amounts of work to do. ",
|
||
"title": "25th April 2018 at 15:32",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180425055147266",
|
||
"created": "20180425053208748"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i've had this feeling of being sorta like a parasite lately. especially when it comes to romance/emotional support, i require someone there to be a bedrock. who this person is varies from time to time, but i do sorta always need someone. I've been thinking about this since I was finally able to hear what Soumya was saying about \"us\". i noticed that i started to get restless/frantic after and perhaps subconsciously was the reason i wasn't able to hear her for so long, because I knew that if i did really hear her i would have to start scrambling again. \n\nand then last night i cheeckily, but also absent mindedly said 'love you, night' to Pearl and that was a big no-no. in hindsight it was stupid thing to do, and she was worried that i was in love with her, which i am most certainly not, but i think its related to that similar necessity of a \"bedrock\". i think i wrote earlier about how i was still salty what happened, and i told her as much, but after telling her that i wonder how much salt remains. its hard for me to identify currently. ",
|
||
"title": "25th April 2020 at 13:47",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200425035842819",
|
||
"created": "20200425034708679"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today I'm grateful for the weather. i woke up to the rain and it was just beautiful. I'm also grateful for the downtime I have listening to Jack Johnson while it's raining and overcast. ",
|
||
"title": "25th February 2018 at 17:10",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180226005452103",
|
||
"created": "20180225105221795"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for good books to distract me when I'm feeling down",
|
||
"title": "25th January 2020 at 05:07",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200124180802270",
|
||
"created": "20200124180739344"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i didnt feel very happy today i think, the day went by quite quickly though, so maybe i should cut my losses. It bothers me that i only get 6 hours to do things after work and i tend to be pretty distractable. still need to improve focus and stuff as always. i guess I'm feeling kinda defeated and I've been reckoning with my morality and being evil and i just feel like a loser stuck in a dead end job. i dont know who i want to be and so long as that is the case i dont know how to fix it. ugh.\nwe had an L&D session from the DTA in the morning but i wish it was in the evening so I'd get home earlier ",
|
||
"title": "25th June 2018 at 23:44",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180625134731154",
|
||
"created": "20180625134416412"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for being able to sleep in today a bit. Even a little bit helps especially since I didn't sleep so well last night",
|
||
"title": "25th June 2018 at 23:47",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180625134806458",
|
||
"created": "20180625134734589"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im trying to do more reflections but ive been so all over the place ugh \nim starting shift work tomorrow again, and have decieded not to go to India, given all that's going on in my life. plus ive been in bit of a slump since amy decided she just wants to be friends, and i didnt want that so i said so, but it still sucks. but I'll get over it.\n\nive been a bit flustered and i think it keeps coming back to my living situation. but im still figuring out the best way to tell anshul \n\nso many chores and stress. ugh. ",
|
||
"title": "25th June 2019 at 00:20",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190624142519035",
|
||
"created": "20190624142014136"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "another day another reflection, except this time im on my computer so it should be easier to type. seems like i'm going to bed quite a bit earlier toady which is nice. \nim beginning to feel a panic set in and i think it's related to quite a few things and was probably set off by amy which i'm slowly getting over. i dont know why i always fall so hard. today i had a stone heart fantasy where i live by myself forever and live a simple boring life in my own company. the fantasy is nice, but the reality would suck. i know im just hurting. \n\nbut i think the panic is more than that. it's about my shitty job, work in the future and work in the immediate future with the Transport Canberra team and moving and studying and shit. i dont know why all of a sudden (except maybe once again early depression signs) im caught in this loop again but i know that i am strong and can make it through this. i think im going to make some sort of guide by the month or something like that. i need a more rigourous plan or something to make me feel a bit better maybe? now that i write it out im not so sure. i need to be doing things feel like im moving and not static. \n\ngod i really hope the transport canberra thing works out, that would be so dope.\n\ni hope moving helps that and that i can find a way to ensure anshul isn't super upset by it (and i get my money back)\n\nthats another thing thats been bothering me, money. i haven't saved up a single fucking dollar since i moved in here, and it's because those other fucks are always broke as all hell. im getting kind of sick of seeing 19 instead of 20 (even though i never made it to 20) and want a bit more of a buffer when i go to america. \n\ni also did my first shift today and it wasn't that bad. i really enjoy working with warwick and binh and gavin and the darkside of the room is alright too. but i need some way to make it semi productive. if i could do practice code questions or study for the future or even just read articles from my wallabag instance that would be super helpful. \n\ntheres also the bit about my habits that im upset about. i havent been to the gym in eons, i dont make any music or even really meditate anymore. basically the only thing im still doing is this and that too not very much at all. i really want to get back into it and im gonna stop making excuses for it. \n\nsometimes i cant help but wonder why im like this",
|
||
"title": "25th June 2019 at 23:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190625133228862",
|
||
"created": "20190625131840582"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for hanging out with Bryte and talking to Tanu in the morning, it made me feel really connected. I'm glad i have people who like to hang out and talk to me and that makes me happy ",
|
||
"title": "25th March 2018 at 23:26",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180325122740591",
|
||
"created": "20180325122636495"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I was at Jeremy's place and somebody I didn't recognise was also hanging out with us. He was speed running what I thought was super mario bros, but turned out to be something similar but different. it was like super mario bros and jet pack joyride combined and it looked really fun and he was really good at it and we all kept ooohing and ahhhing as he played. it was a fun time ",
|
||
"title": "26th August 2018 at 10:14",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180826001813899",
|
||
"created": "20180826001449670"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n \n* working out\n* feeling well rested\n* focusing & getting my work done\n* better note taking for work stuff\n* being mindful of slack usage\n* using,monochromatic mode during work hours\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* stressing about work\n* missing my morning meeting again\n* getting lost and being super late to my hair appointment\n* working late\n* neck pain\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* work smarter not harder\n* prepare to be stressed at work sometimes\n* look up directions more often\n* leave earlier\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* memes and funny videos\n* being compotent enough to get my work done\n* hot showers\n* sleeping long hours\n* bei",
|
||
"title": "26th August 2020 at 22:58",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200826130848936",
|
||
"created": "20200826125804432"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "lately ive been getting antsy about the things i want to do in my freetime and i decidely cannot blame riya because shes been lovely. today i was working late, yesterday it was being too tired. even though today i managed to reconfigure taskwarrior in the end its not what i wanted to be working on. my neck and hand pains are getting worse. i keep thinking im going to get fired. im just making myself more nervous by writing this all out. deep breath. getting into the flow after work to do creative things isnt easy, but thats okay. i want it all, and thats a big ask. one step at a time",
|
||
"title": "26th August 2020 at 23:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200826130819480",
|
||
"created": "20200826130416577"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "being back in bangalore has been a bomb. i really miss large cities and this is probs my favorite one since i know so many people and grew up here. it's really lovely to be back. seeing nani and the fam has been a lot of fun, even if it's only for a lil while. poopz is a total brat now though omg she's so difficult to deal with. starts yelling for literally everything and throwing tantrums. i dont think ive heard her and mum have one single conversation that didnt lead to a yelling contest. i didnt get to see a lot of my friends, but those i did get to see have been nice. i saw sireesh and his cousins and kishan and crew over the weekend. i got to see nandu and byoung and dohyun which was p cool. but asides from siree i met everyone only once which kinda sucks. but oh well. i do really like bangalore. \n\nwe went to bombay brasserie for lunch for christmas and that was nice. gosh the indian food here is soooo good and i really miss indian food. ",
|
||
"title": "26th December 2018 at 20:53",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181226163905801",
|
||
"created": "20181226152356647"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i'm taking my laptop out to write this which is pretty frustrating but i really wanted to writte something out.\n\ntoday i got high again for the first time in 1 month and 25 days. and it sucked pretty bad. i was kinda out of it and there were tons of people here and i was having a shit time because i felt like a social retard. it sucked, and i sorta got back into the headspace that lead me to quit in the first place\n\ni also did have some fun, but it wasn't worth it at all. i wish i hadn't smoked and im certainly not going to for another long time. weed makes me an idiot and though it can be kinda fun, i think overall i have less fun. \n\ntbf on myself there were a lot of people and rp and surbhi both were leaving which made things a bit high pressure and may have made things similar even if i was sober. im gonna miss rp i had a fun time while he was staying with us and he's a cool guy. \n\n----\n\nalso uni starts today i guess, and i realized i havent done a single one of my monthly projects and we're already 2 months deep. that makes things pretty annoying. not having the habits mkes it really hard, but i wanna do something. with uni starting up i feel the urge to be a productivity maniac again. not having a phone or my laptop setup seems like it should be good for a reset but i've just been stuck. there's a ton of things i wanted to do that doesn't require either of them and i havent done those either. so i cant really blame it on the phone and no internet thing. i should just get started. maybe thats what i should do tomorrow in my break. i made an agenda today on my dhabba phone so imma stick it in there. my real phone is also now estamated to come on the 4th of march which is a whole week after when I was originally expecting it. ughhhh.\n\nwhy do i always feel like everyone hates me? ",
|
||
"title": "26th February 2019 at 01:07",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190327083946261",
|
||
"created": "20190327083936635"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Cooking\n* Getting KVM to run the Windows box\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Doing work\n* Low energy after hanging out all day\n* Work out\n* Creative\n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Find a better way to coexist \n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Seeing Riya\n* Being in Canberra again\n* Talking to Mami and Nikhil",
|
||
"title": "26th July 2020 at 21:46",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200726120631462",
|
||
"created": "20200726114620647"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "''sigh'' \ndays go by so fast and i get so little done in them. after getting off work i spent most my time masturbating tbh. i did go to the groceries and clean up the kitchen sink. and while i was at work i managed to book an appointment with a counsellor. so i have that going for me i guess. i feel pretty terrible to be honest. i think its the soul crushing loneliness but i might also just be an awful person that nobody wants to be around or speak to. im forgetting how to be.",
|
||
"title": "26th June 2018 at 22:55",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180626125632244",
|
||
"created": "20180626125501390"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i open wire once a day or so and kinda of hope that Tanu sent me a message know i could still contact her but i dont know what to say. i feel like i fucked up and/or failed in some irredeemable way, and to be totally honest that's pretty true, i think i have. it aches to see the ashy remains of bridges i burnt with the people i cared about most ",
|
||
"title": "26th June 2018 at 23:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180626132102266",
|
||
"created": "20180626131840134"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im stoned\nsup\n\ni really wasnt enjoying myself when i wrote that. now its 3:30 and i feel kinda better. im watching cricket with gaju who placed some bets. its been fun watching lately, and he's kinda got me into gambling. i was playing poker with him before and now i want to again. \n\ni had a lot more to write about not wanting to do weed again, and this is why i shouldnt but i dont really feel that way anyway ",
|
||
"title": "26th March 2019 at 01:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190325163010497",
|
||
"created": "20190325142846405"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm so enamoured my computers and prone to distraction that I don't focus on a single task for more than a couple days. Even though I try to track each \"task\" (though they're more like a series of never ending rabbit holes), use the pomodoro technique, and just spend inordinate amounts of time on my computers (especially now) I never seem to get anywhere. I try my hand had development, hacking, infrastructure, art, music, and writing. I enjoy all these activitise to various degrees, but I can't get good at all of them simultaneously... \n\nSo instead I go round and round, jumping from project to project, learning so much as to fall deeper in the rabbithole. Picking up from where I left off seems to be what I should focus on then, I spend a lot of time figuring out where I was and lose track of things. I can't even seem to follow a textbook through to the end. How am I supposed to manage my focus such that I do the things I want? Is it a 1 task a day system? is it a focus on one thing for 2 weeks system? i'm not sure. But i'll figure it out ",
|
||
"title": "26th March 2020 at 16:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200326051937395",
|
||
"created": "20200326051826604"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I am grateful for:\n\n* Meeting Ri and getting along with her so well\n* having to ask difficult questions of myself (about be a fucc/soft boi) but putting in the work\n* feeling better today, even if it wasnt particularly productive \n* doing laundry even though it sucks",
|
||
"title": "26th May 2020 at 19:36",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200526093850659",
|
||
"created": "20200526093640772"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "and im home again. the adventure comes to an end. the reboot complete.\n\nthe story goes on.",
|
||
"title": "26th November 2018 at 19:13",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181130043253477",
|
||
"created": "20181130043240450"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I miss being out and about in the nights. its really something i enjoy. i dont do it at all anymore and i think i should. today i hung out almost all day with nikhil and dagaar. i was sleeping until like 10am when going to sleep at 5.30pm yesterday and then I also took a nap today too. It has been a depression day, but thats okay. I ended up having a nice time with dagaar and nikhil and i went to the gym in between so it hasn't been a totally useless day. i feel pretty happy relatively. we went to the city around midnight and i'd forgotton what that was like. so many drunk people on a thursday night all having a good time. i miss that. i want to go out more. i dont know if ill really get the chance that much, but id like to try. i think maybe when i get back one night ill just head out by myself and see what happens. the night is such an adventurous and yet relaxing time. i love what it does to people, the good and the bad. the day feels mundane and boring by most regards. something about lunar and solar differences. im certainly a moon person. i hadn't realized it, but thinking about it now it totally makes sense. most of my data is in personal apps that i keep to myself and are about myself primarily. i feel like i think about and do stuff related to myself a lot? but i guess i also dont really have any other alternative haha",
|
||
"title": "26th October 2018 at 00:52",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181102172752591",
|
||
"created": "20181102172726981"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I had a very interesting dream. I woke up early like i usually do when work is on for some reason and it took me some time to fall asleep but i finally did and was dreaming.\n\nAnyway I cant remember exactly what the reason was, but I was upset and decided to go mute and not do anything or interact with people. We were back in our old BTM house and there was this pitbull there that i was talking to that i loved that turned into Simba. Then he went away somewhere and Mum and poop came out and tried to get me to interact with them but either I'd ignore them or walk away. eventually poop decided to pee on me but i still didn't respond so they gave up. \n\nThen I took a bus or a boat to some faraway land, I'm not sure where, and was being useless and listless and mute. I remember finding a tavern of some sort and hiding away in the attic. \n\nI think at some point I awoke to Yayu trying to wake me. I tried to ignore her but she wouldn't go away or give up. So i tried to leave but she kept following me around and refused to give up on me. I kept trying to ditch her by getting on busses to small villages and boats out in the middle of nowhere but she'd keep showing up. Eventually Ankitha showed up as well, and was both trying to help me and tell Yayu to give up at different points in time.\n\nEventually Sarayu finally broke me at a pizza hut and I smiled and hugged her, and then I thanked her for not giving up on me. And then thanked her for being so nice to me in my dreams in real life. ",
|
||
"title": "26th September 2018 at 07:55",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180925225811862",
|
||
"created": "20180925215534477"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've had a rough few couple of days. I've got so many things I want and need to do but none of the momentum to do them. And I'm not sure how to build that momentum, it feels like I should've already been at high speed if I want to do the things that I do, but I'm moving too slowly. and that's really been bumming me out so I've been avoiding things and drinking mostly. I mean i had my assignment due yesterday and I did an alright job I think, but I've just been mopey and annoyed about having to do it. And I didn't do so well on my algorithms assignment and I have another one due very soon and I think i should be starting to sweat but instead I'm going into more of a who cares and what's the point zone and that's not a good place to be. \nOn a more positive note, I've been listening to a new song I found basically all day and it's beautiful and I love it. The song is Ultimately by khai dreams and i cant get enough of it. The song really feels like me. I was thinking I could sing one section of it to each of the 4 girls I've been seriously romantically interested in. I don't think i will do that, but i think that's what plays a part in why I love it so much, and it is a song about love.",
|
||
"title": "27th August 2018 at 23:46",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180827135325959",
|
||
"created": "20180827134644426"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i got my hair done at a salon today and im absolutely in love with it now, every time i look in the mirror i smile and am really happy with the way i look. it makes me want to get a tattoo and more piercings so i can complete the way i feel. it feels like im getting closer to peak form, between my hair and working and getting a flat tummy and my relationship. i cant believe how good brisbane has been for me in just a couple months, it really has changed everything. the only thing i miss and want is desi friends. im sure if i keep an eye out an opportunity will present itself, i just have to be willing to take it up. \n\nlately as well ive been feeling less keen on slack. disappointed by it in some sense. at first i attributed it to myself, anda1d while that was partially true i think it makes me want other friends more. something about it is different now and i think th\\ts inextricably linked to me being here now. i dont really think theres anything i can do alone to fix it, but i can work towards making it better and being more comfortable wiqth myself too. but ultimately i think i will need other friends as well. i can sense them bleeding off into my character to a dfg1egree i dont particularly like. \n\nim also planning on doing good boy sept to get through that final leg of the flat tummy progression. i been quite happy with my sustainable progressthus far, and giving up drinking for a bit will be good. but before i do that im looking forward to getting silly drunk tomorrow or the day after. ",
|
||
"title": "27th August 2020 at 23:32",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200827134049150",
|
||
"created": "20200827133227023"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today i was in ny back yard just vaping, when this ilder woman and her dog walk by and they both yawn at the exact same time. I thought that was kinda funny. your dog really does become you. ",
|
||
"title": "27th February 2018 at 18:24",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180227072451829",
|
||
"created": "20180227072414414"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today nearly felt like a 10x day. Maybe an 8x?lol.\nIt started off kinda slow i guess i started picking up the pace as the day went on. I feelcgood about what I was able to accomplish. I think taskwarrior is helping me keep track of things really well. I don't really feel like I'm forgetting things and not having to wonder \"hmmm, what was next?\" makes everything so much more straightforward and faster. I need to work on different views for tw so I can hide from view things that aren't currently relevant, as I'm also using it as a kind of back log. ",
|
||
"title": "27th February 2018 at 22:55",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180227115744992",
|
||
"created": "20180227115510809"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "It's 2am and I'm in Perth and my sleep schedule is fucked so I decided to take this time to write things down. I'm also quite hungry which makes this difficult but I'll try to get back to sleep after I'm done. I've been sleeping since like 6pm and woke up around 2am so my sleep schedule is utterly destroyed, and tbh I haven't been getting enough sleep these past couple of days (or even this past week more generally) and I've noticied that's been making me very angry and irritable. I also haven't been getting enough exercise lately for similar reasons I haven't been getting enough sleep and that makes me sad and depressed. But when I don't get either of those two I become a self destructive and evil person. I don't like being that person but apparently I have to make sacrifices sometimes.\n\nI had more I wanted to write about but I forgot it. I feel like I've lost all the \"steam\" I had going for me this time last week, but perhaps made up for it in change to my place. Not enough I think, but that's the way it is I guess.\n\nEverytime I open Wire I get sad. Our relationship is largely over. I ruined it. And I don't think I can fix it. And even if I thought I could fix it I wouldn't know where to begin. I know I did this to myself and don't have anyone else to blame, but it still makes me sad.\n\nOhh, that's right, on the flight over here, there was this older man sitting next to me and we talked it up a bit. It was nice talking to him, about politics and the world generally, though we did gravitate towards tech a lot, and that was mostly my doing. In the past week I've had 2 nice conversations with strangers while travelling. I wonder why they're willing to talk to me now. I still feel a little nervous (though I was more confident today because I was talking to an older guy, instead of a hot girl?) but it's something I'm working on. Making eye contact makes such a big difference and is something I want to focus on.",
|
||
"title": "27th July 2018 at 02:47",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180817033952406",
|
||
"created": "20180817033938276"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for:\n\n* today being the last day of lockdown\n* the smell of cake being baked\n* yummy coffee \n* getting a lot closer to a flat tummy",
|
||
"title": "27th June 2020 at 13:52",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200627035345199",
|
||
"created": "20200627035227056"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i wanted to write a little something about thr strangers i met that im still thinking about. there was of course, Sheela in SF the night before i left. There was Kartik's fam in phoenix who were pretty chill but whose names I've already forgotten. I wouldn't count Tanu's friends as strangers since I'd already heard of them. In NYC there was Ashley and Mia in particular. and then in DC of course there was Hassan, Mayuk, and Jay. Oh also Prithvi and Arjun. I wish I had pictures with all of them. It wouldve been nice to remember. ",
|
||
"title": "27th November 2018 at 07:14",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181126201717121",
|
||
"created": "20181126201433015"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Again, this is for yesterday. tanvir, aathira and anshul and saad (only for a bit) so came over to my place and we had a couple drinks and just chilled and talked. I had a great time. Aathira and tanvir are gonna try and set me up with Mhyrin. so that's exciting. i hope it works out. ",
|
||
"title": "28th April 2018 at 00:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180427142223294",
|
||
"created": "20180427142116695"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today again I was fairly depresso but I managed to pull myself together enough to do some very elementary tasks that I should've done yesterday or in the past days. Slow steps and a bit of crying and a lot of listening to Ultimately. I don't know if things will get better tomorrow with work - I should definitely start my assignment and email Roger and Charles so I can hopefully just make the deadline for the Summer Research Project. I think Roger might be right in that I've bitten off more than I can chew, but I'm going to apply and try not be too hard on myself if I dont get it. \nI did end up going bouldering today which was heaps of fun, I'm really enjoying that, even though I didn't do as well today as I did the last two times, my arms are still jelly and I'm having heaps of fun. We went to Grilld after and i felt I was able to kinda engage socially which was good, because earlier today in class and at the library with Ramee I was totally dejected and sad. ",
|
||
"title": "28th August 2018 at 23:24",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180828132905628",
|
||
"created": "20180828132426742"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I had a strange dream. I was back in Canada for some thing and I ended up seeing laurel at a train station? we talked for a while and eventually we went back to her place? and there were so many people all living together as one big family. Charly was there too. it seems like we managed to really reconnect somehow. and then i had to go back? but I missed the train. and someone's uncle was there to pick me up so I stayed another day there? and then I had to do some exam? it was quite strange. eventually I was gonna get on the train and it was waiting for me, but i went back to grab my shoes and Charly and Laurel were both there waiting and sitting on a bench. i grabbed my shoes but didn't make it back to the train before it left, so we got in the car and drove somewhere else. there was a teleporter on the road.\n\nit felt incredibly life like, and I was very comfortable very fast in the dream",
|
||
"title": "28th February 2018 at 09:27",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180227223419816",
|
||
"created": "20180227222735936"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "You know I think i realised why i was so chipper yesterday. it was the coffee I had. today I was craving another one, and was kinda tired around 5pm. i was looking for a place to get some today, but they were all closed ",
|
||
"title": "28th February 2018 at 18:59",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180228080039388",
|
||
"created": "20180228075913913"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so i just got home from smashstock 2019 (first smash stock with femme vibes) and it was dope, and maybe I'll chronicle it sometime tomorrow or something, but for now there's this particular event thats been bothering me and that ive been thinking about a lot\n\nso on friday we did mdma and i came out that ive been questioning my sexuality which was nice and every one was really sweet and accepting about it which i loved but then on saturday i slept next to mike and was kinda flirting with him and getting closer to him and shit and i was super nervous about it but like md haze kinda pushed me to do it and i wanted to try (and mike is so fucking hot jesus) but then later at night he got mad at me and i felt really bad but also didnt hear what he said so... yeah\nive been thinking about that moment when he got mad at me and it's kinda painful because i didnt know what he aaid and md haze made me feel extra bad about it\n\nanyway i wanted to write it down so it'd get out of my head and i think this helps",
|
||
"title": "28th July 2019 at 23:11",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190728131633663",
|
||
"created": "20190728131150498"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "*sigh*\n\ni got my grades back today, and i got a supplementary exam for my conputer graphics course and i am thinking the thought that i shouldve tried harder. i find myself blaming Manya a lil, but mostly myself. im kicking myself for missing all those damn labs. if i did even 1 or 2 more i defs wouldve passed 😔 \nI tried to meditate to get over it and it certainly helped, but my ego certainly taking a beating rn. fuck.\n\nits okay. i can still do it. i can pass the exam and the course and graduate and my life will go on. i suppose this will make me stronger. ",
|
||
"title": "28th November 2019 at 00:10",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191127131720847",
|
||
"created": "20191127131036681"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i'm freaking out about an assessment i have to do and it's making everything stressful so i'm writing it down in hopes it'll leave my system and i can get to work. ive actually been avoiding doing it since like 3pm and now it's like 3 hours later and i still haven't done anything and im truly freaking out. but i know i can do it, i did a similar assessment last time in a day as well and i have 6 hours and a outline for what to write but im still stressed. i also didnt go to work today because i was too tired and i was supposed to do this assignment and thats got me anxious too and I haven't been to the gym in about a week so it's just disaster central rn. im also freaking out about what to do after graduating, whether or not i should go to korea, and just generally my future. i dont know how to deal with it but by telling myself im strong and will figure it out and can do it. \n\n*deep breath* okay i feel a lil better now, time to get started. ",
|
||
"title": "28th October 2019 at 17:46",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191028064936530",
|
||
"created": "20191028064632335"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Suraj has really been pissing me off today. He throws me heaps of fucking tasks, expects them to be done instantly, lies about what I said and then talks behind my back to Z. He's such an ass kisser, and so obssesed with writing things fast and getting them done, and has no care for actual development, I really hate it. Brags about how long it takes him to do something, but then when you take a peek behind the curtain. If I was a more vengeful person, I would go thorugh our chat history and pointout all the things he lied about and shove them in his face. even writing this is making me angry. I do admit to having slacked off a ton (at least to myself) and I absolutely do need to catch up, but he's such a pain in the ass to work with. He micromanages everything and then bitches that I didn't do it the right way or quickly enough. i understand now why vlad is the way he is with Suraj. He's a prick. Not a pleasant person to work with at all. Fuck him. ",
|
||
"title": "28th September 2020 at 21:36",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200928114133715",
|
||
"created": "20200928113635469"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been having the wildest dreams lately ever since i stopped smoking up and its been great, ive really missed dreaming. \n\nthis one i went to the airport and had too much stuff and i think i was going to brisbane and was running late or something (felt like i was in a rush, and for some reason had two pairs of shoes that i kept getting comments on because i was carrying them both around, one was a home pair that i was wearing and the other was my UBs) and then i met jj there and he said his flight was the flight after mine from memory and his was about to start boarding so i freaked out a little and looked at the ticket and couldnt really read it (because dreams) but it said the time which was waaay later and the date felt wrong and it had cammys name on it, so i went to the counter and this old black dude who was super sweet was helping me get on a flight and was like yeah you should be able to get on this one but then they started talking about going somewhere in tasmania that was somehow super close to sydney? (geography was v weird) so i was like fuck it i dont wanna go just give me my money back or some sort of compensation. so i went to the reception and the person there was very rude, first on the phone for ages and then asking if cammy was my brother and since he wasnt said she wouldnt be able to help me, when the black guy who was previously helping me jumps in grabs the compensation coupon thing and runs off with it, and urges me to follow with his eyes/head, so i dash off and now airport security is after all of us and im struggling to hold onto all my shit and find my shit (i thought i lost my laptop) at the same time and then out of nowhere some granny comes up and joins our squad and so the airport security get nervous because whos gonna fuck with granny so we run to the basement and make a get away. \n\nit was fucking wild",
|
||
"title": "29th August 2019 at 18:37",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084422015",
|
||
"created": "20191009084403775"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im finally happy with the way i was behaving yesterday around debs and chtl yesterday. i think even debs realized there was tension between us at first (We were sitting together at taros) But we managed to get through it and that made me happy. and even with chtl we managed to break the tension together, which was great, im heading to meet them now for caelens birthday rn. i hope to continue this good run. also side note: james is v quickly climbing the ladder to gerd, woodly tier friend (The level below jj, i guess). i really enjoy his company\n\nin less good news, ive been feeling that undercurrent of dread about having made this move and dived into brisbane again. i keep feeling like at any moment jxn or greta gonna go off at me for fucking up. but theyre always v upfront about any issues they have (which i enjoy) So my fears are unfounded.i think its interwoven with work stress and riya stress (Which has been on the rise again, but thats another isuue) even today at climbing i kept feeling like others were talking about me, but obviously they werent (And i had headphones in so i couldnt actually hear them) it seems like my anxiety on the rise again. something to be wary of. \n\n also i noticied with jack i constantly sigh and get tired quickly and i dont want that. i need to put more effort into that relationship next. especially since we hang out so much and i love him a lot, i want him to feel valued in my presence.",
|
||
"title": "29th August 2020 at 20:37",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200829104607333",
|
||
"created": "20200829103701607"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im sitting at the airport and fucking miserable rn. i dont want to leave bangalore. i didnt get to be here for long enough. i really dont want to leave. i just been listening to earl and feeling fucking shit. i wish i could stay for longer. i wish i had someone i could hug and hold. why do i feel so alone all the time. \n\ni had such a good time in bangalore too. seeing all my friends really reminds me of the person i used to be. the person i only vaguely remember and so badly wish i coud become again. before the depression and destruction. before the self pity and worthlessness. and i feel i remember being that person now. but i know ill go back and immediately lose it again. im a function of the people i spend time with and im immensly grateful for at least getting some time with my old friends, but i wish it didnt always have to end. its the end of the year.\n\nit's been a turbulent year, starting off incrediby rough, but i think i kinda found my footing. at least a little bit. im tryna figure out what i want from 2019 but i dont really know. there were a few things earlier. but i cant remember them now. \n\nreading all my older entries is kinda comforting. even though most the ones i read were generally sad. i cant quite describe it. lots of the ones were about not knowing how i relate to myself and now i kinda figured it out a little. just a little. and that means im capable of growing and changing and improving. and that brings me comfort. i guess thats why i write this thing. im gonna try and import all the older ones i have. im really sad i dont have the even older entries. \n\ngod i fucking love earl. ",
|
||
"title": "29th December 2018 at 22:04",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181229165239626",
|
||
"created": "20181229163430590"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i read an article about journaling, specifically about asking questions and organizing your daily journal and while mine isnt daily, i think its a good idea. i hadn't thought of that before. i really should add more tags to my journal, but im nervous about doing so. \n\ntoday i went to the doctor for my wrists and got a brace and some medicine and its already feeling a lot better typing isnt painful (not that it originally was on this keyboard) but im not in constant pain and using the mouse is better too. i didnt do a whole lot else, i guess mentally preparing to move tomorrow. it hasnt fully sunk in yet, but by tomorrow im sure it will have. im kinda unsure about how this will go, but im looking forward to the change, which is probably why im not nervous about it. im quite tired already tonight. i think its the heat that is draining. plus when babu came over he was super lethargic and he infected me with it too. \n\ni keep feeling like theres something i should be doing, especially at this computer... im not quite sure why or what it is my body is telling me to do. maybe it's to do with punya or puralek but i cant quite motivate myself to get around to them. i also haven't been opening my projects/vimwiki file as much lately, perhaps because it is a vimwiki now and i cant access it easily on my phone?? im not sure, maybe i just dont want to do those things yet? im kinda hoping the moving houses will lead me to wanting to restart all those things, but maybe it's just age as well. i dont enjoy messing around with my computers as much anymore. i want to create things, not just operate/manage them. to that regard ive been learning about VCV rack which is hella dope and im excited about learning more. its very exciting being able to create electronic music like that haha. i think maybe it has to do with all the data im accumalating and organizing it? that is what puralek is about.\n\ndeath has also been on my mind a lot. im scared i wont make it through 2019, though i havent quite resigned myself to that yet -- though there is a sort of peace that washes over me when i think about it every now and again. mostly its fear though, i think. every so often it seems like i set an end date to my life. originally at 18, then at 21, and now 25 (mostly inspired by Isiah Rashad's \"Prayin that i make it 25\"). im going to talk about it with my counsellor. for the first time, despite being able to recognize that there are people that like me and care about me (which is normally not the case, and is especially surprising now since i feel like i have the fewest friends ive ever had my whole life) it doesnt actually tip the balance in favor of wanting to stay alive. maybe i think theyll just get over it, or actually maybe its more that this is about me and not them? which is weird to say because the reason im depresed, ostentatiously is that i dont feel like i have people that care about me? i suppose i really am full of contradictions. it may have to do with my belief that im fundamentally broken in some way, and that they cant fix it. and the only fix i can see...\nits weird as well because ive been having a nice time with my friends, and when im around them i guess im distracted enough not to think about it. but when im alone its scary. i think mastodon has been having a really bad impact on my mental state, and so i havent been using it as much, and have been considering deleting the app. i think i might do that. trying to stay away hasnt been the best approach in the past. ",
|
||
"title": "29th January 2019 at 23:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190129123203533",
|
||
"created": "20190129121544406"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Interview with HalfBrick\n* Making music\n* Being sore from work outs\n* Morning work out\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Studying for the halfbrick interview\n* doing real work \n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow:\n\n* Do real work?\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Chocolate\n* Having a lenient time at work",
|
||
"title": "29th July 2020 at 22:55",
|
||
"tags": "Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200729132046988",
|
||
"created": "20200729125531034"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": " I'm in a really good mood rn. LOL the rain just stopped as soon as i started typing\n\nbut anyway, i enjoyed the rain and not thinking about everything else. and just having a nice time watching and listening to the rain. it was most excellent",
|
||
"title": "29th March 2019 at 19:18",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190329081937337",
|
||
"created": "20190329081823208"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been trying to sleep but this episode of The Turth (your ears are burning) lowkey fucked me up. ive been in bed for over an hour at this point. i need to see a counsellor. even though for the first time in a very long i really am in the best place ive ever been i can sense this self destructive tendency rising. as if in anticipation for the new years. maybe its just the copious amounts of alcohol i consumed over the last fee days. maybe i just dont know how to be without somehow wanting to burn it all down. ",
|
||
"title": "29th September 2019 at 22:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084125455",
|
||
"created": "20191009084109305"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Working out\n* Meditating\n* Work\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Not getting enough sleep\n* Tasks...\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* go to sleep earlier!!!\n* go back to 1taskaday\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Not having to work with Suraj\n* Spontenously deciding to call mum and enjoying it\n* Feeling like I did enough at work today\n* Jeremy installing linux and having fun \n* Feeling good about my body",
|
||
"title": "29th September 2020 at 22:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200929125812501",
|
||
"created": "20200929125043560"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm really grateful for not having to work with Suraj today, fuck that guy. I didn't intteract with him at all outside of our meeting. That was really nice. I'm really tired lately, but feel less bad about it. i think i'm reaching a good point with work, because im thrashing less, but that also could just be because i haven't had to deal with suraj. if i can get the ML project delivered i'll be really proud. \n\nasides from that i had a really nice chat with mum and i decided to call her because i was thinking about her and that was nice. \n\ni'm having trouble with configuring the work laptop throuh nix because my current .nix files are for nixOS, but I have kubuntu installed on it. I think for now I will just copy over the vim config i have on curve just so i can be productive. working with code in nano is really not fun. anyways i think thats all from today. ",
|
||
"title": "29th September 2020 at 22:58",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200929130846058",
|
||
"created": "20200929125816103"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "its times like these i really fucking wish i had my new phone. .. too lazy to go back out and type properly \n\nbut i did want to write about manya. we finally officially stopped being fuck buddies, and though my life is easier for it and i think we make better friends, i do miss the sex. it was a lot of fun, but always caused too many problems. hanging out with manya is fun again, rather than a chore, and im really happy about that. she's a good friend\n\n i get the feeling her and Abdul are fucking, and as much as i dont wanna admit it, it does make me feel a certain way. i guess a part of it is jealousy, but i think another part of it is the hypocrisy, because she used to hate Abdul. the funny/sad part is its probably all just in my head and they aren't fucking, and im just as jealous. it does also make me laugh tho. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd February 2020 at 23:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200202121931877",
|
||
"created": "20200202121516799"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh i feel kinda stupid now, a lil. maybe it was just in the moment thing and i couldnt handle myself and was too fucked up, but its weird. okay so some back story. \nactually. i dont really want ta write about it right now, im sleepy and tired and it ultimately didnt matter. im going to chalk that experience to tripping out super hard and getting really paranoid and uncomfortable for something that might've been just entirely in my head. though it certainly had some impact on the party, mostly it wouldve just been my head and freaking out for no real reason other than the drugs. i think im going -- no i knw im going to take a break from drugs ow. for at least 6 months. i cocooned super hard towards the end of the party and wasnt really having a good time and was hyper-hyper paranoid. like ive never been that paranoid in my life and even the thought of going back to that freaks me out really hard. i literally couldnt discern fiction from reality and all the voices going on in my head made me really uncomfortable. and sinec i have no way to know what was \"real\" and what was \"fake\" and dont really wanna go over it with anyone else im just gonna put it down as a bad experience. \n\nthere is one funny moment i remember. jeremy was talking to me about how fucked up i was and how i dont normally go over my limit. and i told him this time was different and i did go over. and whats funny is the memory in my head is we're talking about it in like this dream scape surrounded by clouds and shit. v funny. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd January 2019 at 03:01",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190101171227259",
|
||
"created": "20190101170149541"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Welcome to the new decade. 😁\n\nI had a great time at Nikostock, it was fucking beautiful. But thats not what this is about. \n\nI had the weirdest fucking dream. I was in a lush hotel room (which was mine) with most my QLD friends, and we were having a party and then it turned into an intervention? Most of them were telling me to ditch my other friends for reasons like \"they're not as good or as rich as us or you\" which made me really mad. I was batting away all their arguments and kept retreating to my room to take them on 1v1. I really enjoyed the verbal sparring but it was making me really mad that they couldnt understand my position. Strangely, it was Chantel that was arguing with me the most. During all of this Haikal was in my bedroom (we were dating? I defs kissed him) eating food and Elliot had brought a portable jacuzzi and wanted to try it out. It was a very strange mix of party, arguments and randomness that really confused me when I woke up. \nNow that I think about it, this verbal sparring is a common occurrence with the boys. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd January 2020 at 11:13",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200102012108609",
|
||
"created": "20200102011347090"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "This is about yesterday but the most amazing thing happened. I was getting on the bus to go to Bunnings in Belco and my MyWay card didn't have any balance and so the bus driver decided to throw me out instead when an older lady named Margaret called out \"Do you need some money?\" and I was like sure. So after about 5 minutes of trying to get her shit together to buy me a ticket (and some clearly annoyed customers) she bought me a ticket. It was such a lovely gesture, and though I originally went to sit in the back, but I decided to move and sit next to her and we had a nice conversation before I got off. \nI'm really grateful for the kindness of strangers especially when just a little bit can go a long way at the right time. It was such a nice experience. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd July 2018 at 17:20",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180702072553006",
|
||
"created": "20180702072048004"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Again, this is yesterday's journal entry. \nThis weekend has been pretty productive for me, I had a whole list of things i wanted to do/purchase and i actually got quite a few of them done which feels good. Even though they were mostly small victories and just things i wanted to buy it was a good feeling of accomplishment. I bought some new plants and a stand for my bedroom, but i still want more. I also bought some aromatic candles to make my room smell nice, and also a shaver. During the day and interim between running chores I met Anshul for coffee in the day and then later at night Babu as well for a couple beers at Breachers (The new sports bar) even though it was dead eerie. I had a good time all across the day. I've also been permastoned all weekend which is fun, but i think its clear why it's a problem as well. I think between the bus incident and hanging out with friends I havent seen in a long time my mood has really been boosted. It's hard to explain, but quite clear as an experience. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd July 2018 at 17:25",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180702073237242",
|
||
"created": "20180702072555786"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* riya coming over even though i was sad and then having her boost my mood so much\n* tanushree for listening to my bullshit sadness \n* having the strength to not be super hard on myself when i got rejected from job apps that i thought went well\n* keeping on in the face of difficulty ",
|
||
"title": "2nd June 2020 at 21:46",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200602114838309",
|
||
"created": "20200602114632751"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "this shit is really eating me up inside and i still cant sleep. I figured out what i want to say to Minnie, sorta. She's always asking about what my deal is, and truth is i tried to convince a pretty girl to take a chance on me and see where the ride went. but now i realize that because the ride can't go anywhere, it doesn't matter if I convince thethe girl or not. \n\nbut more of whats eating me is Chutney. I remember giving her the death stare. Jharna was cordial and gave me a hug. I'm pretty sure i flipped off neero for no reason. Harshita doesn't trust me anymore. I don't think Saad does either. Me and Tanika were basically at each others throats over text. I remember tellimg Abdel I dont have a problem with him, but I think he may have a problem with me. I think thats basically everyone from that group. I am certainly now separate, but I dont mind. Im used to standing on my own and I held my own last night. I did good. \nWatching burning bridges is more fun than I thought it would be, but it hurts more too. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd March 2020 at 02:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200301152931878",
|
||
"created": "20200301152109528"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": " Today has been pretty pleasant overall. I did miss my 8am lecture but otherwise I went to my classes, hung around, and got my habits in. It's the second day of godmode may and the urge to fap is increasing, but I'm trying not to think about it. Other than that I've been going pretty strong and feel confident in my ability to successfully become a [GOD]. Asides from that I have a midterm on Monday which I'm not too confident for, but I can learn and do things about that, so I should be okay, hopefully. \nParul and I have been really missing each other again. I think we both tried to stop driving each other crazy because there was nothing we could really do about it, but we're back at square one. That's often the way it is with her though. She'll pull back for some reason for some time and then eventually it'll go back to being really into each other. Ugh, today I was imagining her coming here and me picking her up from the airport and just not being able to keep my hands off her. God even just writing about it is turning me on. You can see why nofap is gonna be hecka hard. But I will remain strong. Suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. ",
|
||
"title": "2nd May 2018 at 21:17",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180502115108890",
|
||
"created": "20180502111748892"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "it seems im constantly under the process of rebirth.\nfirst at the beginning of last year, through fire\nthen in November, through travel to America \nand now again, through movement \n\ngetting a tattoo has been on my mind, and perhaps I'll undertake that sooner rather than later",
|
||
"title": "30th January 2019 at 00:27",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190129132916265",
|
||
"created": "20190129132753286"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been feeling absolutely refreshed since i got back to Canberra. I think it has to do with my new place. It's amazing what a difference the cleaning made. I feel reborn. There's a lot of things I want to do and organising them hasn't exactly been happening and even my habits and uni and stuff have been on the back burner. i saw my friends and I had a good time and built my shelf. i saw Tanvir in the afternoon for food and coffee and I met Aaron later for gym and dinner. It was fun seeing both of them. \nI'm looking forward to and positive about the next days and I'm grrateful for that. ",
|
||
"title": "30th July 2018 at 23:06",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180730131431537",
|
||
"created": "20180730130645798"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "The possibility of hope. Believing in a positive next few days is something I'm so greatful for. ",
|
||
"title": "30th July 2018 at 23:14",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180730131506248",
|
||
"created": "20180730131434073"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been thinking about strategy a lot lately. in many different contexts, work and uni and friends. about how orchestrating my life is more than just about the things i do. it's about the people i communicate with and how i do that. this is where a moral framework would be helpful, because it's easy to get caught up in solely the pursuit of ideal strategy and forget about it's purpose. im worried about that. something else thats been on my mind is that maybe im the villian. i just dont recognize it yet. young priviledged kid tryna live my life, but constantly confused and aimless.\n\nuff that's too dark and i dont really believe that. i'm glad i can deal with negative thoughts, im a lot stronger now too. i think thats why ive been thinking about strategy, and how being agreeable all the time isn't the best strategy. it's easy and pretty effective, but not conducive to certain sorts of fields of endeavour.\n\ni've been going to the gym on night shift a bunch and i love it, it feels so good to be at the gym at night. we havn't been going super hard like me and aaron do, but it's a fun sesh. makes me appreciate aaron more, im gonna ask him to gym – i just did :relieved:\n\nman i really want to be able to insert emojo on my laptop. it's such a core part of expressing myself.\n\n",
|
||
"title": "30th June 2019 at 01:58",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190702131549948",
|
||
"created": "20190702131530995"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i cant sleep because ive been thinking about plantlight.club and sorting some of my thoughts about it out. im really excited about this idea, but its going to be a slow process. it gives me something to work towards and that excites me.\nim also thinking about crackasaintshit.tech and how that could be an avenue for recruiting people and as a test bed for my tech/ops skills. i want an intentional growth community though. im going to need all the help i can get especially with running it and organizing it (i think i can handle the tech parts) \nim going to ask other admins for tips about running a server still. \nv exciting 😊\n\nplc 🌼",
|
||
"title": "30th June 2019 at 08:13",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190629222130862",
|
||
"created": "20190629221351454"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "we're back to beginnings again so i refreshed list of tiddlers. \n\nim mosttly done setting up my laptop as a pureos machine, but i really wanted to try out nixOS. I'm gonna run it in boxes or something for a while to see how far I can get it set up. Curve is going to have to use gnome i think. Not having a DE on a laptop is a death wish, even if it is heavier to use. ",
|
||
"title": "30th November 2018 at 00:42",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181129134406235",
|
||
"created": "20181129134258760"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today has been a short day (since i was asleep for most of it) but i did go bouldering, which is always fun. i feel huge burden lifted with the finishing of my assignments. even though I have exams soon I'm not as stressed about them for some reason. i want to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow and truly reset.\n\nthis is a new beginning. there is a long journey ahead. you will need to rest and be resilient to get through it. don't be scared.",
|
||
"title": "30th October 2018 at 00:38",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181029134539884",
|
||
"created": "20181029133825200"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "classic me, i cant sleep again. i think it's probably the 11 hours of sleep i got last night, but it reminds me of being back in school. \n\nim kinda a hypocrite. while i couldnt stop thinking about yayu again (why does this always happen to me?) she called me crying because she really missed Troy. i feel a weird kinda way. i couldnt really help her because i was kinda caught off guard but i wouldn't have known what to say even if i hadn't been. i was just making a joke about her and troy too. v ironic. \ni also had some thoughts and a life tracker of sorts that I'm gonna write down in the other book ",
|
||
"title": "30th October 2018 at 02:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181029153312827",
|
||
"created": "20181029152840481"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "arghhhh. I'm missing the really long recap I did on friday (??) and it's bothering me. I guess it didn't save or something?? I'm not sure, maybe syncthing just replaced it, but it's not in the back up file so I'm guessing it didn't get saved. I was expecting a conflict and when I didn't find it I realised it was missing. Grrrrr. This sucks. Oh well, on to better things I suppose.\n\nHmm, let's see. I still don't have Internet but a technician is coming on Tuesday to have a look at it and fix it up. It isn't so bad, I thought this would make me happier and to a degree it has, but I'm also way more restless, because I only have mobile internet which I've been using a ton. I'm not really trying to use it less, and being bored is probably a good thing, but I wanted to spend time doing things offline like organizing my music library or writing more or developing things or even just spending more time on uni stuff but none of that actually happened. Not terrible, just not the results I was looking for. Live and learn I suppose. There isn't a quick and easy way to to the things I want. Which I suppose I should've expected but alas. \n\nI got super drunk on Friday night after bouldering at Jonathon and Jeremy's place. It was really fun, but me and jeremy got kinda heated playing resistance. I'm still kinda salty about it tbh. I guess it's better that I don't remember what happened but it was pretty funny. Jeremy baited me so hard and he totally won the disagreement but it was pretty funny overall. Jonathon pulled me to the side and was basically like calm down bro its okay, but I was so stressed about it oh gosh. Me and jj have been getting into tiffs more lately and I'm not surprised by this, but we remain good friends regardless I hope. I was pretty cheesed at him, but now less so. I think it's good that games can get us to be like that, but maybe we shouldn't go so far. \n\nSince I got so drunk on Friday, it meant that I spent all of yesterday recovering. I was so fucked, I couldn't really do anything. I woke up around 3pm with a massive headache (I woke up once before but after peeing went right back to bed) and made some migs and hopped right back into bed. I then woke up around 6pm, got pizza from dominioes, ate that and was back in bed again around 8pm. \n\nThis meant that I woke up super early today, which actually turned out to be a good thing. I went to the gym really early, read a bunch, and then meditated and when I was getting coffee bumped into Cammy and Caitlin. I'm really digging my aesthetic today and they liked it too. Caitlin described it as \"living my best divorced life\" which I can get behind. I wish I could add pictures here (another thing for Yaad) but I'm looking pretty swaggy if I say so myself. Later today I'm heading down to Tabs' place for Logan's birthday party which should be good fun (which is why I'm dressed the way I am) and then after that I'll be going for board games at Cammy's place hopefully. Today has already been a good day and I'm looking forward to the rest of it happening. ",
|
||
"title": "30th September 2018 at 12:02",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180930021323104",
|
||
"created": "20180930020213129"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "This is a dream from Saturday when I was really hungover.\n\nI was in some sort of hotel room and there had been what appeared to be a suicide from somebody jumping out of the window. There was a detective and this other girl, who I remember waking up cuddled next to. After seeing the broken glass and broken tree on the ground I was somewhat upset (the person jumping was someone I knew?) but the girl I was with calmed me down and we went on a walk. I remember walking through a garden or park holding hands with her and feeling better and happier. We walked down into the sun, or at least some very bright light after which I woke up. \n\nEven though this was a sad dream, I woke up happy. This seems to be happening fairly frequently for me. ",
|
||
"title": "30th September 2018 at 12:15",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180930021745015",
|
||
"created": "20180930021512544"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm beginning to enjoy work again. I'm excited about that. I think not having suraj harrass me makes the work much more pleasant. I had fun messing with the templates and the data and the queries. Having control of the whole workflow makes it so much easier... I have no idea why we're using nested lists, it's such an awful dumb idea. But oh well, nothing I can do about that. Work has also given me a good excuse to pick up tools I didn't need before. Today I learnt about jq and how to use it, which was cool. \nI really do enjoy programming, it's very fun. But I often forget that I have the power to decide things, since I have been inducted into the technical priesthood. I can look under the hood, and understand how things work and nothing is beyond me. I keep forgetting that, or not utilizing it. I think part of it is that I was so coddled as a child. I didn't know any better and left it to those that did. Another part of it is laziness, I think. But this is something I want to change and work on. And I think the more I do it, the more familiar I will become with continuing to be able to do it. This is why I admire Devine, because he's always able to take things apart and put them back again. That's really what I want to emulate. ",
|
||
"title": "30th September 2020 at 23:29",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200930133439086",
|
||
"created": "20200930132901913"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm having such a good time at chadpad rn",
|
||
"title": "31st December 2018 at 21:54",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181231115503515",
|
||
"created": "20181231115439911"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so in the last one i was talking about how i upset mike, and so today i apologized and he said i didnt even wake him up and theres no need to apologize LMAOOOOO\n\nwhy does this always happen to me?? 😩😂",
|
||
"title": "31st July 2019 at 00:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190730142209850",
|
||
"created": "20190730142124947"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "It's been quite a while since my last entry so I guess I'll try to catch things up. \nI failed godmode may because I at first thought I missed 2 of my classes, but it turns out I didn't and then since I failed I fapped and then when I checked my email later that night it turns out that I didn't have one of my classes and didn't actually fail. It was the worst. But alright whatever I got over it. \n\nSince then I've had a bunch of assignments due, and have been grinding pretty much non-stop to get them done. I finally submitted my last one yesterday, but then of course because I didn't actually finish the implementation phase of my research project that came to bite me in the butt today. But now I have a list of websites and I emailed Peter and Roger about it so it should be fine. I also cleared out a bunch of my browser tabs but I still have quite a few left. But that's fine, that's kinda the way I like it. \n\nI also didn't go to the gym much over the past week, and as a result I was feeling kinda down about it, so I went on Wednesday and today and feel much better. Going to the gym really is an essential part of keeping up my mental health. I should also probably get back to sleeping before 11, since I've been going to bed around 2am most nights since I spend most my time talking to Parul. I think she's not going to come visit me anymore. Possibly as a result of being convinced by that (it's not certain yet), I think I'm beginning to get over her again. It may be unrelated to that, but I think it's true. I don't think I'm as crazy about her as I was even a week ago. But so it goes I suppose.\n\nOn Saturday I met Jeremy and we bought a carton of mixed beers and ended up spending like $87 each! It was a lot of money but it was sooo worth it. We tried a whole bunch of them and rated them and had a really great time. Jeremy couldn't believe that the sour beers were just beer, but I really loved them. Sour beers are my jam tbh, they taste just like cider and I love that. Even though we only got through one level of Halo I really enjoy just hanging out and talking with him. It's also a bit weird though, because he keeps bringing up the honorary aryan thing, and I don't think he's joking about that. I think he could be a nazi. It's weird being friends with a nazi, if it's fair to call him that (which I'm not sure it is). I guess I choose not to think about it too much, but if god forbid it did come to that, I don't think we could be friends, in fact I think it'd be worse, I think we'd be enemies. Kinda sad to think about that. \n\nHmm, I guess another thing that happened is Tanvir and Aathira broke up. They broke up for good reasons though because they wanted different things out of their relationship and it wasn't either of their faults. They're thinking of having a break up party. I think that's really funny. I hope the best for him to be honest, he's a good friend of mine. \n\nI guess that's everything? Oh wait no, I'm missing today. Jonathan came over and we jammed out to Mardy Bum for a while. It was a lot of fun and im glad Jonathan pushed me to both get a keyboard and keep playing. It was definitely worth it, even if just for the couple of hours a week we spend practising and playing together. it allows us to remain friends and hang out even outside of melee and i do enjoy his company. ",
|
||
"title": "31st May 2018 at 22:33",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180531125648327",
|
||
"created": "20180531123346744"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for getting time off. Even though there was a couple things I had to do today, for the most part I got to do fuck all, and I'm really grateful for that, it's amazing to be able to do that even just some of the time, if it's on a weekday. ",
|
||
"title": "31st May 2018 at 22:56",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180531125749227",
|
||
"created": "20180531125650672"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been meaning to write here for a while, but ive been putting it off for a while. since tiddlydesktop isnt compiled for nix, i havent been using curve, and typing on line isnt pleasant i keep putting off. and since i keep putting it off, my feelings also keep changing. anyways here we are with me writing.\n\nive been spending a lot a lot of time with Riya. i think im beginning to recognize that when i feel unproductive i get grumpy and cranky and since i spend basically all my time with her i get grumpy when i dont get time to myself. im impressed that i have met her everyday since we first met (exactly a week ago now) and have only just begun to get grumpy. i like her a lot and thats terrifying. but also yesterday i noticed how she was being really clingy and that bothered me. she kept being like its fine if you dont come over (i was hanging out at home with keith, henry, ben and caitlin) just have fun with your friends, but she was also obviously mad (and told me so today) which really bothered me. im also going down to the coast with her this weekend which i am nervous about if im being totally honest. i think i should take a small break from seeing her, not only because i need time to myself and to be productive, but also because im starting not to enjoy our time together. my habits have gone dowm the drain. i think a big part of it is whenever we hang out we just laze around in bed, which is fun and i enjoy it, but i also dont want that to become the norm for us. i want to do other things so that i can feel productive even when im with her. maybe then ill be able to better differentiate between when i want time alone and when i want to feel productive, because rn i have to use my lil time alone to be productive and that makes me feel restricted\n\ni think that basically sums up my feelings at this moment",
|
||
"title": "31st May 2020 at 12:05",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200531021514829",
|
||
"created": "20200531020527723"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "feels like it's gonna be another bad sleep night. I've been having a lot of those lately which is not good. i imagine its to do with depression and stress but I'm not so sure. i still keep thinking about sarayu and it fucking sucks. I know she doesn't like me that much (if at all) and here i am tripping up about her for the 3rd night in a row. and even if she does like me (even if only a little) she literally just broke up with troy (i know i said this last time too) there's no way to expect her to be okay with or wanting to hook up. and then even if we did hook up there's very little we could do to be together. and that's really the crux of it. it's entirely and totally doomed and it's like i enjoy hurting myself or self sabotaging or generally just being a coward by somehow repeatedly falling in love with women i cant be with on the other side of the planet rather than try to find some one close to me. I keep thinking about all the ways she could say no and all the different outcomes like maybe we start making out and she decides we shouldn't. and then we just cuddle or hold hands or maybe we dont i go to find another bed. and then when i leave sf i text her wishing i was still with her instead of far away again. what's most likely to happen though, is nothing at all and we just hang out like friends like we always do and i dont bring up the courage to talk to her about any of this and i go on my merry way. I dont know what would be worse.\nof course because im actually a self destructive masochist, i still am not sure if i really want to be with her and her familiarity or if im just terribly lonely and projecting my desire for compainship onto a close friend that hasn't given up on me. ughhhhh this is classic me, i need to figure my shit out as always. \nthough even i have to admit if we magically somehow did end up together, the story we would tell our kids (look at me so easily i give up on not wanting children when it comes to her) would be absolutely adorable and the romantic in me loves that. ughhhhhhhhhhhh. lol. i think i need a hug. \n\ngosh i sound like such a dweeb going on about this woman. how did this happen and why is it always me? lmao. \n\ntime to try and sleep again, i think thats enough writing. ",
|
||
"title": "31st October 2018 at 00:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181030132835754",
|
||
"created": "20181030131511983"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "feeling low again but this time i know the reasons. i tooted about it on masto but i wanted to write it down here in more detail as a hopefully cathartic measure so lets see if it helps. \n\nim sad because ramee was berating me for not helping out during our assignment. and y'know thats totally fair i didnt contribute anything, kept saying i would help and didnt communicate clearly. ill cop that. but i still feel bad about it. \nthen i started reading a thread about developer salaries on hn and because im privlegded person the value comp was actually kinda depressing and idk if i want to do this anymore and being a modern human is hard.\n\nokay this isnt helping and its just bumming me out more so im gonna stop. ",
|
||
"title": "31st October 2018 at 22:40",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181031120344628",
|
||
"created": "20181031114005294"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today an old lady stopped me on the way to work to ask if I knew where the post office was. I said sure of course and walked her to it. It felt really nice to have someone ask for help and then be able to help them. I'm grateful for that. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd April 2018 at 12:19",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180403022033442",
|
||
"created": "20180403021918296"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i haven't written in here for almost a month, and that is by intentional choice. given the state of the world i was trying to keep my negative thoughts away from my forever-log but here we are. pandemic panic is a thing, and one that i am struggling with, but i try to keep an eye out for the silver lining. i want to say more, but the words just dont come",
|
||
"title": "3rd April 2020 at 22:10",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200403111925769",
|
||
"created": "20200403111057520"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Ufff man I'm tired today. I didn't get enough sleep last night because I was out with Brown Squad. I had a good time but got exhausted towards the end because of all the new people (Arham, Amaz, Tanvir and a couple others?) We mostly just smoked a fuck ton of weed. But it was fun meeting new people that maybe I'll see around. But yeah, since I was so tired I cancelled on Wibbles (we were gonna play music together today). \n\nI've also been thinking a lot about my information diet and slowing down consumption. I spend a lot of time that I don't want to either on Mastodon or HN or just reading articles that I don't really care about. I've got such a huge collection of data in all forms that I couldn't possibly consume, and that's fine, but I want to decide upon what I do consume and how much of it and how much I spend on creating. Not consuming at all may turn out to not be a viable strategy as getting in my head too much can lead to bad consequences.",
|
||
"title": "3rd August 2018 at 21:31",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180803113844221",
|
||
"created": "20180803113115654"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today i changed slightly how i use my digital infrastructure, mostly task warrior and it led to me being way more productive. I'm trying to follow the GTD method more closely and am actively going through and dating my tasks so i have the next 3 or 4 days set up so i can come home from work and knock out the things i wanna do. the problem with productivity isn't a lack of time, but instead a lack of focus. If i can solve that I'll be much better able to achieve all the things i want to. \n\nhowever because of this, my web browser has been exploding with tabs. similar to how im focusing my time, having fewer distractions would help. i think my biggest one by far is mastodon now. since slack has been dead lately (woah that's a good story to tell) i mostly go between masto and hn. i sometimes go through my rss feeds but for one the gif viewer is broken on my phone and going through my browser is way too distracting on desktop so i havent been checking that lately. I have suuuch a huge dump of data just across the board and more constantly available but also coming at me. I need to trim the fat for sure. \n\nfinally today work wasn't that bad. there was actually shit going on and it felt nice to have some stuff to do and feel like I'm helping even if i made a few mistakes. but I'm learning and helping. I've also decided to be more productive with my time there and instead of mindlessly checking hn all the time, I'm going to try and do things i actually want to. so I'm bringing my laptop and working on stuff. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd July 2018 at 23:41",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180703135029337",
|
||
"created": "20180703134106674"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for having actual work to do at work. even though i made some mistakes, feeling like i actually contribute to the team makes my time there feel much less useful. i also wrote a story today about the way i feel about work. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd July 2018 at 23:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180703135133697",
|
||
"created": "20180703135031662"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "continuing to feel defeated and upset and sad\n\nidk why and theres so many reasons:\n\n* asd watching\n* covid\n* no job\n* riots in US\n* not enough alone time\n* fear of moving\n* missed 2 calls from private number probs related to work\n\ni have no energy to do productive things and its making me upset. i keep getting harder and harder on myself and idk how to stop. im exhausted. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd June 2020 at 15:42",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200603054457668",
|
||
"created": "20200603054242757"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm really grateful for being able to go to Enlighten with some friends and some people i hadnt met before. i had a great time. I'm actually kinda keen to go again and see everything in depth. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd March 2018 at 01:54",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180302145557419",
|
||
"created": "20180302145439876"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh, so much has happened. This is such an old copy on this computer. I haven't connected it to the internet and now I have. I fucked up my phone which is why I'm using this. \n\nThe thing in particular I wanted to write about is re-reading my blog. I decided to do this because I got an email from Anushka who I met last night for the first time. It's big red flags (or a really good thing?) that she actually went through the effort of emaliing me. It means she must've looked me up, found my post and then my website, and probably read through it too, so I decided to as well. I'm very impressed by the way it held up from my analysis of that particular perspective. It's difficult to write a site for everyone, but I'm proud of everything up there. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd March 2019 at 01:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190302145627069",
|
||
"created": "20190302145110404"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i cant sleep at all so i decided to come back and write more because there's a lot on my mind hahahah. i actually wanted to write a blog post about going ~phoneless for a month, or at least get it started in the hopes that it would tire me but I read Anushka's email again and still just cant believe it hahahaha omg. i really am a great catch. Anshul and Ishan (I really like him) have taken to calling me a Tiger and I totally dig it hahaha. i can totally relate to crawling around in the background watching carefully, until im totally ready to strike, and then I rarely miss and everyone is amazed. okay maybe that's enough feeling myself because some fucking girl (who's probably going to break my heart anyway) sent me a fricking email HAHAHAH. hahahaha i just browsed facebook again because of her. god she's actually gorgeous. she's gonna fuckin wreck my heart i can already tell. but im kinda excited by that? its been a long time since ive been excited about a girl after having met her more than once. its fun and im honestly just here for the ride. god im such a loser.\n\n...and i just remembered the point i opened facebook was for the party im planning on throwing this saturday. i did it! i only got distracted and went anushkas facebook after that. im hopeless!!! also she knows divya!!!!! how crazy is that, i get totally similar vibes from the both of them. they went to the prague international school together. that place seriously does something to people, its very interesting. \n\n...and then i ended up on charlys facebook page and ughhhh the heart strings are pulling in full force tonight. its fucking 5am now and i really should go to sleep, but i feel like i havent got my alone time so i havent yet. i also think i personally am an example against jj's theory of women only fucking upwards, (and hell, even cammy is) because (not only because im feeling myself for getting an email from almost certainly the hottest girl at the party, oh god i still cant believe it whats wrong with me, why am i such a hopeless romantic) even though im a ctach and a half, both her and charly were wayyyy out of my league. they could basically have any boy they wanted. and yet they chose me. hahahahahah, im just fucking awesome.\n\nokay enough feeling myself time to go the fuck to sleep, hopefully that'll be enough to make me fall asleep, though perhaps using the computer was a bad idea. i guess we'll find out",
|
||
"title": "3rd March 2019 at 03:52",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190302175634014",
|
||
"created": "20190302165234570"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i am grateful for:\n\n* bagels\n* good new music to listen to and discover\n* chocolate",
|
||
"title": "3rd May 2020 at 23:08",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200507092152489",
|
||
"created": "20200503130814574"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today has been a hectic day but its now gonna be over soon. i had 2 exams that i hopefully passed both and spent the rest of the day being high with Tanvir. it was alright but i wish i didnt get so high and do nothing all the time. \n\nim actually looking forward to (and also am nervous about) the coming weeks in a way i havent been in a long time. thats good. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd November 2018 at 02:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181102155228436",
|
||
"created": "20181102155135121"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "yesterday during bouldering I bumped into Luung and he made me mad/depressed. I said hi and his face instantly turned sour like he didnt want to see me, and then begrugingly said \"how's it going\" but i just walked away. fuck that shit, im not putting up with your bullshit if you're not gonna respect my basic dignitiy. and this then reminded me of that old white fuck at Leon's gig who wouldn't look me in the eyes, shake my hands or basically acknowledge my existence. fuck that cunt. im still mad about it. i've seen him around a couple times after that and fuck him. and this then led me to thinking about parul and how she made me mad as well by only telling me that i was making her sad after she had been seeing some boy. like she didnt know all along. \n\nall of these together get me mad in a way i havent been in a very long time, if ever. very mad. like they all didnt respect my basic humanity and still expect things from me. fuck that shit. \n\nhah, writing this was cathartic. im not as mad anymore. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd October 2018 at 14:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181003055821200",
|
||
"created": "20181003045705040"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today Pearl \"broke up\" with me, even though we never really were together. She finally came to tge decision that us being in limbo fucking sucked and that she wanted to do something about it. I respect her decision, even though I don't really feel the same way. But that's fine, I dont have to feel the same way to respect her choice. But it does make me sad. I'm wondering if it's worth getting back on Tinder now and hope for the best. I don't know if i will or if it's a good idea, but doing nothing isn't really a solution either. I suppose I'll figure something out. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd September 2018 at 16:59",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180903070402478",
|
||
"created": "20180903065939370"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im high rn and am certainly over thinking things, but i did also fuck up. i forgot my eye mask. i didnt invite russy and alexa to hand like i did with gerd and tsering... i wish i did. but the eye mask thing really pissed me off. its weird that i would invite them up in their own house? they know im here. no, i defs couldve sent them a message, just to be nice, not a huge deal, but something to do next time :) \n\nim glad i wrote that out. i feel alot better now. god i love this keyboard... :) helps me think clearlymeven when my mind is racing. but now its the good kind. ",
|
||
"title": "3rd September 2020 at 23:06",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200903131109226",
|
||
"created": "20200903130606404"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for being tfol, and being appreciated in slack. I'm actually too powerful there now, I've single handedly been bringing general to a halt. It makes me laugh a lot and today Jack and Caelan appreciated my LARPing. It's really fun. I may have to give it up soon though. It's too powerful. Nihlisim.",
|
||
"title": "4th April 2018 at 21:26",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180404113452221",
|
||
"created": "20180404112637305"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Work is killing me. I'm really beginning to hate it. I'm looking at other opportunities now. I really regret Aaron talking me out of applying to Insta Clustr. I don't care about the clearance because I don't want to stay in Australia. I think I decided that recently. Looking at the money I've earnt and thinking about what I could spend it on, the one that appeals to me the most is moving to Canada. I'll probably need quite a bit of money to do that, and I don't know how much. But it means I'm gonna have to grit my teeth and bear it. It does build character and work ethic. Having to juggle university and work and artifex and gym and piano is too much. I have to focus on what I want. So I think I'm also going to tell Wibbs that I can't really practice anymore and so there won't be much point in us playing together. Maybe I'll take it up again in the break. I kinda want to. But I want to make electronic music. I don't really want to only play the piano. So that's that. I need to be more disciplined. I'm still kind of understanding what the work force is like, especially in the government and it has been an eye opener for me. People pretty much just stay in the same job forever. I'm not sure I could do that. In fact, I actively won't do that. I want to be more independant. Find a cheaper place and pay for it. I'm not entirely sure why though. Maybe I don't want that. I think I'm going to try and wake up a bit earlier tomorrow and get some work done. I really need to. I'm way behind on 4660. I need to do more things for my research project. I'm just so pooped after working all day. The worst part is the work environment is horrible for me to focus. \n\n\"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger\"\n\nI'm also not going to buy weed for a while, so that I stop smoking, or at least stop smoking as much. I'm not sure what I'll do around friends. I'll still be cutting back. It's a hard thing to commit to, but I'm going to. I have to find ways to replace it with something else instead of trying not to think about it. I'm sure I'll come up with something though. \n\nI had thoughts about being in an ivory tower of my own construction waiting for someone to save me but I decided that I didn't want to write it down. \n\nI also finished Shantaram last night!! I fucking loved it. It was unbelievably good and I learnt so much from it. I love India a lot more because of it. But now I'm not sure what to read next. ",
|
||
"title": "4th April 2018 at 21:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180404114003275",
|
||
"created": "20180404112850759"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "This is about the dream I had last night, it was perhaps the most hectic dream I've ever been in (holy fick everry time i swipe im getting 2 words and its very annoying, would love an atreus for moments like this) which makes sense because today has been a very hectic day for me too.\n\nanyway in the dream I was a part of some sort of fascist cult or had been taken prisnor or something. you weren't allowed anything in this cult. no drugs, no smoking, no alcohol, no phone, no internet, no fancy things, no sex no nothing. it was very oppressive and for months i hardly even opened my mouth, when one night while walking somewhere with Mael of all people, someone offers us a ciggie, and Mael smokes one. almost in minutes of him starting, the leaders of our cult come and take him and i know he is executed. because of this, a revolutionary group within the cult contacts me and invites me to their graveyard for their friends. i start hanging out there more with them when something like that happens. then a very popular member got executed for some reason, and lotslots of people ended up at the graveyard and the cult found out and used wizards (in the harry potter sense, expecto patronus and all) to kill them from afar. I saw this because i wanted to leave the graveyard early for some reason. also i say graveyard but ofc there were no bodies there, it was more of a temple, a place to remember the forgotten, and was covered in artifacts and letters from those still living to keep memories of those gone. anyways i saw the wizards pick off tons of people in the graveyard and decided to hatch a plan. we somehow got a big ass UFO to come get us not so far from the headquarters of the cult (the graveyard was v far) but it slightly crashed on landing and so couldn't take off again. instead we used it to browse thethe internetinternet and store data on CDs. shortly after that i awoke ",
|
||
"title": "4th April 2019 at 04:43",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190403175414836",
|
||
"created": "20190403174303921"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "now about my day. its been a rollercoaster of emotions. we had the COMP4550 assignment (a simple linear regression /classification on a twitter dataset) but we (Manchit and I) hadn't really done any of it and were freaking out. then we went to one of his friends house and he helped us and we actually got it all done which was incredible because we thought we'd fail and came this close to ot submitting anything. i think we'll actually pass now which is huge!! \n\nthen i also had to deal with Aarons job offer and was caught between talking and emailing recruiting firms and doing the assignment, but i also managed to get that done \n\nit doesnt feel like i accomplished much though, because there's still 2 more assignments to do, im behind on uni in general, and have a mile long list of chores i have to work through. i really should take it one day at a time and consider today a victory (even though i got high) \n\nhah i think i will now. \n\ni hope it doesnt impact tomorrow 🙄",
|
||
"title": "4th April 2019 at 04:54",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190403175937248",
|
||
"created": "20190403175419348"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* work (suprisingly enough)\n* visiting HSBNE\n* reading during the day\n* talking with riya\n* Morning climbing\n* Doing laundry\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Not asking Riya to take a break\n* Talking with my friends\n* Doing home projects\n* Accumulating too much internet things to look at\n* Finding out my laptop is getting p scuffed\n* other non-laundry life admin things\n\nWhat can I do better tomorrow:\n\n* Do a task\n* Be creative? \n* Start work earlier! Don't be lazy! Don't get distracted! \n* Stop browsing the internet so much and consume the content instead\n* Wach a hope talk instead of the office at lunch\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* (HOPEFULLY) getting my phone tomorrow\n* not fighting with riya\n* the office\n* Seeing someone blacksmith irl\n* Ona Raspberry Cream coffee beans",
|
||
"title": "4th August 2020 at 23:14",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200804131922884",
|
||
"created": "20200804131409018"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "It feels like I've been meaning to break up with Riya, or at least take a break and write a pros and cons list about continuing to date her to get a better idea of whether i really want to go through with it. I feel like she's become a chore and doesn't make me happy and i keep tricking myself into believing it because i say it a lot. I'm really at a loss for what to do. I keep drawing up a \"The wrost things about Riya\" list, but that seems like a terrible idea. I want to talk with Tanu about it and see if I can get some clarity. Also for some reason the comment tanvir made about my hair (\"bleaching out the indian\") hurt me and I keep thinking about it. I think I'll have to do something to make it grayer, because the current blonde-ness of it is something i decidedly don't seem to like it anymore. Perhaps because of that comment :( but thats okay ",
|
||
"title": "4th August 2020 at 23:19",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200804132216892",
|
||
"created": "20200804131926138"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i had a strange dream last night. i was at some sort of house warming for a place where me jj and cammy where moving into, and all my tisb friends were there. i kept hanging out with each of them and talking about our relationship and history. i cant remember exactly everyone i talked to but there was nandu, shuki, ashmita, tuneer, sriram and many nore. there was this undercurrent that was uncomfortable. this is something ive noticed since coming to brisbane more often and the thing that has put it to the forefront of my mind is being high. im not quite sure how to deal with it, but its certainly something im aware of",
|
||
"title": "4th July 2020 at 09:21",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200703232615871",
|
||
"created": "20200703232106834"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i was grateful for the day off. i didnt do anything really productive, in fact i didnt do much at all and I'm grateful for that. it may not exavtly have been what i wanted, but i also was unsure of what that is. and I'm happy i dont have to always have it figured out for things to be okay. ",
|
||
"title": "4th March 2018 at 23:52",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180304125313098",
|
||
"created": "20180304125208313"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh\n*sigh* \nToday Parul told me she loved me. I guess I should've seen it coming, especially since I was teasing her about how I love her inspite of her personality and because she's so sexy. I'm not really sure how I feel about this. My initial reaction was basically just \"Fuck...\". Mostly because we can't be together and it's driving me crazy, but also because I'm having doubts about what it would mean if she did actually come here. Even just the fact that she said it kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but maybe I'm just getting in my head too much. Nothing is going to happen though, because nothing can happen. She's not willing to trade in her visa to come to Australia (which is reasonable) and I can't just up and leave uni and work to go see her (and also because America sucks, but that's a different story). \n\nAsides from that mess, the day has been alright. I went to work, and then the gym, and then watched jj play FFX. I really need to be able to study/do assignments after work but I always just dick around instead. Spend a lot of time on masto/slack shitposting or just reading dumb articles on the internet. Day by day I will improve. That's what matters. I can do that. Godmode May is still going strong and I achieved my fitness goal this week already, which is nice. I've been doing all the others as well. So looking well for the Month of May, even though it's going to be very difficult between work, assignments and godmode. But that's what godhood is. ",
|
||
"title": "4th May 2018 at 22:54",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180505123344432",
|
||
"created": "20180504125415492"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i spent a lot of time ricing my setup today. in gonna have to study tomorrow instead of continuing to dick around on my computer heaps hahaha. but that's okay i had a lot of fun messing with it today. im mostly playing around with vim and i moved back to urxvt. i want to change the colors, see if transparency is something im interested in for terminals, and try out taskwiki to see if it works for me. ive missed ricing a lot. ",
|
||
"title": "4th November 2018 at 04:58",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181103180050811",
|
||
"created": "20181103175807038"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": " what awaits on the other side of tomorrow?\n\nfreedom?\ndespair? \n\ntime will tell",
|
||
"title": "4th November 2019 at 01:02",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200130095832774",
|
||
"created": "20200130095824282"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i guess the best place to start is that im stoned. \n\nso very stoned.\n\nand now im done. university is over. forever.\nits such a strange feeling, i dont even know how to feel. everything stayed the same yet everythings different. \nmasters?\njob?\nindia?\nkorea + hk?\nlife???\n\nso many questions. so many choices. ahead of me lies the rest of my time. its not my birthday but i feel so much older. different and yet the same.",
|
||
"title": "4th November 2019 at 19:30",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191104083458195",
|
||
"created": "20191104083012349"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I woke up angry today. I was shouting in my dream and very mad about something. Very very mad. Something about boats and travelling? I don't really remember. Big Bua was there and I remember yelling at her very obnoxiously. It was kinda scary to see myself like that. Especially yelling at someone who's passed away that I loved a lot. \nThis anger after waking up eventually turned into sadness like it usually does. I wonder why that happens. Like I don't know how to be angry and have a temper. It always just turns into intense sadness. \n\nand now i dont know what to do with myself.",
|
||
"title": "4th October 2018 at 12:57",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181004031023394",
|
||
"created": "20181004025701091"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "so much is happening right now and though (probably because) i feel like i orchestrated something i wasnt prepared for. it feels like i keep doing thisthis on accident because of lack of foresight ",
|
||
"title": "5th April 2019 at 22:35",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190405113626911",
|
||
"created": "20190405113543498"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today has been a productive Sunday after a bit of a bender on Friday and Saturday, which are both worthy of their own entry (highlights: housr party and kavita hitting on me 😏 for friday and xans and dinner at Tabs' with her mum on Saturday) but this is the day i choose to write and so this is the one that shall live on in history\n\nin the morning we went to the Kingston markets and we bought some new prints and i got some plants and then we went to cammys place to get the leafblower and some more plants and then we went to ikea to get some frames and a coat rack and then we came home and cleared the leaves out back and brought in a couch and rug (from cammys storage) to my room and then I made a little succulent garden and another pot full of them and then met nikhil for dinner and showed him my new place and had some really good and fun conversation and then i had to do some chores and now im in bed about to sleep because i have work early tomorrow which is a pain but also fine\n\nit's been a great day 😁",
|
||
"title": "5th August 2019 at 00:55",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084607329",
|
||
"created": "20191009084556938"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today on the way back from work i met a very old woman who kept talking to me because i offered to help her with her bags. we talked about all sorts of things generally philosophy and politics though, and though she was polite and civil, she certainly had some fascist ideas about who deserves to be alive and born and stuff.\n\nbut talking to strangers on the bus is a heap of fun",
|
||
"title": "5th August 2019 at 23:33",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191009084542152",
|
||
"created": "20191009084527627"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I had really odd dreams last night. I don't remember all of it and I'm not sure if it was a nightmare, but here goes. It seemed like I was back in school but me and about 4 other people from school were sitting in the back of a car. I remember Sarayu and Anika were there but the others also seemed like school friends. I cant remember why (I think it was driven by conversation rather than just chaos) but I decided to open the door. Anika was sitting by it and got sucked out the moment I opened it. I looked out the door and she was tumbling along the empty road. I remember panic and then jumped out behind her in a vain attempt to save her. The car drove away. The scene ended.\nThere was some stuff that happened in between and I was feeling terrible for what I did to Anika, but eventually got over it. \nThe next scene I remember was again back in school kinda? and we were watching a movie and sitting on the floor. I remember Se Joon was there and we started passing around a joint. I remember getting nervous because the teacher was quite close (and for some reason I related it to people I didn't know in authority positions like the Australian govt?) and I got really worried and paranoid and my friends didn't seem to care and just continued smoking and laughing.\n\nTalk about representational dreams...",
|
||
"title": "5th July 2018 at 07:50",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180704223951200",
|
||
"created": "20180704215032609"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i feel hollow today after work. im not quite sure how to explain it but i dont really know what to do with myself today. it seems leaving myself too few tasks on the list might have had something to do with it? I intended to go to the gym and then to pick up but my plans fell through and I never did end up going to the gym. odd. ",
|
||
"title": "5th July 2018 at 22:39",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180705124028533",
|
||
"created": "20180705123904134"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was my first exam, Networks and it was the one I was most worried about. i think i passed but I'm not too sure how well I did tbh. I hope i passed. Hmm, I'm trying to remember what the rest of the week has been like but I'm coming up short. oh well, i guess it doesn't matter that much. i probably can't remember as much because I've been getting high. but now I'm all out of weed so glhf i guess. ",
|
||
"title": "5th June 2018 at 21:56",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180605115831571",
|
||
"created": "20180605115624303"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today is my birthday. but for all intents and purposes it was just another day. I know birthdays give us something to celebrate and that we should take time to enjoy things, but i was really restless today. I was kinda upset too. idk what it really was. I also lost my headphone case and it made me really sad. I looked for it for so long and still didn't find it. I'm gonna try and find it tomorrow",
|
||
"title": "5th March 2018 at 23:52",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180305125431131",
|
||
"created": "20180305125246348"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today was a nice day. In the morning Yayu and Tanu called me and we chatted for a bit. Apparently they spoke about my dick, which I thought was kinda funny. I kinda wish I was able to make a joke about it, but I was kinad caught off gaurd by it. I guess I should've expected that tbh, and I kinda wonder how it came up. Yayu's always pulling my leg about that time we kissed, and how I don't remember it (though I kinda do now? It's a bit odd I guess, perhaps I was lying when I told her that), and she's really flirty as always. I don't know how I feel about it. I wouldn't say I wish she wasn't but it doesn't help that she's dating Troy (not that that really matters since we couldn't be together anyway, and I'm not even sure I'd want that; ugh, lonliness is a terrible curse) and I guess I'm just going to be nonchalant about it. I don't think I really have any other choice. I do enjoy being friends with her. \n\nAfter that Jeremy picked me up and we went to the vape store to buy him some batteries and I picked up a charger and case for myself. We got GYG because they had $5 beers and burritos. Today was also the first day I tried L-Theanine. I'd say it made a mild difference to my focus, but I did get really tired towards the end of the day. We picked up Clare and met Aaron at the Cartier exhibition. That was pretty interesting. I had a nice time there. There's something I want to say but I won't write down for fear of it coming true, even though nothing really happened and it was just a vibe. Anyways, after that we went to a building by some architect, I can't remember who, that was really cool. It was like a hollow mound with lots of water around and in there, there was a huge conical place to sit. If you stood in the middle your voice would echo a ton, and it's almost as though you could hear yourself from behind. If you weren't in the middle it echo'd everywhere and was very discordant. It was really cool. \n\nAfter that me and Aaron left and got food at Match and spoke about jobs and things as we tend to do. Then qf scored $2k worth of Uber eats coupons and Russy bought me dinner! I'm so grateful to have generous friends that care about me. It's really sweet. ",
|
||
"title": "5th May 2018 at 22:33",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180505131751908",
|
||
"created": "20180505123346160"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been depressed again today and it sucks. i just want to sleep the day away and hate being awake. i didnt really get any studying done but i managed to print out all the slides after much effort. heck, i didnt even manage to get all the slides printed, i had to skip the first part (Information Retrieval for my Document Analysis exam tomorrow) because I wasnt able to get it to be readable with more than one slide per page, something really funky going on that i dont know what.\n\nI was gonna toot about how i dont know how to behave normally anymore, because i was so stoned yesterday and couldnt come up with things to say. but even generally i play the \"so excite\" card for super mundane things all the time because its the polar opposite of when im depressed and even truly fantastical things are meaningless and dont elicite any joy. I dont know why i feel this way, and probs being more comfortable with myself would fix it?? can you even fix something spawend by depression? i wonder. \n\ni was wishing for a laptop with a split keyboard design kinda like the atrieus. that would be cool. i really like split keyboards theyre dope. but its never gonna happen haha. ",
|
||
"title": "5th November 2018 at 00:44",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181104134956819",
|
||
"created": "20181104134404249"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "LOLOL yesterday we (me + manya) were hanging out at tanvir's place and his friend shaheem called me hrithik roshan too! since ive been cutting lately ive been looking hella fine so it feels hella good to get that validation. it may or may not be getting to my head a little bit hahahah\n\nasides from that i really didnt enjoy how clingy manya was while we were hanging out. she seems to be really clingy especially in group social situations which is when it bothers me the most. to be fair though, the rest of us were all guys and she did say she was feeling very out of place. but ive noticed it elsewhere as well and i dont like it. I'm going to have to have a talk with her about it. \n\nin other news i'm going to the ekta ball today. i gotta go get ready right after this. im looking forward to it but ive been to soooo many parties lately and they're all with the ABD squad which is fine but also kinda tiring now. should be a good time though so like whatever. \n\ni may also have a lil ting to make it a bit more enjoyable ;) \nbought a bag of coke that ive been enjoying maybe a bit too much. \n\nive also finally gotten around to doing the daily programming problems and they're far easier than i thought. im able to solve most of them quite simply (or at least solve the base version easily) which has been a nice boost too. i think im going to do the triplebyte interview soon.\n\ni also am upset that my fucking fx tec pro 1 hasn't shipped yet, they keep delaying it. they now say for sure it'll ship after mid october which makes getting it a lil difficult, depending on when i go to korea. i'm really excited about it still. im also just about to pull the trigger on the onyx note pro which im also keen for. while trying to solve programming problems i need something to write on, and i kinda just like the aesthetic for them. i also bought an aeropress recently and i LOVE it. i dont know why i didnt switch to making my own coffee sooner, it's such a vibe and very much enjoyable. i think i may even end up getting a milk stirrer thingy to go with it because its v fun. i swear i drink more coffee now just because i enjoy the process of making coffee. making it myself makes it taste a lot better too imo hahah",
|
||
"title": "5th October 2019 at 17:00",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191005070653265",
|
||
"created": "20191005070000114"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm so grateful it's Friday. like holy shit, it's fucking Friday.\nI'm also really grateful that Wibbles came over and we jammed out. he taught me a lot about music theory and I had a great time just jamming out with him. I was kinda nervous about him coming over since I hadn't been practicing at all, but I had a fun time regardless. \nFinally I'm also really grateful that Stu at the Mandalay bus remembered my name and was really nice and friendly to me and even gave me 5 bucks in change when he only owed me 2 dollars. I gave him a dollar back. But it really made my day. He was really sweet. ",
|
||
"title": "6th April 2018 at 22:39",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180406145951097",
|
||
"created": "20180406123936629"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh i cant sleep once again so decided to write. this has been happening to me a lot lately. I've gone back to having trouble sleeping lately and it's really quite annoying. I'm also currently sick and was in bed for over 15 hours this morning. To further compound the badness I have a tutorial tomorrow at 10ak and a lecture at 9am. I'm sure I'll figure it out. \n\ni dont know why I've been unable to sleep at nights. I've been having a lot of productive thoughts at this time, but perhaps I'm also worried about uni. Being a solid 2 weeks behind on 3 of my subjects is not great and I have a lot of catch up work to do that though i believe I can, i may be stretched too thin to do all the things i want to do. I've been having many ideas about things i want to build and visualisation of data and stuff as well as blog posts and art pieces and stories. I've been thinking a lot about ane.ra (I'm now going to call it Yaad, as in to remember) about how blocks should be able to have arbitrarily fields (for things like date/time) but primarily focus on tags. they should also be able to be visualised or represented in many different ways and shapes. tags can be one kind of field and more can be added by the user. being able to import data from other places that allow data import would be a big one. this tool is going to be very lunar but i also want to empower users to create things rather than just consume.\n\ni lost my train earlier but i wanted to write a little about my dreams. i havent been having good dreams lately either. they're all sad and scary and not enjoyable. i guess to some degree they are nightmares but i dont know what to do about them. perhaps they're part of the reason i havent been sleeping well? I'm not sure. \n\nahhh that's right, what i was gonna say earlier was the lack of focus going on. what i need is a 4 week plan to get back on top of my shit. seems like I finally have enough shit going on that i need to quite strictly work out my days now in order to do the things i want to do? maybe not, but i certainly need more focus and having a 4 week plan is just enough time to figure my shit out i think. i think this is now my number one priority for tomorrow. tbh, i always say things like this at a time like now but i never follow through and maybe that needs to change. alright brain dump to re focus my energies on understanding what i want to accomplish. ",
|
||
"title": "6th August 2018 at 00:30",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180805144549601",
|
||
"created": "20180805143002453"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Reflections (I like this idea)\n\nHmm, let's see, what did I get up to today. I had the OS tutorial in the morning that I was fairly late to, but at least I ended up going to my first class! Small steps. I did miss the document analysis lecture this morning, but thats fine I chalk it up to being sick. During the tutorial I met Tom, a familiar face I finally got to know. Turns out we have quite a few classes in common. He seems like a nice guy and maybe we'll become friends. We hung out while eating food, since we both had information theory to go to afterwards. I liked that lecture. Bob, the lecturer is quite good at explaining probabilities and how they all work together and also kept me engaged for most of the lecture. I look forward to attending more of his lectures. We also met the person who was sitting next to us in the tutorial, her name is Arenj? She's also doing a bunch of the same courses as me and Tom. I did end up going home directly after the lecture and do kinda regret that a bit. I wish I hung out with Tom some more instead but thats fine. I ended up getting high and relaxing a bit before going to the gym and settling down. I finally did a brain dump and have a good idea of what I need to do for the next 4 weeks to stay on top of shit. But it's always easier to write lists about things than it is to do them. So here's to hoping the next 4 weeks go swimmingly. \n\nI've also blocked mastodon, dashchan and hacker news on my phone through AFWall as part of the #slowinternet idea and I feel it's already helped a lot. Not constantly engaging online really opens up so much of my time, and I don't really miss much when I'm away. I need to practice it more as I did end up going back during my break times which isnt a big deal but something I want to continue striving towards. ",
|
||
"title": "6th August 2018 at 22:00",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180806120645496",
|
||
"created": "20180806120031834"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Another strangely relevant dream.\nI was at a rooftop bar/party and Kishan and Yayu were there, amongst others. We were dancing and drinking like usual and then Yayu took me aside and we were dancing somewhere else more private and then started grinding up against me and touching me and moving my hands across her body. When I was touching her boobs Kishan walked in behind us and got soo mad. He wanted to fight and I kept not wanting to and it was like HMS2 song \"I don't dance\". There was tons of flipping and spinning and I refused to fight until I swung but then I woke up.\nIt makes me feel bad all around. ",
|
||
"title": "6th July 2018 at 08:00",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180705221448950",
|
||
"created": "20180705220045029"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Working out (morning and evening)\n* Getting chores done\n* Waking up refreshed\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Not putting in enough effort with Riya to plan things\n* Not sending out any job apps \n* Not doing any dev work\n* No creative output\n\nWhat can I do to make sure things go better tomorrow:\n\n* Send out job applications right after morning routine\n* Plan something with Riya\n* Try and wake up earlier\n* Take some time to do creative things, even if small and they go unrecorded (drawing, writing)\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Going to the Botanical Gardens markets and getting a cute plant friend\n* The lady at Big W's big smile when I asked her how she's going in response to her asking me\n* Having plants in my room\n* Having the money to buy things that I want\n* Getting to shock my family with my hair\n* Nani saying my hair doesn't look terrible\n* Cooking a perfect medium boiled egg on my first try",
|
||
"title": "6th July 2020 at 00:16",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal Review",
|
||
"modified": "20200705142729421",
|
||
"created": "20200705141602885"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Riya lately. I'm still not sure what to do about it. Given the long term meaning, whether i'm ready to settle down, being in love with her, her trying to make me a better person (which often feels controlling to me), our arguments. There's a lot to unpack. We got into an argument over something very dumb the other day, about some off hand comment she made and how I reacted to it, and then her reaction to my reaction just devolved into an argument. From that I learnt that I would like her to ask about thiings in a way that isn't controlling (don't do it, think about it a lot, do a dry run sorta deal) and instead in a more caring way (are you taking all the precautions, is there anything that would be this safer, i want the best for you) because even though I know her intentions are never malicious, it's easier to interpret them in a negative light. I think a lot of our problems come down to communication. this is a pattern i've noticed with Manya as well, is that she'll just dump her issues or problmes with me, and I'll clamp up and turtle when it comes to my problems with her. I think I struggle with expressing myself when I'm particualrly emotional, and struggle to think clearly during those times too. but this, coupled with Riya's desire for solution oriented makes it tricky, because I can't find a solution in the moment, it's easy to forget about it and not think about it later and then just not come up with a solution. So that's something I've been working towards. \n\nThe other thing is whether I can give her what she deserves/wants/needs. Whether I'm ready to just settle down and get married and do the whole she-bang. To love her and put in the same amount of effort that she does with me. i think it's fairly obvious to me that she's more in love with me than i am with her, and thats a really big problem. i think especially now that we like just exited the honeymoon phase, what does it mean for us as a couple that i'm already falling behind in loving her? what does it mean for me? that I fall out of love quickly? i don't know, and i'm working to figure it out. ",
|
||
"title": "6th July 2020 at 22:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200706130818867",
|
||
"created": "20200706125137336"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Morning routine\n* Working out in the botanical gardens\n* Sending out job apps\n* Making music\n* Hitting a lot of habits\n* Purple shampoo in my hair for 45 mins\n* Watching Haunting of Hill House with Riya\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Focused dev work on meaningful outcomes\n* Ate the same thing for both meals (Left over chicken curry)\n* Not budgeting effectively\n* Not thinking about blog or Kitaab\n* Not setting a 1thingaday\n* Lower back pain\n* Not contacting centrelink \n* Little attention given to task list\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* Space out purchases\n* Combine 1thingaday with task list \n* Decompress back in the morning\n* After doing some leetcode, try and do other dev work\n* Read SICP for better leetcoding\n* Set aside time for writing \n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Botanical gardens\n* My blonde hair\n* Chtl for helping me get my hair blonde\n* Wax melters\n* Continuing to get a flatter stomach\n* Headphones grabbing new music for me",
|
||
"title": "6th July 2020 at 23:08",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200706140400026",
|
||
"created": "20200706130821870"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm glad i got to hang out eith my friends. i always have a good time talking with Tanvir. I want to hang out and talk with my friends more. just sitting around and chatting excites me. but I'm not sure I'm able to do it with everyone. i think it's still worth trying. ",
|
||
"title": "6th March 2018 at 22:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180306115216441",
|
||
"created": "20180306115100849"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "yesterday was my birthday and i had such a good time up until it finished. i got high towards the very end after taking my friends out to dinner, and got super in my own head, and now i feel lonely as fuck.\n\nfeels like im looking at all my friends and dont even recognize them. that our connections are super weak, and in this web of relationships i lost myself. its even more absurd than just that, because the relationships that are really strong connections i keep testing until they eventually become weak as well. i keep sabotaging myself and am so self destructive. maybe im just fundamentally broken. ",
|
||
"title": "6th March 2019 at 12:48",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190306015058815",
|
||
"created": "20190306014804153"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I had the weirdest dream last night. It was me and jj (and Clare? but she left us early on?) and we jacked into some kind of VR system thing? And at first we were having fun (we were in some kind of cyberpunk mall, and were exploring that) and goofing around but at some point I arrived at some weird morphed TISB world or something and I was a bit weirded out by that (I remember distinctly saying, Wait a minute i know this place, ohh it's TISB). And I was walking around abd saw a bunch of the old teachers (but they were all NPCs) until I met some kind of man that kept asking me questions and I didn't answer all of them and kept running and/or fighting, but if I won he'd reset the world and I'd be back to where I started. Eventually I learned to get deeper into the level by avoidng him and fighting certain things and doing some stuff when I realized that the person interrogating me was actually jj, and he had betrayed not just me but a whole bunch of people and then somebody from the outside (Clare?) sent me a message on how to break free and where to meet her. And so I escaped and met the person helping me, and we discussed some stuff when jj showed up at the end and there was this huge final showdown and we broke huge sky scrapers and it was epic and we exited the VR thing after we won. ",
|
||
"title": "6th May 2018 at 10:29",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180506004151722",
|
||
"created": "20180506002905891"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today something pretty awesome happened. theres been this magpie in the pop up that ive been trying to touch, ive seen it in the smoking area and various places around pop up. when i was eating there today it flew to me and hopped up on the table. i thought it wanted food and since i was eating i was a little nervous about it being so close but i reached out and kept trying to touch it. we were communicating so hard, it was an intelligent bird and it saw me. when i put my hand closer to it, it pointed it's beak directly in my eye, very aggressive, but when i retreated it looked my through the side and raised its head feathers in a much more neutral stance. eventually it got to close and i got up with my food to leave and while i was doing that it was threatening to jump to the next seat over. as soon as i turned around with my food it jumped, so i sat back down. it was so funny, the bird (i need to name it) was like \"huh??\" and kept watching. and then i finished almost all my food and gave it a little and it ate it but it wanted more than just food as i came to realize. then other birds came and i let them have all the food, except the bird that i was interacting with didnt want anymore and was just looking at me, and it mirrored my movements as i left. it was so weird how much the bird copied me, and yet how different it was. \nanimals are amazing. ",
|
||
"title": "6th November 2018 at 16:51",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181106055950334",
|
||
"created": "20181106055100926"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm sitting in Haig park as the sun goes down because the weather remindede me of bangalore and i didnt want to be inside anymore. its beautiful outside and i want to sit and enjoy it, so ive taken my headphones out. i can hear the birds chirping and cars in the distance. the wind is also picking up a little and the trees are restling. the air has a wet rain smell and above is a mixture of dar clouds and blue sky, tinted yellow towards where the sun is. i can feel small drops of rain beginning to fall on my fingers and see them on my screen. im not sure how much longer ill be able to sit out here but i really am glad i came. ",
|
||
"title": "6th November 2018 at 19:26",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181106082913947",
|
||
"created": "20181106082643687"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "a lot happened today, and i meant to write this in Kitaab and finally switch over, but i didn't set it up with git hooks yet and since it's late i don't want to go down that rabbit hole. \n\ni could talk about how i woke up today thinking i had to work and then didnt have to, which was fucking awesome, but the really big thing that happened today was Greta exploding at me. She's an immature little brat that throws a tantrum anytime she doesn't get what she wants. this time it was about smoking weed on the balcony. she had told jxN to tell me not to, which he did and i generally dont, but i only had half a joint and couldnt be fucked going down but knew that i should expect some sort of confrontation. but i didnt not prepare for her to yell at me in the way she did, and honestly she gets no right to scream at me that way. she literally went full Karen. and i tried to find a reasonable mutually agreeable middle ground but there isn't any. i asked if getting a vape would be okay, but nope not even that is okay. it's her way or the high way. i'm done with her bullshit. im not going to be nice to her and not gonna eat any of her food anymore. i'm gonna do what i want and invite my friends over and have parties and not clean up if i dont feel the need to. she's a control freak and a brat and im done with her shit. maybe if she apologizes for her behvaiour i can forgive her, but even then i'm not gonna to make any effort to engage with her and try to be her friend. if she's in a good mood, it's fun hanging out with her and talking with her, but i don't want to engage with her at all anymore. the worst part is she doesn't even live here. if she doesn't like it, she can leave, or jxN can go to her house. whatever. \n\ni wonder if my tolerance for people's bullshit has gone down as i've gotten older. even typing this out is making me mad. i'm gonna vape a bunch indoors now too, and just not give a fuck. she certainly has more power than me, especially with access to jxNs parents, and if it comes down to it, i will sign a lease to ensure my rights, but even then it's not much in the face of a phone call to the police saying i've done drugs at this place (which she's more than capable of doing). i'll need to plan my steps accordingly. \n\ni dont remember ever having this sort of appetite for revenge. i wonder what changed. ",
|
||
"title": "6th October 2020 at 01:02",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201005141100596",
|
||
"created": "20201005140252275"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i feel so many kinds of ways right now. its been a really good day. james and chtl came over after walking around the city and then we went back to theirs. but a recap isnt particualrly important. i had something that i was thinking about which i felt was profound. but i lost that train. it had something to do with adjusting to the shift. about how with some people here i feel the shift of me moving here has changed our relationship and we (I) dont know how to take it forward. i think in part thats what happened between me and chtl, but i also feel it with some other people. debs and kc, nko and jack. im still figuring out how to be with these people sorta. im getting better at it though. obviously, i was thinking about debs in particular tonight. i feel as though im holding back around her still, nervous energy, instead of the calm i usually am. i find that with these people work tends to be a common project. because before when i would only visit, we always had so much to talk about, and catch up on. and i love those kinds of conversations. but now that i live here, we have switched to less big updates, and weekly increments, which we haven't quite found the swing of. i wonder if my moving here has switched the sesh dynamics in other ways? i dont think so. but anyway. and i was thinking maybe i could bring this up, but i wonder if it'll be weird. but thats also part of its beauty, its okay if it's werid. because we want to get through that. but then its bad if it doesnt work. \ni also think i have to come out and say it. i think im attracted to debs, which is why im nervous. i know thats kinda forbidden, given im a friend of her ex (i imagine thats just off limits) but i like i said, i get nervous around her. i kept trying to sit next to her to feel things out and pretend to be confident and as though im not focusing on it, even though i obviously was. i got a sense she did some of the same. its' like we both want to talk to each other in the way we did before, but we're not quirte sure how. i used to be able to switch it on super hard, and get people to talk to me, even when grilled, but it hasn't worked since i moved. ive forgotten my points of conversation. back they will come back to me, of that i am sure. i think me and debs could be really good friends, and i want to see us get there. i may be projecting and reading into this but i felt she also tried to sit close to me, and was also nervous around me. i noticed she also is always down to hang out when im going? but i bet im just reading into that. ughhhh, this is also probably partially why i want to break up with riya... even though i know theres nothing between me and debs, its just... i miss physical contact. \ni think me and chttl getting through that as well. we smoked a doobie today, which was dope, and she generally seems almost back to the same comfort level, which im happy about.\n\ni wonder if \"tracking\" my friends like this is weird. i think it's just charting our relationship, and trying to apprecaite them when i can. thats how i justify it.\n\nanother person i want to thank is jxN, because i really do like living with him and i dontt think i've ever told him that. i cant believe we went to japan together wayyy back when. he's cool, and i like hem. \n\nasides from that, i had a really good day today. i felt particularly joyous, i think it was all the sleep. i hope to feel that way again tomorrow if possibel. ",
|
||
"title": "6th September 2020 at 01:42",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200905160145562",
|
||
"created": "20200905154254161"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today i've been thinking about listening. i first started thinking about it in the gym when haikal was telling me about some beta for a route, and i just wasnt really listening but nodded along. i do that a lot. just kinda go 'yeah' and 'okay' without paying much attention. this is something riya brought up as well. how i dont listen. so it's something i would like to get better at. speaking (lol) of riya, i've been avoiding her for a couple days now. i think the right thing to do would just be to break up, but im struggling to find the courage i guess. no that's not entierly true, but i have certainly been nervous about the call so have been avoiding it. \n\nim so tired so thats all i think i'll write on this now. ",
|
||
"title": "6th September 2020 at 22:20",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200906122936695",
|
||
"created": "20200906122021940"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "omfg, today has been one of the best days of my lifee no doubt. it was the last day of work and i got 4 hours leave (since thats what i had left), and i was so excited to quit. then before i even got home, i heard back from the ASD position, and turns out ive been selected to join the departmetn!!!! and ever since then everything been on fire. i got bunch of chores done, then went to the gym and then played music with jonathon and then got drunk af with eshan, nirvan, vaanee, anshul and akshit. now im home and its 5am and im almost falling asleeyp but i wanted to write somethng since today has been so amazing and i wolud like to remember it. to think kust a week ago i was worried i wouldnt even gradutae. now im fucking killing it. \n\nim winning, yeah ye, im winning, ye ye, im winning. dont be made cuz im doing me better than you doing you...",
|
||
"title": "7th December 2019 at 05:12",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191206181736930",
|
||
"created": "20191206181254651"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I've been sad a lot lately and idk what to do about it. i dont have the energy to do the things i want and keep just going on the treadmill. i need a permanent getaway vacation ",
|
||
"title": "7th January 2019 at 00:18",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190106131855214",
|
||
"created": "20190106131813349"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Outdoor climbing\n* Talking with Riya\n* Sending out job apps (even when I didn't want to)\n* Hanging out with Haikal\n* Learning Hindi\n* Focused dev work (only a little though)\n* Waking up early\n* Quick satsang with Mum\n* Getting a phone interview\n* Better at managing back pain\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* No practice leetcode\n* Not thinking about blog\n* Didn't call centrelink (or do tasks)\n* No creative output\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* SICP to compliment leetcode\n* Find a way to configure tidalcycles on box [maybe a different editor] (or do other smaller creative things)\n* Re-read blog and upcoming blog posts (even before configuring neuron)\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Climbing White rock\n* Getting to meet Farhan and Hamish(?)\n* Getting along decently with Mikey in person even though we don't get along online\n* Being able to laugh at myself and my not great blonde hair\n* Water fountain in my room",
|
||
"title": "7th July 2020 at 22:56",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200707130514980",
|
||
"created": "20200707125630286"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "It's over. Today I am free. It's been a very long time since I've truly been free of responsibility but I love this feeling. Having nothing to do or worry about. It's bliss. Drifting slowly and just bobbing along, swaying in a way. It's the effortless with which it happens that I love so much. You can't tell someone how to not do. You just let go. And enjoy the fall. Eventually we all have to get back to responsibilities. Otherwise it becames a great big effort to do nothing. ",
|
||
"title": "7th June 2018 at 23:23",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180607132645121",
|
||
"created": "20180607132351912"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "The difference between floating and falling is not always evident at first. It's easy to tell with flying, there's an active movement implied in sustaining and increasing of height. Floating and falling both make no such claim. The difference is only that the falling implies its not optional. if everybody could float, nobody would ever fall again. ",
|
||
"title": "7th June 2018 at 23:38",
|
||
"tags": "Story Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180607134135341",
|
||
"created": "20180607133854703"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "oh my god. I'm so happy right now. I feel great and I'm only just high. :)\n",
|
||
"title": "7th June 2018 at 23:45",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180607134600239",
|
||
"created": "20180607134514805"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "FUCK. My last Tiddler didn't save. Gotta remember to do that. It went something like this:\n\nSo, uhhh, Parul just told me she's loved me for a long time, and even though I really like her a lot too (see how I'm avoiding a certain word?), I'm not sure how to react to that to be honest. I mean I always kinda suspected it, and especially today when we were talking about falling in love with others, it was p clear that she implied she's liked me for a really long time. But for to just come out and say it? i didnt expect that. it takes a lot of balls. I gotta respect that. She said she didn't even want to admit it to herself. \nShe said she'd been going on dates to try and fall in love with someone else. I guess a lot of her actions and little things she said make sense in that context. I remember that time she asked if we'd still be together if we didn't break up, and i said i didnt think we would be and she said she thought we would be. Small things like that. Plus it seems to call into question our relationship now, because i think it only came about because I admitted to her that sometimes I day dream about her being here. Also, weirdly it makes me like her less. I know that's awful and terrible but I think it is the truth. Hmm, maybe I'm just more weary about her. Not necessarily like her less, because I still do like her a lot. I don't know, it just feels messy and puts me in this weird position I guess. i think we'll get through it, especially since we're really good friends, but also because we can't be together. She also said she hoped that I fell in love with someone else (but only because I said the same thing to her). Man our relationship is really weird. and there's just nothing we can do about it. it really hurts. I just wish she was here. that would solve all my problems. ",
|
||
"title": "7th May 2018 at 19:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180507125057464",
|
||
"created": "20180507092107156"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for Tanu in particular. It was just a realization I had about how much she means to me and how much I'd miss her if she was gone. I'm really glad she didn't give up on me and decided to work through me being a total asshole. I'm really grateful for her being in my life. ",
|
||
"title": "7th May 2018 at 23:03",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180507130637371",
|
||
"created": "20180507130302669"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Today I'm grateful for:\n\n* vaping\n* coffee\n* my morning routine \n* finding the answers to a take home job test I had which were published by the founder of the company ",
|
||
"title": "7th May 2020 at 19:21",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200508061639745",
|
||
"created": "20200507092157634"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "again i find myself back here because it is the easier option. \n\ni spent most of the evening just dealing with my tabs, and now looking back it almost feels like a loss. almost. i spend so much time dealing with the internet things that i see that i'm left with not enough time to consume the things, or execute others. now that Kitaab is coming together into an HPI, I can almost convince myself that this is a good thing. almost. i read a lot of quotes and hacker news stuff as well today, and have had \"clean rss feeds\" in my task list for a while now. i'm getting better at it but it has been a nagging itch in the back of my mind that i do that too much. on the other hand i also enjoy being extremely online so there's that. something to think about more. \n\ni spoke to tanvir today which was nice. it wasn't quite the same as being there in person. but it was still nice. ",
|
||
"title": "7th October 2020 at 00:38",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201006134311570",
|
||
"created": "20201006133832891"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* Getting the apartment to myself for a while\n* taking a nap at lunch\n* Focusing during work\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* Didn't get enough sleep\n* Didn't ask for feedback from Z \n* Feeling like I spend too much time organizing/reviewing the tabs i leave open \n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* give up on tab hoarding?? lol \n* it's a bit too late to sleep early already...\n\nToday I am grateful for:\n\n* Talking to Tanvir \n* the internet and how it's shaped my life\n* Woodley saying he wants to get to know me better and wishes I stay in QLD longer \n* Not having to deal with Greta \n* Listening to Blonde in the shower",
|
||
"title": "7th October 2020 at 00:43",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201006134811890",
|
||
"created": "20201006134316022"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "hmm, today has been a rough day. I didnt get most the work i should've done, done. I didn't get to do most the fun stuff i wanted to do. i feel ill and my stomach is not happy. I didn't go to the gym. and the weekend is over. ugh, that sucks.\n\non the other hand me and parul have been cybresexing for the past two days. god she drives me crazy. even just writing this in getting a hard on. it turns me on soo much when she tells me she wants to fuck me. she even sent me a lewd picture of her in just underwear and that was hot as fuck too. however i dont know how it'll go on. the distance truly sucks and it hurts so much more if we keep flirting and mutual masturbating with each other. idk, i guess we'll figure it out. ",
|
||
"title": "8th April 2018 at 22:08",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180408121420927",
|
||
"created": "20180408120812648"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ive been thinking a lot about daily recaps lately so this is my first attempt at one. though the idea was originally to use a real notebook i didnt bring mine to work today so im just gonna use this instead. \n\ni kept waking up this night and having bad dreams/sleep paralysis. at one point i thought there was someone next to me who then went and hid in my closet area but i managed to convince myself that it was a hallucination. i've been struggling a lot with telling reality from hallucinations lately and i really dont like it. i booked an appointment with my counsellor for later this month and have a few things i want to talk about.\n\ni went bouldering yesterday which was nice, but i feel like i have a few in grown nails now and its annoying me.\n\ntoday has been pretty bland, just standard work stuff. i wanted to do a project a month but im struggling to come up with any projects worth doing and i feel like i wouldnt have the energy to do anything anyway. ive been reading today at work which is nice because it's what i wanted to do. maybe i should just start with the uhabits thing. or work on the america blog post. hey thats an idea. okay imma do that. \n\nidk im still depressed as all hell and it's taking all my energy to get through each day. but i guess im doing it. death has been on my mind a lot. ",
|
||
"title": "8th January 2019 at 18:03",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108073338592",
|
||
"created": "20190108070303367"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "im feeling quite a bit better now :) ",
|
||
"title": "8th January 2019 at 22:28",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108112900843",
|
||
"created": "20190108112846626"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i had fun hanging out with my friends today. first badminton and then going to the gym with Aaron. I like hanging out with Aaron and gossiping about all our friends. it's so much fun. today was a pretty good day and I'm exhausted",
|
||
"title": "8th March 2018 at 00:01",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180307130246654",
|
||
"created": "20180307130133563"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm grateful for Wibbles, Andos and Davin coming over and hanging out to play music. i know i didnt want to hang with wibbs but I'm really enjoying all of us being together. it's fun. ",
|
||
"title": "8th March 2018 at 19:54",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180308085508797",
|
||
"created": "20180308085427803"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "Something that's been on my mind lately has been lately is that I dont really celebrate things. It didnt used bother me that much, but more and more it has been lately. I feel like we should celebrate things, that it's important to do so. What's the point of going through everything being miserable? Celebrating things is fun, even if it's arbitrary. They kinda have to be arbitrary. What's important is the celebration. ",
|
||
"title": "8th May 2018 at 18:29",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180508121733258",
|
||
"created": "20180508082951839"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "today im grateful for:\n\n* exercise \n* a goodnights rest\n* being able to support through donation, free websites i enjoy (mynoise) \n* free uber eats delivery ",
|
||
"title": "8th May 2020 at 16:15",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200508061719209",
|
||
"created": "20200508061556573"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "OMG. so well, this is a day old information at this point but I didn't get to writing it yesterday. \n \nI MADE IT TO THE FINAL ROUND OF THE ASD JOB!!! I'm glad to know I shouldn't listen to my imposter syndrome and should just try to keep making progress and sending out the applications i am, because I do have marketable skills and know what I'm doing! It's basically everything I want out of a job, so I'm really hoping I get it. I'm quite hopeful, because it's only a 15 minute interview so it'll probably be a culture fit sorta thing, and I believe I can interview well. \n\nIt's probably made me even lazier with the whole job search thing, but that's okay. It's boosted my confidence immensly. \n\nOther than that I still feel very disorganized with regards to my hobbies. I have a lot of things I want to do and still feel I pay attention to too many feeds instead of getting to work on the things I want to do. I think I'm going to start using pomodoros for even my personal projects and stuff, because I seem to get lost in them a lot (which isn't a bad thing at all, but I'd like to make progress at the same time too) Today for example I was messing around in nixOS and couldn't really figure very much of it out, but I'm learning. \n\nOn the Manya side, I told her to give me some time because I was upset that she won't respect my self care practices. I'm going to text her tomorrow and talk it out, hopefully she doesn't get offended. I'm also annoyed at her constant apologies, it's like she just says the words and think thats enough, so I'll talk to that about her too. Since I will not be going to SF if I get this Sydney job, it's worth investing in this, even if I don't believe there's a relationship to be had here. I do like Manya, she's a nice girl, but sometimes she drives me up the wall. \n\nalso I bought the onyx note pro 😁\nstill waiting on my fx tec pro1 🙄\nthey'll probably arrive at a similar time now ",
|
||
"title": "8th November 2019 at 03:15",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20191107163546913",
|
||
"created": "20191107161536520"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "another day of this hey. im not even mad about it hahah, i'll get around to it. the end of 1 week of my kendrit for vim is coming up. I have exactly a week left. I certainly feel like there isn't enough time in a day for all the things i want to do. i was thinking about if i also had to cook food i wuold literally not have the time for anything i wanted to do. like today, i got a haircut, made some buchi, nic'd my juice and tested music-pull and that's basically all the time i have in the day. i took a shower, didn't even exercise and ate food. i hate living for the weekend, it fucking sucks. i want to fuel this to create my alternate lifestyle, but in order to do that i will need to spend less money and invest the money i have. fuel and focus. hah. i like that. \n\ngreta still hasn't shown up, and im glad i got to vent to all or most my friends. i still haven't told jeremy, and jxn has been fairly sad the days since, but i dont know if its just cause of his uni assignment or something else... i hope he cheers up, i dont like when he's sad. i also noticed he put away her cake and foods after i ate one. i wonder if it's because i showed him one was going bad (i doubt it), or more that he told her and she told him to put it away so i dont eat anymore. i think thats funny. i am a little sad that i decided to break not eating her food...\n\ni also noticied i have good days at work when i can really focus, and bad days when i cant do anything. i can't quite figure out what makes a day go one way or the other, but i think i'd like to try harder? i dont know, i find it difficult to care about my career. like i was complaining above, and i want more time to do my own things. perhaps if i worked harder i could leave work earlier and then work on my own thing? i'm not sure. \n\nchan contacted me again last night, it was lovely. i love catching up with my old friends. he's been doing well, doing a CV internship in korea still. i miss that lil bugger haha. i miss a lot of my friends. i really wanna make indian friends. maybe i should try and do that tomorrow. i'm still not good at doing my 1thingaday, or even knowing what it is, but it's all part of the system building process. i also spend a lot of idle time on my phone, especially between pomodoros, and inevitably end up scrolling some feed or another. i kinda don't like that, but find it hard to commit to a thing because i know the break is short (even if i extend it) \nthough i was thinking about that, and i still also do believe that is one of my strengths. just thinking about how jeremy was setting up linux and he was asking me random stuff about it, and i always knew something about it. and how woodley wants to get to know me better, i feel in part is because i'm so online and can relate to so many things. maybe it's not all bad. if so why do i feel like it is bad? how can i feel less bad about it? \n\ni'm trying to go climbing at 6am tomorrow so i must go to sleep now!!! its already midnight!!!!! :(",
|
||
"title": "8th October 2020 at 23:35",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201008125521229",
|
||
"created": "20201008123523918"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* working hard\n* getting a haircut\n* seeing my friends at the park briefly\n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* still feeling like not enough hours in a day with work\n* not checking 1thingaday\n* didn't exercise\n* ate and bought lots of snacks\n* spent a lot of money on my haircut\n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* put 1thingaday into taskwarrior\n* dedicate more energy on being faster at work so i can get more time off\n* ask zlatko for feedback so i dont feel bad about how much i do \n* buy protien bars so i don't snack as much on bad stuff\n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* seeing my friends in the park for a brief period of time\n* feeling satisfied with the amount i accomplished at work today\n* feeling good and sexy in my body and with my haircut\n* having hobbies outside of the computer to keep me busy",
|
||
"title": "8th October 2020 at 23:49",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20201008125401179",
|
||
"created": "20201008124938029"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "What went well today:\n\n* finishing that work project (td-reporting)\n* taking care of my plants\n* making kimchi\n* cooking\n* signing up for HSBNE \n* chatting with divs\n\nWhat did not go well today:\n\n* being quite tired all day (weed hangover?)\n* getting through the work day (low motivation)\n* no exercise\n* not talking to riya about breaking up\n\nWhat can I do tomorrow to improve:\n\n* talk to riya\n* exercise first thing in the morning, regardless of tiredness\n* go to bed early (...)",
|
||
"title": "8th September 2020 at 00:00",
|
||
"tags": "Review Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200907140937314",
|
||
"created": "20200907140041630"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "what went well today:\n\n* learning vim-fugitive\n* getting inducted into hsbne\n* doing some exercise\n* generally not too tired \n\nwhat did not go well today:\n\n* still havent talked to riya about breaking up\n* still working on td-reporting\n* waking up \n\nwhat can i do tomorrow to improve:\n\n*... \n\ntoday i am grateful for:\n\n* continuing to learn thinga about my craft\n* having energy to do things outside of work\n* wallabag pushing annotation support to android",
|
||
"title": "8th September 2020 at 23:44",
|
||
"tags": "Review [[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200908134940654",
|
||
"created": "20200908134408168"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ughhh, ive been having that sinking feeling again. breaking up wh riya is only part of it though. i could go on about that but there isnt much to say other than its going to suck but its the right thing to do. but it extends beyond that. ive been feeling sorta meh on slack lately, maybe about my friend group and its homogeneous quality. i want to spend time at chaddington, i dont see them much. but i know thats not a solution. i messaged brisbane anarchists but no longer expect a response. im joining hsbne, and the nerds there sorta remind me of artifex. but i want to make desi friends. thats what i miss the most. the other day in an uber my driver spoke to me in hindi and that made me very happy. im scared of being alone again. im drowning in information. i dont know what i want. im spiraling again in this sinking feeling. i wonder if its because ive been smoking weed again. everything seems like its slipping through my hands all over again. and the strangest bit is i miss parul. shes sorta always been my rock. but her boyfriend is visiting after aaages, is also the first person she's sen at all in months, so i think its best to let her enjoy her time (Even though i did message her about having a nice time with him) i still miss her. ",
|
||
"title": "8th September 2020 at 23:50",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20200908135721497",
|
||
"created": "20200908135014139"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i got much less done than anticipated today, but i cant really be too upset about it. I didn't get much sleep last night at all so i was very tired today but i had to go to my psychologist. that actually went very well, and i think continuing to go will help me. I'm glad i went today even on very little sleep.\nBut that meant i came back and took a nap and got high and didn't really do anything else. i am feeling less sick so let's see how it goes tomorrow. i really need to work on my assignment and catching up to classes but we'll get there i guess. i think i need to stop getting high again for a bit. though tosay i did waste a lot of time online and dicking around and things. gotta be more mindful. \n\ni feel like these reflections tend to be me nitpicking a lot, but oh well. ",
|
||
"title": "9th August 2018 at 00:36",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180808144118177",
|
||
"created": "20180808143645559"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "wowo it's been a while since ive written anything here.\n\nim currently at my first night shift and basically just sitting around on my computer, its pretty great being paid for this hahah. I'm really looking forward to my 4 days off though jeez, working through the weekend was kinda shit, but it's not so bad, because the work is way easier even if i'm working longer hours. i havent got that bonus yet but im guessing that i'd make $2k every fortnight which is really good, looking forward to that check. ",
|
||
"title": "9th December 2018 at 23:32",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108073527085",
|
||
"created": "20190108073515467"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "and i actually had a positive dream. i was at some sort of party and a bunch of tisbians were there. i think there was sarayu and tommy and leffen? and there were a couple others who were kids (but they weren't drinking) and we were just chilling in this park like place waiting for some others. and then kishan and vishal and parul showed up and kishan was super fucked and i remember him walking in going \"bro, im gone\" and doing the hand gesture and falling down. and there was a swing me and leffen got on and something about leaving and then i woke up.",
|
||
"title": "9th January 2019 at 08:04",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190108210946637",
|
||
"created": "20190108210406399"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "These representational dreams just don't stop do they. This one was about Parul instead of Yayu. And we mostly just fucked. We fucked at parties and in some kinsa back room or something, basically just everywhere a lot. It was a wet dream. I think I've been watching too much porn. \nBut towards the end something else happened. I can't remember what exactly (I slept with someone else? She did?) but we didn't see each other any more and I was upset and then woke up like that and here we are and now I'm in a shit mood. ",
|
||
"title": "9th July 2018 at 07:54",
|
||
"tags": "Dream Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180708220245015",
|
||
"created": "20180708215456764"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "It's crazy the effect exercise has on me. I'd been feeling poopy (kinda interesting how that's related to my dreams too, maybe?) for a while and after working out with Aaron I felt much better and now I feel pretty good to be honest. I'd noticed a few days earlier that I hadn't been in a long time (a week) despite meaning too. I was worried i wouldn't get to today as well, but I did and I so glad\n\nI'm so grateful for endorphins. Just working out has improved my mood significantly. ",
|
||
"title": "9th July 2018 at 23:36",
|
||
"tags": "[[Gratitude ]] Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180709133949390",
|
||
"created": "20180709133605815"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm feeling a lot better today. At least compared to yesterday where even just existing was hard. I'm not sure what it was that changed, but I think the coffee + l-theanine combo really improved my mood. It seems to be a good combination.\n\nAlso today, Niko, jxN and Gareth all failed GMM. It was kinda funny but also kinda sad. It did improve my resolve to stick with it though, because I was this close to skipping my second lecture today. I have a renewed strength to want to complete it. I believe I can do it. ",
|
||
"title": "9th May 2018 at 19:05",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180509104532289",
|
||
"created": "20180509090537959"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "holy fuck. im sitting at the airport right now and i cant believe this is all happening. its all just beginning to hit me!! i've been planning this for weeks and now its finally time! even here at the airport im not sure what to expect in the coming days and thats something im not used to and very excited about. normally my days are all the same, and largely involve sitting at home on my computer. i have a routine and im excited to break it utterly over the next two weeks. reminds me of Aral's breakingthin.gs website. I've been preaching about reboot for a while now and this is finally happening now. \n\nthis is the reboot. im getting quite rambly already but i don't mind. man the keys on this keyboard really suck and they're annoying me. also my arms and hands have been in constant pain lately. i think i fucked myself up bouldering and because i use my phone and laptop a lot. this sucks. sometimes i struggle with holding my phone with my right hand in particular. ",
|
||
"title": "9th November 2018 at 18:16",
|
||
"tags": "Journal Travel",
|
||
"modified": "20181109074916671",
|
||
"created": "20181109071622020"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "ugh i didnt have syncthing running so now im gonna have a merge conflict lol. fixed lmao\n\nim really excited about getting a new laptop now. just while i was waiting in the terminal i was tryna do a couple things and my computer basically shat itself. i couldnt get everything i wanted to dine before i had to board the flight (which is where im sitting on now). i still need to place my order but im gonna do it. fuuck imagine being the person with a librem. ohhh careful. dont become a consumer. \n\nits so crazy for me to think that earlier today i was writing my exam and stressing about that. hahaha, seems like a past life ",
|
||
"title": "9th November 2018 at 19:05",
|
||
"tags": "Travel Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20181120215906271",
|
||
"created": "20181112071123824"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "I'm tired and high and just about to go to sleep. I want to say I'm trying to organize my life and categorize things so that they dont feel astronomical and like its all falling apart. I wish I could blame all these problems on a lack of tools or understanding instead of will power and resilience. I still feel quite sad often and struggle to both be around people especially for extended periods of time. I've noticed lots of my friends have been making me sad lately and I think it's more just me not knowing how to deal with myself around other people as well as when I'm by myself. I spent a little time today being productive and I feel good about that. It turns out that I don't have any devices on which I can watch dumb youtube videos since the sound on my desktop is broken and youtube changed their player which broke all my apps. I often face turbulent challenges that are greatly outside my control and I have to understand that the decisions I've taken mean they're more likely to occur. I don't know whether that means I should reconsider those decisions or double down. It seems like I could really use a break from everything that isn't intensly personal so I can focus on myself for however long it takes to figure this out but I don't even know if that is the solution. Who knows how long it'll take me to get my own shit together by myself and what if that's not the solution? Bridge building is difficult, and I have chosen a difficult path for myself. How do I approach the challenge I've set out for myself? Already defeated and tired from having come to this point? How then can I expect myself to face and win my own challenges? When I am both the one desiring difficulty and the person failing to deliver on my own goals, it is twice as painful. For my desire of difficulty rises so as to overcome past mistakes and show improvement, and the belief I have in myself drops and continues to think that if I couldn't do the last one how could I possibly attempt the next one suffieciently well? This seems to be the dual nature of my perspective. Desiring challenge and novelty but unwilling to believe in my own success. \nI would like to write further about the people I choose to surround myself with as this is another aspect of what I consider to be reasons for my bleakness, at least partially. But even with this I am left to dwell on the problem that is me.",
|
||
"title": "9th September 2018 at 01:21",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20180908153029316",
|
||
"created": "20180908152110950"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "i havent been journalling much lately, and i think thats because i often turned to my journal when i had very negative feelings, but thats been far less common these days so I don't feel the need as much. its interesting though, journalling used to be such an outlet for me and now i dont find it as necessary. maybe because im feeling my emotions more on my own, or maybe im able to share them more with my friends making this less useful. or perhaps ive simply fallen out of the habit of writing ever since living at reid because i couldnt use my computer as much. i havent been using my computer that much lately either, and i think partly thats because its in a semi broken state and i havent got nixOS working on it yet and dont really want to have to decide to move everything even though it shouldnt be that hard, im afraid of the discomfort of switching, especially getting off of bspwm and reconfiguring my keyboard because i know that will be a whole ordeal. i think i need to just dive in one day (maybe tomorrow?) and go at it and i'll be fine. i dont know its a weird feeling around me and computers a bit lately. maybe just my main desktop is less appealing now that i have a nice laptop?? i dont really know. \n\ni do want to get back into it, and will get around to it. im sure. \non further reflection i also have other places i write things now. i write in kitaab and also in dvlg\n\nalso gerd inspired me to finish downwell (beat the boss) so ive been practicing that\n\nspeaking of slack! they finally fucking banned lav, which makes it a much more pleasant environment now. im very happy with the change, even if slack is still sort of reeling from the damage. gerd was the one to do it just all of a sudden as a gift on caelens birthday which was excellent. i feel very powerful in slack and almost as though im being challenged (especially by tsering, but thats fine) which is an interesting experience since i was the one clamouring for his ban the loudest. its kind of a bittersweet feeling in a way, because its still certainly othering. but im okay with that. it turns out we are somewhat dissimilar as the whole lav event taught me. but theyre still my friends and i love them. ",
|
||
"title": "9th September 2019 at 00:36",
|
||
"tags": "Journal",
|
||
"modified": "20190908145457672",
|
||
"created": "20190908143658490"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "",
|
||
"title": "Draft of '21st June 2019 at 01:24'",
|
||
"modified": "20190620153232364"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "",
|
||
"title": "Draft of '29th September 2020 at 22:58'",
|
||
"modified": "20200929130846725"
|
||
},
|
||
{
|
||
"text": "",
|
||
"title": "Draft of '3rd May 2020 at 23:08'",
|
||
"modified": "20200507092155456"
|
||
}
|
||
] |